I think I'm a mess

[ayeshaa]

its my first post on here, I have been lurking for a while and I think you MN lot are amazing in terms of honest advice and a general life wisdom
I am in my mid/late 30's, no kids, I left my husband couple years ago due to all sorts of abuse, from verbal to physical violence, I have literally left everything and ran away, moved 200 miles away and started fresh from scratch. This has set me back career and money wise, but at least there was no abuse. Police put me in touch with womens aid, but in the end I refused to accept any sort of help from them. now I regret it.
I now found myself depressed, at times I feel guilty that I left him, I can form any form of relationship since - I wasn't ready for a while so was happy with just fun - now I feel ready but find it difficult to open up. New city means that I have no roots, no friends, I feel very isolated and extremely lonely which adds to the grief. I had quite a good career in the old place, after moving I took up a job with a pay cut and without prospects ( I just wanted out and away from him) thinking it will keep me going for couple months and then I will look for something up to my previous experience and qualifications, end up stuck here, recently started to look for a job in line with experience and education and I am being asked why there is a step down in my cv - obviously it doesn't say on my cv why I did that.
I feel utterly useless, alone, contemplating what is the purpose of my existence at all. I spend whole weekends sleeping, I feel so lonely it almost hurts. I would never go back to my ex, but I find it so hard to move on. I got nobody I can talk to in RL. I don't think anybody would believe what I feel anyway, I'm being seen as attractive and successful, I don't lack male attention but I don't believe anyone can like me just for me, so its ends up with me pushing them away as soon as we get intimate. I feel so unhappy, so useless, so lonely. I have no confidence at all, I hate myself.
I hope I am even making any sense here now?

If you have a good gp, they will help you to open up. I had counselling after a referral from my doc, and combined with antidepressants, I am almost back to myself after 4.5 months.

OP, your CV does not need to say what happened but in an interview I'd tell them that the step-down was because you needed to get out of an abusive relationship. Nothing to be ashamed about that. As regards making new friends, have you tried meetup.com?

Thank you for all messages, it means a lot that someone took their time to reply. I couldnt sleep well last night and cried myself to sleep, as usual.
I am scared to call womens aid, they might have it on their record that they have offered me help few years ago and I refused, would they hold it against me now. I also found something called Solace online, rang them and spoke with a nice lady, she put down the referral for counseling and told me I will hear back within 6-8 weeks. it sounds like ages!
Someone suggested GP and antidepressants here, is it addictive stuff. Knowing me and how I react to most meds, I will get all side effects that only 0.1 % is likely to get. I dont want to depend on drugs.
I feel so down today, I would trade the world for a cuppa made for me and a hug.

I can totally understand not wanting to depend on drugs but no, the newer types of antidepressants are not addictive and really can make a massive difference to how you feel. For me they lifted all that awful heaviness and lethargy which made me just want to hide under the duvet and never come out and it meant I felt able to get on and do the other, practical things I needed to do to improve my situation. I'm also very sensitive to meds but had no side effects to speak of, you do sometimes have to try a couple of different ones before you find the one that suits you but it's worth it for the difference they make. My GP explained it to me like this (because I was quite resistant to the idea of taking them), when we go through a stressful or traumatic experience the body releases increased levels of certain hormones and chemicals in order to cope, antidepressants control and regulate the levels of those hormones and chemicals and put us back on an even keel. I felt better about it knowing that, we wouldn't hesitate to take meds to control diabetes or a thyroid problem and this is really no different, it's a way to rectify an imbalance in our bodies, that's all. It can't hurt to go and have a chat with your GP, explain your concerns and see if what they say reassures you, they're not a magic fix for your problems but they do make tackling those problems more doable instead of struggling on with that awful impotent feeling of wanting to do things to help yourself but not feeling up to it. I would gladly supply tea and hugs if I could, there are people on this thread who care very much about you so please don't feel you're alone. As for Women's Aid they know the people who ring them aren't always ready to take the help offered, they understand how abusive relationships affect you and wouldn't hold anything against you even if there were records but I doubt there are. Ring them, you have nothing to lose and they will help you

FreeFromHarm I sent you a PM x

Hidingtonothing
I will call my GP tomorrow and make an appointment, I not 100% sure I want to speak with them about it though. I hope they will be understanding to the situation.

