How to stop being so judgemental and irritable

[cloudysummerdays]

Our marriage has been in a very bad way for at least a year - lots of reasons, but no unforgivable behaviour on either side.

DH had a privileged but unloving childhood, and we're in a spiral neither of us seem to be able to break. Something happens (often a minor thing) and I snap at him; he then retreats into his shell. Years ago I used to coax him out again, but I've lost patience with that, and either stomp off or go on moaning at him. He feels hugely got at and criticised (not unreasonably); I feel as if I am always cast as the bully. His instinct in any difficult situation is to shut down and to cut off communication - we've had a lot of conflict lately, and communication is awful between us.

We're in a situation now where neither of us feels at all loved by the other. He longs for physical comfort (sex, but also cuddles), which I can't give when I feel so alienated from him. I long for him to talk to me, to spend time with me, and he feels so kicked about that he won't/can't do this.

For lots of reasons, I'm still not willing to say that we've reached the end, but I have no idea what to do. I completely admit that I'm critical and irritable, and that I don't give him credit for the things he does for us all. But I feel so totally overwhelmed by emotional demands from him and the 3 kids that I am just about beyond breaking point, and I don't have the energy or patience or kindness that he wants, and that our relationship needs.

So here it is: he's kind but completely withdrawn (sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word kind of withdrawn); I'm tense and irritable and judgemental, and we're both miserable.

What can I do? I can always think of millions of things I'd like DH to do, but when it comes to me, I'm stuck. How do I learn once again to be more patient with him? Less critical? Less cross? How do I learn to notice the many good kind things he does, and let the annoying ones wash over me?

Have you read the incompetent husbands thread?

It kills the love every time he creates more work for you. It is another little "Fuck you cloudy. Tidy my tea leaves / finish my job, I'm too good for that shit, but you aren't. Jump to it girl."

posting this was sparked by the incompetent husbands thread.

When I'm angry, I certainly think that he's pulling a 'too important to be bothered by these little things' act. And there must be a bit of this going on, I think (?) Before we lived together he did live in a welter of tea leaves and crumbs, and didn't show any sign of caring, at all.

But, to be fair to him, although he STILL always seems to leave one piece of washing up undone, doesn't empty the washing up water, doesn't clear the draining board (etc. etc.) he DOES do most of the cooking, most of the washing up, all the mending jobs around the house etc. etc.

Looking after myself doesn't come easily to me, and I think is part of my problem.

Have just looked up stonewalling, and John Gottman. I think this is behaviour DH learned long ago - with his parents, and at boarding school. We have had long talks about my need for time, but what DH doesn't get is that yes, we do need to make 'proper' time for us (babysitter etc.), but that what I need is regular time - just making cups of tea time; talking while we chop onions - when he listens and is engaged. He likes things to be timetabled, and that makes me feel as if listening to me/spending time with me is just a duty.

OMG ! It's like reading about my own marriage. I've gone and I am going through hell as we lead up to finally separating and sprinting to divorce. The description of stonewalling so apt and how it erodes the integrity of the relationship.

OP , what you describe is me when my children were little. His response has really drained the life and humour out of me. Of course I have and am coming across as a critical person, it's because something is very wrong and it can't be put right with this reaction. I felt stuck because the children were young and it's taken 8 years to recover my earning power so enabling me to leave.

With this knowledge, I have today to work really hard not to approach DP to try and 'sort the problem'. Number 1 because it's not my problem, and secondly because then I'm open to the accusation of being critical. It's a no win situation.

So OP, with benefit of hindsight, my advice to you is to know that stonewalling erodes everything: the possibility of intimacy, humour or energy. Understand how this set of circumstances erodes your confidence.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Read the above, please, and then stop beating yourself up.

Your husband sounds like my XH - controlling and stubborn in a very quiet way that leaves you feeling like the baddy in the marriage.

This thread has been a game changer. Today is the day I let go of all the resentment. Instead of going into 'sort this out' mode, which was attractive to DP/stbxh in the first place. I am resisting the urge; it's poison but instead of being resentful instead I'm off take responsibility for myself (dc now teenagers) and do for myself. Let me first be the first to take responsibility for how my resentment has eroded the good nature of our family life but today is different. Instead I am looking after myself and not perceiving this to be selfish.

Yvaine - read it, several times, over several months... The thing is, that whilst there IS a lot of truth in it, I'm also aware that in more ways than I would like to admit, I ALSO do things that my DH doesn't like, and that I could do differently but choose not to. So the disrespect works both ways. (I can't at the moment think of an example, but they do exist.)

I have spent a very long time blaming DH for what's wrong in our relationship, and this is my attempt to redress that and to try and see what, if anything I can do to make things better.

One thing (kind of following your lead, Starsandstripes) is to stop resenting stuff. I've got into the habit of angrily picking up after DH: putting the kitchen to rights after he leaves it covered with smears and onion peelings (after having made us all a lovely dinner, to give him his due). I've decided that I just have to stop doing this. As you say 'resentment erodes family life'.

Was really struck by something I think it was Miranda Sawyer said - in order for longterm rships to work, you need to learn to ignore a lot.

Any tips for that?? I do think that a big thing that I need to learn is how not to mind about more stuff! Not everything, of course, but more...

