Domestic - Is this feeling normal ?

[milkykid]

I don't really post on Mumsnet and only came back recently.
I just need to talk to someone who may understand.
I wanted to know if what I'm feeling is normal ?

Ex got arrested last night, he was basically hammering the door in.
Last Sunday evening we had an argument and it escalated to him part strangling me twice. (He has done this before aswell)
This time my throat was still sore in the morning.
He had been drinking as usual.
I slept on the floor in the kids bedroom that night and didn't sleep until I could hear him snoring.
Monday I went to the local police station and asked for advice.
Its my property mortgaged and he has no rights etc.
I went home changed the locks and told him via text.
All week he has been sleeping rough either near where he works or in his 4x4 behind the flats.
His texts have been getting more abusive and last night, they started around 7pm and he went from being in a hotel to on his way back to the car. I never answered his texts last night. I thought it was best not too.

Luckily the kids are away this weekend. I put on a film and tried to turn most lights off, then the phone kept ringing and the texts kept coming and then the banging on the door. Then stopped then again. More texts, more calls. I was literally crawling on my belly to get to the kitchen so he wouldn't see my shadow moving.
Then came horrendous banging, like he was trying to smash/kick the door in. I ran straight for the house phone in the bedroom and called the police. I heard the cat flap being broken and it was projected into the hallway. I was so scared and hyperventilating. I phoned my sister too and she stayed on the line still the police showed up.
The police didn't leave till around 1am. He is being released today on conditional bail.

Today I feel guilty. Guilty that it came to this and guilty that I've hurt him.
I feel like I want to see him.
I want to hold him. I just want it to be as it was on the good days.
I know I can't contact him but I didn't want to hurt him like this.
Is this normal ?
Is it normal to want to contact him ?
Is this a process ?

I wouldn't even call my situation Domestic abuse but it is.
Reading this back is like opening my eyes for the first time.
Of course there was good, but the rest of the time there was egg shells and toxicity.

You poor thing - what a terrifying night.

I think you could probably do with some counselling as to why you're feeling sorry for someone who's so abusive. He wasn't pleading with you, was he? He wasn't crying and saying he missed you. He's already tried to strangle you twice - god knows what he would've done if he'd got in last night.

Those feelings for him will keep you weak and make you likely to go back to him. And then he really will punish you.

Phone Women's Aid and see what they have to say.

Its a bit more complicated than that.
He was sleeping rough and has no where to go.
I know he brought it on himself but I cant help but still want to help him.
I agreed to pay him some money for stuff that he bought for the flat but I don't know if I can get that money for a week or so.... If I can then obviously he can get a place.
It's just I feel partly responsible.

It's going to be hard as you're a giver, milkykid, but try not to allow yourself feelings of obligation, wanting to help this nasty abuser. He's a taker, an attacker and very much known to the police now. Save your energy for yourself and the recovery from being so horrifically attacked. You are the one who deserves all your attention and focus now. Well done for calling family and police! Did it occur to you that you're lucky to be alive? This YOUR life now. His life is for him to sort out.

You would be mad to consider seeing him. I also think it's pointless giving him money. He'll drink it away and come back for more. Plus it would involve being in contact with a man who is presumably being prosecuted for his crimes against you? No contact for any/all reason would be best in legal as well as safety terms.

You come across as co-dependent and that is never healthy when it comes to relationships. Also someone, most likely one of your parents, taught you how to be co-dependent as well.

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels without choice and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Abusive people can be nice sometimes but the niceness is an act which they cannot keep up. The nice/nasty cycle is really a continuous one.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

I would seek the help of Womens Aid now as well as reading "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie. You need to recover from this man and his abuses of you.

You also cannot rescue and or save anyone who does not want to be saved. This man brought his actions upon his own self and you are not responsible for his actions. Do not give him any money, there should be no contact at all. He is on conditional bail and has likely been told that he cannot go anywhere near you.

Yes, I've been reading about Co dependency this week.
It does fit me a bit.
I'm sure I never used to be like this and I don't know when I became like it.
I seem to be a bit of an enabler too, in a previous relationship as well.
I not good at communicating or setting boundaries very well.
Although I enjoy my own company and don't like the stresses of relationships either, which is different.

Why would I contact Womens Aid ? How would they help me now ? (as i've gone through the police now)
Can you just talk to them about what your feeling etc ?

I know I cant talk to him or contact him and I know it wont help in the long run either. Though the draw is immense. But I wont.

Is there any sort of face to face counselling for this do you know ?

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/no_contact_after_leaving_abuse.html

This is a good website, I'm finding right now.

Oh my god you poor thing! Sorry, I dont have any experience to share but just wanted to say Im sorry for you x

Womans aid will give you counselling. I got counselling for a far less scary situation. That's awful what he did to you. Please don't give him any money and stay safe and away from him. The longer you are away from him the more your way of thinking will return to what it should be and you'll look back on this and be shocked you felt this way about him after what he has done to you. Direct all your love and kindness to you and your kids.

And don't take him back or he will
Punish you. And after what he is done I also think you are lucky to be alive. Post here as much as you want and the wise strong mumsnetters will keep you safe x

And the feeling probably is normal because he will have conditioned you to think only of his needs. You need to stop thinking of his needs and focus on your needs, your kids needs and staying away from him and alive. Time and counselling will help get your boundaries to where they should be.

Considering how many women go back to their abusers .- yes, it is perfectly normal to feel that you want to contact him. But it is not healthy. Resist that feeling. Call someone. Distract yourself.

Perhaps book a vacation in a faraway place, if that's possible? You'd have to make sure he cannot follow you, of course. But once you're in the US or so, physically going back to him won't be so easy. (Downside of US, he'd easily acquire a gun if he followed you there. So perhaps somewhere else.)

No I can't go on vacation. I have a full time job and 2 kids.
Plus can't afford it.
Slightly odd thing to say re the gun !?

Anyway, I'm dealing with it.
Let's just say the home is going to be very clean over the next few weeks.

I want to say something helpful but I don't know what!

I was in an abusive relationship, nowhere near as bad as yours, but it escalated. Not physical, but abusive on every other level. It starts off mild and you question yourself, but then they are so nice you think you are wrong. I think the best thing is to really get away. Away from your usual surroundings. It helps when you are away from your 'normality' to see your situation for what it is. I suppose if you can't get away then your cleaning routing would help. Maybe a total rearrangement of furniture and if you can afford it, anything 'new'! Stay strong.

Three sheets... When you say mild, what little things happened to start off with?