Controlling Parents (possibly long)

[MeadowHay]

This is a difficult topic for me so please bear with me and I apologise if the post comes across confused. I'm not sure how to start so I will just tell you about myself, it might be a bit rambly.

I'm in my early twenties. I'm married and have been for over 2 years, my husband is the same age as me. We are in-between places to live at the moment so have been staying at my family home where my parents and two younger siblings still live. We've been here about 2 months now and we should be moving into a new flat in about 2-3 weeks, which is in a different city.

I get on with my parents mostly ok. Actually I'm fairly close to my mum and we get on most of the time, I'd say about 80% of the time, and when we argue it mostly stays calm and civil and then isn't talked about again after it ends. I think it's quite a normal mother-daughter relationship? My dad and I get on ok most of the time too, but it's probably more like 60% of the time, and I wouldn't describe us as being close. When we argue my dad has a big temper and can quickly became very mean and insulting, and also holds grudges and remains angry and wound up for many days after even a relatively small bout of bickering. I don't think this is very normal?

I want to remain having good relationships with my parents because I do love them and they are good parents. However they have done many things that I disagree with - I imagine most people can identify with this, I imagine that is normal? I'm talking mostly about when I was a teenager because I have had mental health problems since childhood. I believe their poor reactions to that directly resulted in me still suffering today, but I understand things aren't black-and-white and they had a tough time of it too and didn't know what to do. Anyway that's one issue that I still find hard to deal with, but the biggest thing is that they still try to control me now that I'm an adult. The only reason I get on with them mostly ok is because I compromise. A lot. There are many things I have to forgo when I'm around them to keep the peace, they are not really big things, but when they all added up together it feels that I constantly have to pretend around them and that they don't accept me for who I am. Some of the things I have to censor around them, for example: my religious views, the way I dress, the way my husband dresses and his religious views too, I'm "not allowed" to drink alcohol even outside of the house nor am I "allowed" to go to clubs, I'm "not allowed" to smoke even outside of the house - to the extent that I have to carefully monitor tagged photos of me online because if there is an alcoholic drink near me in a photo it would cause such a massive fall out it would take months for my parents to calm down (has happened before), I'm told off for swearing online, I'm told that should me and DH get a dog soon like we are planning to do that my parents won't visit my house, I'm told that I'm "not allowed" a tattoo (they freaked out when I was 19 and got a helix piercing - by that point I was already engaged and financially independent of them).....the list goes on.

I don't know what I'm asking for really I just want to know how far I should compromise, how far is reasonable to censor myself and how far is not? I don't want to be disrespectful to them and their wishes and I can't change their thoughts and opinions on things however conservative they may be, but it is suffocating sometimes for myself that they cannot just live and let live. I feel that therapy might be useful to explore my issues with them further but I find that in counselling the counsellors will not really tell you what you should do - for obvious reasons, but I feel that is what I want, I want someone to come and tell me what to do! I want someone to tell me who is being unreasonable in each circumstance, me or my parents, I want someone to guide me.

Sigh. Sorry, maybe somebody can just have a chat with me or something?

My parents are like this. I try not to stay over there as they treat me like a kid. Im 40, married for years and they dont like me going out, even if its to the newsagents. I find it absolutely suffocating.

I think you're right that is what I'm going to have to do madginger. I mean I can even appreciate the fact this is their home their rules to some extent - for example I would never dream of bringing alcohol into their house, I think that is just basic respect for their wishes and way of life. But policing what I can wear here and things is harder for me to deal with but then I suppose it's worse the longer the period I'm staying for, but it's not an insurmountable compromise.

But then it gets to the point where am I have going to censor what I wear in my OWN house just to please them? Or what I wear when we go out in the city where we will be living when they come to visit us? I know that is unreasonable on their behalf but I am anxious about the arguments etc that will ensue. I mean I left home when I was nearly 19 and DH and I have been living together since I was nearly 20, but we often have ended up in-between places meaning extended stays at their house. They have visited us before a few times in our own flats and I've always dressed so as not to upset them and keep the peace but I think I need to stop doing that and they can like it or lump it really! And deep down I'm sure they will get over it because as you say they want a relationship with me more.

I am looking forward to moving into our new flat (I have literally moved every year since I was 19!) and hopefully it will be a new leaf again. There are benefits to moving a lot I think, it feels like a new opportunity and start each time!

wizz I am sorry you have had a tough time with it at all too. I know I'm not the only person in this boat but it can be difficult sometimes finding other people who really understand what it's like.

Meadowhay if you are the same culture as me (am asian), i know i cant show my legs/ whole bare arms. I lead two lives. My parents wont change. In their eyes how their friends judge us is very important. I keep our relationship very superficial. I dont have an exciting life or anything but as far as they are concerned my life revolves around housework. My only advice is move house and start building your own career yourself

i get you OP

my family is muslim and i am not - in any way. they're very liberal but still observant with the tenets.

i moved out at 19 and other than a brief spell of a couple of months i have never had to live under the same roof as them. i love my family - but i couldn't live with them

It's easy to say 'go nc' 'it's abusive' etc when you don't know the first thing about living in that culture. if you haven't experienced it then you don't really understand the context....the 'neuro-typical western' view is not the correct one nor is it superior.

i had to go low contact with my family whilst they digested that i had moved out, got my own place, was working and had absolutely no intention of getting married. 'what will you do with your life?' 'who will look after you?' was their main concern.
They pushed us all to get decent educations so we 'can look after' ourselves - yet still expected us to follow tradition and take on traditional roles

My lovely parents grew up in a different country and culture, they came to the UK after they became parents. i doubt very much they envisaged their offspring having mixed race marriages and having mixed race dgc. They love us all to bits but still don't believe we have done things the 'right way'. And that's ok, they're entitled to their opinion.

