He acts like a clown every time I try it on.

[NameChanger876]

I've been with dp for 2 and a half years and even though things were quite rocky at times we always had great chemistry. He's worked through past jealousy,insecuritues and together we've got past a time when he cheated. Now things are better than ever apart from the chemistry which seems to have shifted. He rarely trys it on with me and when I start things off with affection whether it be a cuddle on his lap or sex he will turn everything into a giant joke. Just last night we got into bed and I started kissing him and he joked about loads of gross things to do with his arse, made his penis into a character and put on a cockney accent. Basically just acted like he was down the pub with a bunch of guy friends. Every time he does this I'll feel really put off and so many things will be going through my head like if he does it so I'll leave him alone, if he doesn't fancy me anymore and if he did things like that with that other woman.

I've expressed how I'm not into the joking around in the bedroom but he gets defensive and sulks. Can anyone shed light on this or if you've had similar experiences?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

RedMapleLeaf how so? My advice is to not blame herself and to address any ongoing issues in the relationship

[RedMapleLeaf]

The on-going issues appear to be acting like a prat and a history of cheating and using porn. How does the OP address that?

[Cabrinha]

I'm really sad for you that you follow up saying "he's not into me any more".

Surely what you should feeling is that you're not into him? Didn't him cheating last year kill your feelings stone dead?

Yes, there are a small minority on here who have come back from cheating stronger than before. I know one person in real life who gobsmacks me how they managed to get through it! (lots of work from them both)

But when someone cheats on you a year in and you have no ties... Honestly, just walk away. He's not worth it.

[plutoisnotaplanet]

RedMapleLeaf apologies for attempting to offer more than just LTB

[RedMapleLeaf]

But what advice are you offering pluto?

[NameChanger876]

The advice here has all been great, thank you everyone.

Cabrinha I was in a really vulnerable place at the time with mental health and even though I hated him more than I thought I could hate anyone I felt like I needed to try and get through it and hang on to him till I felt strong enough to be on my own. In that time things got so much better between us and the hate subsided (still resentful) but the things that kept me from leaving before are still there. I'm working on them.

I spoke to him a few minutes ago as he could sense something was up. He went mad even though I approached it calmly. He said it's all to do with his sex drive because he doesn't feel sexy anymore, I told him that doesn't explain why he's not affectionate anymore or why he refuses to talk about things instead of immediately raging. He told me if he's not enough I should just go find someone else and stormed off.

[thewideeyedpea]

Take his advice , you deserve so much better.

[plutoisnotaplanet]

RedMapleLeaf

My advice is to not blame herself and to address any ongoing issues in the relationship

I thought I'd made that explicit, apologies

[Batteriesallgone]

Still think he's cheating again. Sorry.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Sorry, I don't understand how you are suggesting that she addresses any ongoing issues when they appear to be acting like a prat and a history of cheating and using porn. Until you explain this your advice appears to be "suck it up and don't consider ending the relationship for a happy, healthy one".

[plutoisnotaplanet]

RedMapleLeaf you've misinterpreted. As I said, I think the behavior is a symptom of a bigger issue in the relationship which may or may not be solvable. Looks like I was right seeing as the update suggests it's an issue with his confidence.My advice is to address the bigger issue and not just treat the symptoms, not entirely sure why you've jumped on me for that.

I've had similar threads in the past and the comments which didn't help were the ones that just told me to LTB, something that would have been a god awful decision in my case, so offering an alternative doesn't at all mean that I'm advising the OP to not consider ending the relationship

Not entirely sure why you've jumped on me but clearly there's crossed wires somewhere. Luckily though my comment was aimed at the OP and not you so thanks for pointing out that you've misunderstood and giving me the chance to clarify :)

[DrMorbius]

but then wanks himself silly over porn when I'm asleep

There should be some rule on MN that any Op posting about anything, where the partner wanks himself silly over porn it should be mandated that the porn use is clearly articulated at the start of the post.

Something like !!!Warning the following post is about a person that wanks himself silly over porn!!!

[RedMapleLeaf]

My advice is to address the bigger issue and not just treat the symptoms, not entirely sure why you've jumped on me for that.

