Is this Narcissistic behaviour?

[cafealoha]

So, I have this friend who is very difficult and who inevitably falls out with everyone. I've remained friends with her because I see snippets of kindness but admittedly not very often. I do try to see the best in people and I have just really turned a blind eye to a lot of things if I'm honest.

It's got to the point that I don't enjoy seeing her anymore and in any case she has been acting strangely towards me lately, I think because I told her my actual opinion on something which she disagrees with. She seems not to be speaking to me now and without going into details, she has been pretty foul to me and has accused my D1 of 'unacceptable behaviour' (which is a bit perplexing because D1 has no idea what she's on about).

I have decided to end this friendship (though it seems that it already has!). I don't want her in my life anymore. However, I always like to try to understand people's behaviour and I was wondering if she might be a bit narcissistic.

She has a couple of kids and if something isn't quite right with a class or the school they are in, she takes them out and moves them into what she perceives as something better. Absolutely everything is about achievement with her and her children who are 4 & 8 do about 7 activities a week outside school. Her 8 year old is taken to the theatre, the ballet, to classical concerts and it seems is being educated, primped and polished to the nth degree (and this has been going on for a long time). He child is a very serious child and doesn't seem able to have any fun. She has these high principles that everyone must conform to and if they don't it always ends in her falling out with them. There seems to be no regard for how she behaves towards others or the effect it has on them.

Is this narcissism? Has anyone else come across this strange behaviour?

To be honest I am not sure whether she is or isn't, hard to say. I was in a relationship with one and they can do some terrible things. She sounds awful.

I guess the point here is that in your case a 'label' doesn't really matter, she is not a good friend and it sounds like you have made your mind up (quite rightly so from your post).

I definitely would be happier not having a friend like this and I have cut a friend out who is a bit controlling like you describe. Sounds like a strong decision to me.

I don't know if she's a narcissist but you are a rescuer and people-pleaser

All it takes for evil to thrive is that good women do nothing.

Keep an eye on your blind eyes, OP.

Turn that psychoanalysis inwards.

Why are you such a people pleaser / rescuer that you stayed friends with someone who offers only snippets of kindness? Presumably you spent time with her rather than spending time with actual nice friends. What's going on with that?

Ten years ago, the fashionable armchair diagnosis of people we didn't like was sociopathy/psychopathy. Now it's narcissistic personality disorder. I'm not saying these people don't exist, or move among us, or that they aren't abusive, but I have to wonder where all these clinical psychologists are getting their medical diagnoses from. I don't think someone who is not a psychologist can really make such a serious diagnosis on someone with whom they inevitably have a highly emotionally charged relationship. And we certainly can't diagnose it based on someone's personal account on the internet.

It's not always a mental illness or disorder. Sometimes people are just selfish and unpleasant.

But even if we could diagnose her for you, who cares? Suppose someone tells you this unpleasant person is certainly suffering from an actual personality disorder. What difference does it make to you? You don't like her, with good cause so it seems, you don't have to engage with her. She's the same character whether or not someone gives her an NPD label.

Thanks jeaux90 for your helpful reply. Was a difficult decision but one I'm glad I made.

Thanks for replies but I'm over and outing from MN for good.

Bye!

Eh? What's up, OP?

She doesn't particularly sound like a narc, but she does seem very competitive and a control freak. When control freaks come up against people they can't control they disengage pretty quickly. I once got dropped by one because I didn't want to train for a 10k race with her after training for 5k. It's bewildering, but it was a relief (not least because I didn't have to run 10k!). It took me a while to realise what had happened. The penny only dropped after a conversation with a few people who also turned out to be former friends of hers. It was a standard pattern.