Living with Jekyll and Hyde

[utterson]

DP has two personalities. I'm not just talking mood swings, he is literally a completely different person from time to time. The nice side is almost perfect. He's funny, caring, attentive, always puts DS and me first - all the stuff you would want and expect from a DP. Yes there are flaws in that personality (let's call this one Jekyll), he is human, but all around we are very happy and I love him to bits. DS thinks the sun shines out of his (Jekyll's) arse and all of his friends think he has the coolest dad. (To be fair, when he's this person, so do I.)

However from time to time he turns into someone completely different (let's call him Hyde). When he's like this, he is horrible to be around. I hate him like this. He's miserable, aggressive, selfish, and can change the mood in a room the moment he walks into it. Sometimes when he's like this I just lock myself in the bathroom for ages to avoid being around him. He makes me feel like I'm treading on eggshells and it seems like he makes DS feel the same. It's not often that this Hyde personality comes out but when it does it just makes everything we've got normally seem so pointless.

There is a strong history of mental health issues in his family and I wonder if this could be the problem, or does he just turn into a horrible person when he's tired? It's so hard to speak with him about because when he's being Jekyll he just laughs it off as if I'm exaggerating and when he's Hyde he responds with things like "we can't all be perfect like you" or worse "we can all come from perfect families like you" (in fact, neither of us do and Jekyll knows that perfectly well.)

We've been together ten years and it's neither gotten better or worse over that time. I'm just so exhausted with it. I really don't want to LTB (if he actually a bastard if it is a mental health problem?) because I am so happy with our life together normally, I just don't know how much more of Hyde I can take living with. Any advice would be appreciated.

Until someone else comes along with some good advice, I just wanted to ask if you are ok and are you safe? I really do think, for your son's and your own well-being and sanity, that at least some time apart and breathing space would be a healthy thing right now. If it were me, I'd be off like a shot. This is no way to live sweetheart.

Yes I'm okay thank you Black. I waited a while and then went straight to bed. He's out for the morning and I'm going to pick DS up soon.

I think I need to have a real talk with him and tell him he needs to go at least until he can sort himself out. I just don't know how or when to have this conversation. I never know what his reaction is going to be like; whether he'll accept it and take it in his stride, flip it on its head and blame me, starting an an argument or make out like I'm over reacting and completely refuse to acknowledge anything I've said.

Most importantly stay safe, if you don't feel safe get out and call 999. I know this seems extreme but your and DS safety is paramount. My DH has MH problems and I've had to do this more than once as when he's very unwell he has no insight into it and won't seek help voluntarily. My DH also often does not remember a lot of what happens when he is very poorly afterwards. We did separate for a while after his worst crisis which was the first time MH teams got involved and led to a diagnosis of psychosis. It does sound different to your situation as DH can completely lose touch with reality when hes unwell including hearing voices. But it started out similar to what you describe generally triggered by stress and for a long time I believed the voices had legitimate owners as he always atributed them to people and his rationalisation of what he was thinking seemed plausible for a long time.

With DH he got very ill and I called 111 who sent an out of hours dr in the end which started the process of MH support. I'm not sure your DH is at that stage. If he will agree to go to the GP together that would be ideal, if not you could speak to his GP yourself. They won't be able to do anything without your DHs consent unless they feel he is a danger to himself or others but it would give them some background. It will depend how good the GP is we did have one we saw together who told me I was just looking for excuses for DHs bad behaviour, as did the drs his parents took him to as a teen!

As for family links DH has family members with schizophrenia and psychosis too none were diagnosed until in their 20s though symptoms normally start as a teen.

If you need to seperate for a time then do this, it may spur him on to seek help too. As I said DH and I seperated for a while whilst he got help from MH teams he is now much more stable with years between episodes of being unwell.

Thank you Anxious. It does all sound very similar although DP isn't at that stage yet. Hopefully he won't be as I have spoken with him now and he has agreed to go to the GP. We were both very upset talking about it and he was very apologetic about the effect it's having at us. I think he's scared as he has seen family members go through it and doesn't want to go through it too, so hopefully the GP will be able to give him the support he needs.

Hi Utter.Well done for having the conversation, having been in a similar situation I know it isn't easy.
It is positive that he accepts there is a problem and is willing to ask for help.
Make sure he gets to the GP, and once there doesn't minimise his behaviour.May be worth going together.
Hoping you can work this through together, with the help of your GP. Good luck x

OK, now he has admitted there is a problem, have you raised what you should both do when he has an episode and goes all Hyde? You regularly hiding in the bathroom while he watches TV isn't the best plan.

How about he leaves immediately for a hotel until he's back to normal? He might agree to that now while he's in a good place.