MIL nightmare

[traci8]

I'm coming to the end of my tether with my mil, I actually feel like she is trying to either send me crazy or split us up.

We got married 5 years ago and I got pregnant a year later, whilst I was pregnant MIL kept telling me that if we ever split up she would get the baby. My DH lived a street away from his mother and I moved into this house with him, when I first moved in MIL told me who my doctor would be, who my hairdresser would be and which shops "we" use, she then went in a huge strop when I told her I wasnt keen on the butchers she uses and went in an even bigger mood when I started using a different hairdresser to her.

She seemed to think this house was as much hers as it was mine, she would walk in every day without knocking, put her shopping in my fridge and expect a cup of tea, her husband was just as bad. When our DD was born they came around EVERY DAY without fail and would constantly wake her up and interfere, I had no time with her at all. Then then decided that saturdays where "their day" to have her and it caused a huge row when I said I wanted her home on a weekend as DH works all week and wants to spend time with her.

A year after I moved in we re-decorated the house so that it was to my taste too, a few weeks later we went over to MIL's and realised that she had gone out and bought the exact same carpet, same sofa, same wallpaper and even the same pictures as what we had, she then got workmen in to make her kitchen exactly the same as ours too.

She was driving me mad and after a huge row with DH we decided (or rather I decided) to look into moving. We found a lovely house a few streets away which IMO was not far enough away but DH didnt want to be too far away...it was better than being in the next street anyway. When she found out all hell broke loose, she cried and told her husband that she didn't know if her health would take the upset we were causing her, she said I was taking her son away from her etc...it was litrally just a few bloody streets away. DH backed down and we ended up staying here.

When DD got old enough to eat chocolate MIL would bring in 4 or 5 bars to eat, she would then take her around the local shops reminding people when her birthday was etc.

Now things are not quite as extreme but she's still getting me down, everytime DH gets in from work she phones him and asks him to go around to do a job for them (this can be something as petty as putting batteries in a torch to use last nights example). On a weekend its become a new "Thing" that we take her shopping, she makes out she can't walk and holds onto DH and then says something stupid like "Oh, you don't mind me doing this do you?" to me...I feel like saying "you're his mother, I'm not exactly worried you'll sleep with him".

DH wont have a word said against them, in a heated row last night I told him we either move away from them completely and see much less of them or I leave.

Now I don't know whether to stick to my word or not

ok - you made a big threat - are you going to follow it through? i think if you do it would give your MIL the ultimate victory in her eyes and i don't think you want to split up with your DH really?????. Her behaviour is very extreme and i think you are saintly in putting up with it for so long. You need some boundaries but most importantly you need your DH to back you - get him to read this message so he can understand what you are going through. Her demands are unreasonable, and divisive ... yes grandparents should be involved with grandchildren but not on these terms. It sounds like no-one has ever challenged her so she has got away with it forever but it isn't a healthy or mature way to be ... your DH needs to acknowledge this and support you.
Good luck and remember they are your in-laws you don't have to have a relationship with them - let your DH take your DD to see them and you stay well clear (sorry if that sounds harsh but as i said you sound as if you have been a saint)

Your relationship is with your dh - and he needs to know that.

if he can't or won't understasnd that, then this issue is only going to get worse. Why don't you suggest going to see Relate together, so that thetwo of oyuo can work out what you want from your own relationship and then be strong as to hwo you are goignt o deal with your MIL.

Oh God Traci, she sounds bloody bonkers. Most MILs would be delighted to have family living within 10 miles, let alone a few streets away .... presumably in walking distance.

How old is she ? (just wondering if there's an element of senility or similar creeping in, due to the obsessiveness etc).

Is DH an only child ? If not, is she like this with his sibling's families ?

You say DH won't have a word said against them but does he think it's normal to go round to put batteries in a torch (assuming she's not disabled in some way) and her husband is also still alive ? Does he think the overreaction re: moving, butchers, hairdressers and saying that if you split up she'd get the baby is normal ?

Do you think he's scared of the PILs in some way, or does he really think this is perfectly ordinary, reasonable behaviour ?

Sounds to me like (if she doesn't have a mental disorder) she's marking her territory by insisting on such control over your lives. That level of interference is NOT normal and I am astonished you have lasted 5 years with it. I guess whether or not you stick to your word or not with your threat comes down to whether you can possibly put up with this until the day she dies, or, whether you believe there is any slight possibility that DH will start to stand up for himself (and you) and establish some very firm boundaries, so she isn't the most important woman in his life (as she seems to be now). Would DH, for example, agree to come to counselling with you, as I don't think he's being at all fair if he expects you to put up with this ..... you, he and DD appear to be nothing more than puppets for MIL to play with.

TBH, I would have lost my temper with the bloody old witch long before now. The remark about DD when you were pregnant was entirely inappropriate and cruel - how dare she ?

just out of sheer curiosity, does your dh have any sisters?
it was suggested to me some time ago (when i was having problems with my own MIL) that women who have daughters of their own make better MIL's.

you have my complete sympathy, but i'm afraid i don't have any practical advice....

Wow, slightly interfering mils are one thing but this woman sounds like a control freak who, tbh, doesn?t sound totally normal to me.

I do agree with prettybird though, if you leave then your mil will be able to claim the ultimate victory. Your dh does need to realize that this behaviour is not normal, that he is a grown man now, and although he obviously needs to maintain a relationship with his mother, he is not beholdin to her ? you and your dd are also important.

I actually would have it out with the mil as your dh has clearly shown that he is incapable of doing so. And rather than threatening to leave, I would threaten to withhold access to her grandchild. And before you all jump on me, I don?t actually think that that is an unreasonable thing to do, because I don?t think that a child should grow up learning that it?s ok for their mother to be treated in such a way by their grandparent. If my mil treated me like that she wouldn?t see my ds, ever.