It's about respect isn't it? Your parents expect you to respect their views but aren't willing to respect you and DH as adults.
You need to establish your independence asap.
Your DH isn't their child and if they're old fashioned then surely you and DH should now be a responsible unit.

You having to censor yourself all the time is terrible

we ALL self-censor every second of the day depending where we are and who we're with. Choosing appropriate clothing for the few hours isn't a hardship - it's just like being observant and considerate of what you wear to work.

i wear my western clothes in front of my parents, but leggings instead of bare legs, skirt knee length at least instead of mid thigh, tops loose enough not to stick to me like a second skin and accentuate every curve and bulge. They wouldn't feel comfortable with it and to force them into that position because 'it's my right' just doesn't work for me.

The way i see it, they've had to put their own egos to one side to accept that we are doings things differently, they're the ones having to make that adjustment and it isn't easy for them. Choosing to self-censor for the few hours i'm with them so we can all enjoy our time together is no biggy.

This is where boundaries come in also. My family know my views, and after numerous challenges they have learnt to respect that i have them. now we all stay away from the 'controversial' bits......you need to find your own boundaries as to what you will accept and enforce them if they get trampled on.

^ I wouldn't call that self sensoring DontMindMe

I would call that compromise; respecting that they may be uncomfortable without straying too far from your wishes

I agree with the pp who stated it's compromise and I think it's a case of deciding where to pick your battles until you move out. Censoring social media is not difficult - we used to have to wade through holiday photos (pre SM) to show the PILs as DH smokes and although they know and he knows they know, he doesn't want to upset them as MIL's mother died of lung cancer.

Then your house... your rules. But you can still show respect for others' opinions.

We currently live in the Middle East but we show respect for the customs and main religion here. Possibly even more so than necessary.

DD is 11 and should not currently be constricted by rules such as what she wears or drinking water in public during Ramadan for example; but we are aware she looks older than her age so she is told that her (much loved) denim shorts are not appropriate attire for the mall/park unless worn with leggings.

When swimming on the beach she wears a full top and shorts, not the bikini she would wear in a hotel we visited (totally different "rules" - I still remember our first week when we went to the hotel pool and two women stripped off their full abayas to reveal G-string bikinis!)

When she stayed overnight at her friend's house (not strict but muslim) I made sure she had taken full long sleeve and trouser pyjamas and was to be fully dressed before leaving her friend's room.

Whilst home she jumps in our pool in a bikini, wears what she wants. Nightwear often consists of a t-shirt and pants.

None of that is controlling her. It is teaching her that there are different "rules" to be followed depending where you happen to be. For the record - if she wanted to go shopping in Manchester in a boob tube and hot pants she'd also be told to change into something more appropriate quickly as well.

I'm so glad some different opinions have been posted! I agree about respect, compromise, picking your battles etc. I think it's just I have this ideal of having a lovely, close relationship with my parents where I can fully be myself and they can accept it which is clearly unrealistic and never going to happen lol. The hard bit is deciding which bits I will compromise with and which I won't etc. I don't want to jeopardise my relationship with them too much but I also feel like I'm always the one making the compromises, never them, which is the most frustrating part I think.

I think I like the idea of their rules in their house/whilst visiting them, my rules in my house/whilst they visit us. Then if they don't want to visit us then fine but that's their choice. But equally I don't want to be stuck staying at their house longer than a couple of weeks anymore because the first few weeks it's always not such a big deal then now after 2 months it's like ARGH can't wait to leave haha. But I imagine most people would feel that way when they are an adult living under their parents' roof anyway with themselves and their DH squashed into a small bedroom together.

I agree totally with respecting peoples' opinions and cultural beliefs but it's hard sometimes to know how far to go in the name of compromise and respect especially when they clearly don't respect my opinions/beliefs and would never dream of compromising for me...but maybe I'm just being stubborn on that one and not appreciating how difficult it is when your children grow up doing tons of things that you despise lol. It's hard to relate I guess. I also find it incredible as well that my mum who is white British and grew up in a working-class family with a different religious and cultural background and whose parents were pretty liberal and things, doesn't seem to ever understand where I'm coming from at all. I find that bizarre because even if she disagrees surely she must remember her youth before she met my dad and how her life then was quite different! And how she decided to make life choices very different from her parents and her parents were not happy with some of them but just had to accept them - she expected her parents to do that but won't extend the same courtesy to me. I've tried to talk to her about it but she just says "yes but that's different because my path is the TRUE PATH" kind of thing, I'm like everyone thinks their way is the best way or they wouldn't be doing it that way in the first place! :S

General rule of thumb. If you're happy to make a compromise on something, then do. If you're not, then don't.

And I knew your mum grew up in a different experience, but I think you're just going to have to accept that she's not going to change her mind back again.