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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused on way forward.. his negativity

18 replies

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 20:10

Hi, I would really appreciate your advice. Im so confused as don't know if this is a healthy relationship or not, or if I am being very over sensitive/ unreasonable.
I have been with DP 4 years. We live very close to each other but have never lived together. Something holds me back from wanting to move in with him. We argue a lot and the confrontation wears me down so much. I dont think I could face living with it. In the 4 years we have been together, we split up for a year as we were arguing such a lot - he was unreliable, he made me feel really insecure. We got back together two years ago after he got in touch, said he loved me and wanted to make it work. It was good at first but in the last year I have started realising how difficult he is. Whenever we meet up for the day (ie today) he acts so miserable, like he doesnt want to be there. Its like he is punishing me for making him be there, though I often try and do things/go places on my own, he insists on coming along, then acts really miserable, moody and drains the pleasure out of everything. It gets me down so much. Today I snapped, I'd treated him to lunch but he was really miserable the whole time, unsmiling, moaning he was tired etc, making me feel on edge, so I walked away at the end of the meal and have not spoken to him since. He is a good man, he is never nasty to me, he is sweet and generous, but he is often just a misery :( he puts all my ideas down ir any inspiration I have, I feel like he's a raincloud a lot of the time where as I love to be sunny and happy. It leaves me feeling so deflated, like now instead of feeling joyful, I feel very sad and depressed. I had a difficult childhood with a narcissistic abusive mother who I am NC with and vowed I would not let any more miserable people rule my life, I just want to be happy!! I told him earlier he 'always has to pop the balloon' which is exactly how it feels..
Would you stay in the relationship? Im 35 he's 32, I was single for ten years before we got together. Neither of us have DC. It seems everytime I see him it ends in tears and I just don't want to waste my life in an unhappy relationship. But at the same time it is so hard to meet someone kind and loving, I'll miss him desperately if I end things, I don't have family at all and will feel really isolated :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/08/2016 20:18

He is a joy sucker, a black hole of misery

He doesn't want to spend time with you really...he's just too chicken shit to tell you the truth

Do yourself a favour and bin him

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 20:20

First time I have smiled since this morning when I was happy pottering about on my own!! Thanks for the succinct words

OP posts:

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 20:21

I dont know why he doesnt do things he enjoys, he says he wants to see me but then is hell bent on destroying anything we do with his misery. I cant take it anymore. Life is for enjoying isnt it?!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/08/2016 20:33

Yes. You will enjoy it a lot more without his mardy face dragging you down.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/08/2016 20:42

All the time you are with Mr Misery you are not available to meet Mr Fun.

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 20:46

We have been on holiday lots of times and we have such a great time when we are away. He isnt miserable like that then. I guess I just haven't ended it because I've seen how he can be. I've tried cutting down how often we see each other... Quality rather than quantity, but that hasnt made things any better either. The passion's gone, I think his being difficult/argumentative so often has killed it off for me

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/08/2016 20:49

Get shut of him then. Relationships aren't meant to be so miserable.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2016 20:50

I wouldn't get the fanny gallops for a boring twat like this either.

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 20:52

Ha... Fanny gallops. Hilarious

OP posts:

n0ne · 20/08/2016 20:53

Certainly don't stay with him just because it's hard to find someone else! You're wasting your life, OP, and you know it. Let him go and embrace positivity!

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 20:54

Its just I wonder if its me being unreasonable, or if its something I'm not doing right but I'm sure it isnt and you are right it doesn't feel healthy for things to feel this bad this often, I'm sure it doesn't

OP posts:

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 20:56

Thanks n0ne and it does feel like I'm wasting time. I have tried to end it before but he's always talked me back. Hard when we live so very close (I am moving, selling up though) new starts and all.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2016 21:05

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do not ever move in with him. It sounds like he is not too dissimilar to your mother; she made it all about her and this man is doing the same. He's ruling your life.

Its not you, its them.

Why be at all with a joysucker?. Being with this person actively stops you from meeting someone else.

Love your own self for a change and do not stay with him because you would feel lonely without family. Toxic family are not worth having at all. All such men like this one do is drag their intended target down with them. He is not family and he has never acted in your best interests either, only his own.

I would now reassess this whole relationship because you are really wasting your life within it. This is not at all healthy. Do not give him any forwarding address.

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 21:12

Yes I have felt like its the same negativity as my mother. Always wanting to sour a situation, to rain on the parade. Everyone has ups and downs but this is consistent, very negative (not quite the right word as it isnt strong enough, but I cant put my finger on a better one) behaviour. Its like he gets a buzz out of pissing all over my ideas/ time out/ fun. I just dont know why someone would be like that. Maybe its because I'm really independent and he resents it/wants to try and change that. I'm a big challenge, as I wont be controlled

OP posts:

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 21:13

What I get out of it is some sort of security I guess. I know that is such a pathetic reason to stay though

OP posts:

chocoLit · 20/08/2016 21:15

You're dating Eeyore. Life's too short for that shit.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2016 21:16

He wants to reduce you.

There is no security in that unless you narrow your world and accept you are not worthy of a positive nurturing relationship

Is that what you think ?

Original poster

Shayelle · 20/08/2016 21:24

Reduce... Its the right word. Im tired of fighting. I wonder how things would be if I stopped fighting/pushing back/standing up for myself!! . It wears you down so much. Thats why I'm moving. The sale fell through at the last minute two days ago so I'm back to square one, to find a buyer. Just hoping for the best at the moment. Thanks so much for the replies it makes me feel much less alone x

OP posts:

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