I just don't understand what you are actually advising the OP to do. How do you advise that she address the issues?

I still don't get it, but perhaps everyone else can and the OP is getting some practical advice from your posts

[category12]

I don't understand why op is supposed to slog her guts out 'fixing' things with someone who in the 2 & a half years they've been together, has cheated and had various unnamed rockiness issues with, wanks to porn while she sleeps, has poor sexlife, plus angry defensive storming off responses to her raising issues in a reasonable way. What is enough for a "fuck it, this isn't worth the candle"?!

[ButIbeingpoor]

In Pluto's original post three separate pieces of advice are given: 1. Stop sex when he acts silly

1. Identify where the root of the problem lies and address that.
   
2. Realise that this problem is his and has nothing to do with the OP.
   

The how and why the OP can deal with the above is down to her and her DP. If she needs further advice she can continue to post.

You got ishoos, Red Maple?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

category12 personally I'd probably have LTB after the cheating...

[pasic]

RedMaple your posts are odd, and uncalled for.

[NickiFury]

"He told me if he's not enough I should just go find someone else and stormed off."

Do what he advises.

Not being flippant but I cannot comprehend why anyone would remain with someone who behaved as he does. I would have stopped finding him attractive the very first time he did the behaviour you describe in your OP. Utterly grim.

[Cabrinha]

I think Pluto's advice is great for two people in a good relationship who are having issues around sex.

But in this case, he's a cheating wanker. Literally.

"A confidence issue"?
Really?
He had the confidence to have sex with the other woman.
Fuck his confidence issues, fuck him.

He is still treating you with utter contempt and I'm not surprised your MH wasn't great. Having him around is not going to help improve your MH. You don't need to be treated like this by him

[Spaghettidog]

He's an unfaithful, unreliable man who can't keep it in his pants unless it involves his partner of two and a half years. OP, take his peerless advice. I think he's telling you what he actually wants. Which of course is largely irrelevant, or should be, to the question of what you actually want?

[keepingonrunning]

"He told me if he's not enough I should just go find someone else and stormed off." He said this to guilt-trip you into staying. OP, he thinks you're an idiot for hanging on to the relationship. His contempt for you is deliberate, no way does he have confidence issues.
And the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you is because he's shagging someone else. But even before that he prefers wanking when the inconvenient feelings of a woman don't get in the way of his enjoyment. He is not capable of emotional connection or intimacy - he's too selfish. You will stay miserable, he doesn't give a flying fuck about how you feel. In his head he's the only one who counts.
Please please please ditch him so you are free to find someone kind and loving who deserves you.

[plutoisnotaplanet]

He had the confidence to have sex with the other woman.

He cheated over a year ago, nothing to suggest he hasn't lost his confidence since then.

I'm not defending or trying to explain away his actions and apologies if it's coming across like that: to clarify he sounds like an utter wankbadger.

I've been in a similar situation on a similar thread (I've since NC'd) and I know how hard it is to make the decision to LTB and conversely how easy it is to dish out the advice to do so on MN.

I actually don't think OP will LTB based on the advice of internet strangers and therefore I want to give a different perspective. She may, however decide to LTB based on the fact the relationship is more trouble than it's worth, which loads of people have already pointed out to her so my voice adding to that particular chorus isn't much use.

As I've said, if I was in this situation I'd have LTB (and did!) after the cheating but on my own thread I was most grateful to the MN'ers who gave different perspectives rather than just what an awful person my OH was. That wasn't constructive, I knew he was an arse already!

[WhereIsMyPlaydough]

But how is OP to address the issues elsewhere if the manchild is refusing to even admit/realise there is a problem? She can't adress them and solve them all by herself unless solution is shut up and put up?..

[Stormtreader]

I've heard that some guys feel contempt for a partner that takes them back after theyve cheated:
"I did all that and they still took me back, they must have less worth/value than I thought because I didnt deserve to be taken back. They must be desperate, and will put up with anything."

[Cabrinha]

I get your point Pluto but my point is that even if he has lost confidence (for whatever reason) the OP should think "so fucking what, not my problem, arsehole, goodbye"