You can tell them as much or as little as you like, you don't need to go into any more detail than that you have been through a traumatic experience and some detail about how you're feeling if you don't want to, they are treating the result of what you've been through rather than the abuse itself. It's hard reaching out for help, I realise that, but the alternative is to carry on as you are and you obviously don't want to do that or you wouldn't have posted

Antidepressants needn't be a bad thing. The thought is worse than the actuality. As hiding says, the alternative is to continue as you are, not good.

Hi

Please speak to your doctor about how you feel. That's day one of feeling better. I am 20 weeks down a similar line but not for the same reasons and I feel so so much better after being on antidepressants. Combine this with eating healthily, cutting out Alcohol and exercise and believe me you will feel so much better yourself.

Only when you start to feel better about yourself will you be in a position to start dealing with the rest of your post.

However, you can make one positive change today and that is to block your ex from contacting you. It won't help.

Best of luck

thank you all. it wasnt a good day today, I will write more tomorrow

It's not my quote but now I see ad's as 'levelling the playing field' so I can think straight, at least some of the time! I am a long time lurker but now needing the support and confidence to post myself. It's a long hard road but little steps add up!

How are you today Ayeshaa?

hello
I am sorry I haven't posted for a while. it was too hard to type without getting upset and crying
thank you all who asked how I was
Counseling people rang me and unfortunately I wont be getting any as I work full time and they cant offer anything in the evenings. I am unable to get time off work once a week during the day, it would be literally half day off needed as the venue is quite far.
She told me to look into other options.
I am quite devastated again.

Hi OP. You can arrange counselling directly yourself, you don't have to be referred by a third party. If you don't feel up to ringing, you can email the prospective counsellor, outline your position briefly, and they can email or phone you back. If you google accredited counsellors in your local area there's probably loads.

You said you backed out before, don't be afraid to try again. A counsellor I know said it's not uncommon, especially at the beginning, for a client to just sit and cry and say very little for a whole session. They are trained to deal with this, just being with someone is part of the relationship. They won't be embarrassed, or cross, or feel you are wasting their time. If you can't explain things very well at first that also doesn't matter, it's their role to help you through this.

Also, lots of counsellors work in the evenings as they know most people can't come during the day.

thank you for your post.
I have looked into this but unfortunately at the moment, I am unable to afford private counseling.

I think you should print off your posts on here and hand them to your GP OP, would you consider doing that?

And don't worry about WA, they will not judge you, they have seen it all before.

You deserve a happy future, but you clearly need help. Just take those first brave steps and reach out.

Hi ayeshaa, you do know that you did the right thing don't you? When you are in an all consuming abusive relationship sometimes the only thing to do is run. You did it and not only that you found work and somewhere to live. That is huge and you should pat yourself on the back for it. Well done!

The slump you are in now is the point when you feel safe enough to let yourself sag. I've been there as have most people who have escaped a shitty relationship. It is a complicated mix of loneliness, anger and self-blame, but it is not how you will feel for ever. It all looks uphill from here, but it honestly isn't. This is your chance to make a new and better life.

As far as work goes, I agree with the PP who said just tell them you took a step down to escape an abusive relationship. It's not your shame it is his. Does your type of work use agencies? If so make an appointment with a couple and go in and explain and ask to be put forward for more senior roles.

I think you need to do something to start breaking up your isolation a bit because that is not helping your feelings. Are you in a city? Look at meetup or city socialiser. Scour the local Facebook for things going on and look in the local bookshops and libraries. Is there a local WI or gym? Would your skills benefit a charity in an admin role, could you volunteer? or get an evening bar job? even a Saturday job? I took one in an art shop for a while because anything was better than my own company and surprised myself by loving it.

You are at a low point now, but there is a great life on the other side of this where you emerge slightly battle scarred but tough as nails and leading a life you love. I'm 5 years down the line and working in a job I love - not my original field - with a good social life with friends who get me and so happy living alone with my DCs I won't be changing that.