This is being hugely helpful - thank you to all who have posted. It's really helping me.

Yes! Trust that you, together with your DH, are providing a 'good enough' home life - and this is absolutely the case in respect of the degree of fairness and reflection you show in your postings - and it will be ok!

Today, I said that I was resisting the 'urge' to sort it and instead look after myself; thus trusting DH to sort himself out (if indeed he needs to) and teenagers to do likewise.

It's liberating to take the brave step of relinquishing responsibility, aka, control. Therefore, recognising how my buttons are pressed and also how I can step aside in a healthy way.

I think due to your, what appears to be perfectionism, he's never ever going to be good enough. You should find a counsellor to talk through your issues

Although, just recognising the part you play and also be the trigger for change.

But what happens to the smears and onion peelings? Is the idea that, left unreminded, he will go and do it himself? Or that you will live with it till..? Trying to get my head round this

And there's the rub. Sometimes it's the 'stbx' status that forced a change.

Ah! Exhales deep breath of relieve!

Ah! Exhales deep breath of relieve!

You can always make the points you need to make but make them kindly/nicely. Getting angry/cross, won't achieve anything for either of you.

Stop or cut back on the voluntary work and do some stress busting exercise to create endorphins to make you feel better.

Carve out some time for yourself! You sound like you are overwhelmed.

Chuck all the crap you don't need out. I bet you have lots! The less you own the easier it is to keep on top of things. Label boxes with bike stuff/swimming stuff. Leave the tea cups where they are and let him deal with things when you run out of cups.

Read some books about marriage. Look on Amazon for well rated ones you can both read.

Reading what you've written, Cloudy, made me think of an article I read a while ago which really resonated with me. Funnily enough, I realised on reading it that I do respond to DP's 'bids' with kindness and generosity (our relationship is good), but that I didn't always react to DD's 'bids' in the same way. I made a big effort to improve that. I looked up the article for you - here it is.
www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

That's a really good article, Purple.

Resonated with me. I do have a habit of being uncharitable with my assumptions re: untidiness, etc.

And my XH was rubbish at responding to 'bids' .

Food for thought. Thank you.

Had read of 'tootalltoride' blog, The Shitty Husband (can't figure how to paste on my phone. Will need to ask STBXH (currently pissing myself laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation)), Anyways on Blog 11 at the end quoted the definition of love is :

"the unbridgeable gap between two humans and the attempt to do it anyway."

Seemed very adapt to the thread

I read the Atlantic article to DH last night: interesting stuff. The bit about 'bids' is very perceptive, and quite painful to think about.
I can't find the blogs, starsandstripes - any links/titles?

TheNaze - perhaps you're right? I'm not sure. I'm fully able to see that I'm just as impossible/difficult/annoying as him, and that he has to do a lot of work putting up with me, which I (expect myself to) reciprocate. I'm not expressing this very well, but I don't think I do expect a perfect husband at all - it's more that there are patches that are so bruised, so sore, that even a little knock is horribly painful at the moment.

Perhaps the biggest thing I've taken from this so far is the importance of a (bit more) self care. I'm very good at caring for others, but not great at caring for myself, and none of my nearest and dearest care for me all that much. I'm habitually the one who is leaned on, not the one who leans. And I need to think about this some more, and about how I can refill my very very empty tanks.

Anyone here done any mindfulness stuff? I wonder if that might help.

Someone gave me wise words recently. Concentrate on the behaviour you like and you will get more of it. Equally concentrate on the behaviour you hate and you will get more of it. So you have a choice to get the rage about the tea leaves or to think about whatever makes you feel good.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2013/07/03/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands-vol-1/

Here's the link to the 'Shitty Husband' blog. I read volume 11 where he realises that his persistent refusal to 'put the cup in the dishwasher' was a symbol of his disrespect for his wife and his belief in the priority of winning the argument over the love for his wife.

OP - you stated when your DH felt got at you would make a big effort to draw him out of himself but you had now reached fatigue levels of managing his emotions. Completely get it. In this situation it is impossible not to make a comment that can very quickly and intentionally be misconstrued as a criticism.

Although I am waiting for mortgages to be confirmed and house sales to complete, I am using this time to find closure on the collapse of my marriage. So I am reading this thread with great interest and experimenting with the ideas shared. For example, challenging my 'perfectionism' and 'nagging' when stonewalled by STBX/DH.

This afternoon I have had two goes at being in the sitting room with STBXDH and on both occasions I was completely ignored. Instead of being riled by this coldness, I considered what alternative response I could have had. Anyway, I felt humiliated.

OK you can say it is early days in the experimentation process, however, I also reflected on the fact that this is what I have lived with for 26 years. It is not unreasonable to have been hurt, upset but today I trying a different way from retaliating.

So the point I am making OP, you are absolutely right in your realisation that you need to take care of yourself. However, this is beyond the bubble bath or new shoes. It is the taking care of yourself in realising that you are showing you have the capacity for change and the taking care of yourself is in the nurturing of this pursuit. Anger and resentment hurts you.

Self caring myself : it doesn't make me feel any less humiliated but does help to rationalise and heal the feeling that I am the 'raging virago'. I feel it has been understandable to have fought back. But I don't have to do this anymore.