Refusing cunilingus

[Puzzled1]

I need some clarity if possible.

I understand that some people oral sex do not enjoy oral sex, either giving or receiving. (If you think about it in a non arousal state it can seem either comical or unhygienic). So I have no problem if someone feels that way and that would really rather avoid any oral sex.

But DW used to enjoy it a lot. Sometimes daily and sometimes it would be the only thing she would want.

In the past few years, -whenever- most times when she senses I might go in that general direction she pushes me away.

The few times she does allow me to do it on her I appears that she really enjoys it and does have an orgasm.

So my question is, if she is capable of enjoying it, why would she refuses it most times?

Some of my suspicions are:

a preference coming via full intercourse because it's more intimate.
she feels it may be dirty
I am not sure about this, but it might have been since pregnancy that she started feeling that way

It's not a big issue but I am quite puzzled so any explanation is welcome.

Or you could just ask her straight out like an adult might

Having a baby often loosens muscles, so perhaps some women find it harder to hold a fart in?

Why so pessimistic??

And why does it matter, anyway??

People change. Their preferences change. All the time - about all sorts of things.

As long as you aren't putting any pressure on each other to do stuff you don't want to do, and you're both fulfilled in and out of bed, it doesn't actually matter what those preferences are at any one point.

If you two never talk about sex your wife might have built up all kinds of resentment over the years, secretly wishing that you would do something different. The sooner you can break through that barrier the better! You're just trying to make sure she has fun in bed too, right?

I'm similar to your dw.

Childbirth changed me physically (I had a third degree tear and stitches). The first time I looked post childbirth I was really upset. So no way is dh getting down there!

Oh well, we just are blunt and talk about sex. We will ask we haven't done X in a while, or did he like Y the other night, would you like to try Z.

Just talk about it. It is not a taboo subject.

Others have suggested some phrasing upthread. "I've noticed.... Is there something you'd like me to do differently?" is a good one if you are worried she will feel "criticised" for the change.

Flo, the pelvic floor runs underneath the whole area so yes, changes can impact urethra, vagina and anus.

I like that you are bothered and interested.

I'd ask her when she pushes you away though, not when you're doing the dishes. Just a 'Why... I really want to.' She may not properly answer at the time, but it opens the door for a conversation later on, 'No really, I love going down on you. Has something changed?'

Or she may just tell you.

I feel very self-conscious when my current partner goes down on me. Do I smell/taste bad? What on earth does it look like down there? I'm taking too long. He'll get lockjaw. I'm taking too long... Therefore I find it hard to orgasm - too much going on in my head - and I don't really enjoy it. I sometimes let my partner do it because he seems to enjoy it.

Definitely a life stage thing. My first husband and I indulged a lot, and I had no worries at all.

Well, you'll never get an answer (elusive or not) from a bunch of strangers.

You do need to ask your DW - tell her you are puzzled. I don't see how this is a question you can avoid.

Thank you all.

I wouldn't want to do something she doesn't like and I am not interested in making feel uncomfortable for my sake. It's just that I know she used to like it a lot.

Cauliflower "lockjaw" I agree, say it when you're all smoochy. "Don't you like that any more? Shame, I love getting so close to your sexy body. " ... "I just want to make you feel good. Tell me if you want something different". If her feelings about her body have changed she might appreciate the reassurance and help to find a new way to have fun.
We're not saying that you're making her feel uncomfortable. We're saying that she might just feel uncomfortable now her body is different. Nice that you're looking for solutions!

I used to really enjoy it but don't anymore. It just doesn't feel close, I prefer kissing and more eye contact now.

Unless it's something I'm really in the mood for, I'd get a better quality orgasm from other things these days. We used to do a lot of oral. It's nothing whatever to do with my genitals feeling clean or pretty. (I'm fine with how it all looks and am far more likely to decline sexual activity if I'm straight out of the shower). People are different, and they change, but you'll never know what it is if you don't ask your wife.

Maybe not refer to it as cunilingus if you're going to bring it up?

If my gf said "would you like Fellatio?" I'd die laughing.

"Hey, place your vascularly engorged penis into my self lubricated vaginal passage and then move back and forth please!"

Ask her about it. If you can bump uglies then surely you can speak to her?

Thing is you have told us on here that you don't expect to get a bj in return - but you need to sit and talk to your DW about this

Communication is the key to your answer

How about you just tell her gently that due to her pushing you away you have all sorts of ideas why this may be so rather than assume you would rather know.

Tell her you enjoy oral sex but don't expect it in return ask if it would be nicer for you to both take a shower first so you both are confident you are fresh, talk to DW about all the possibilities and see what she has to say

Why is it confusing that she doesn't want it every time? Do you want the same moves every single time?

I don't think it is confusing. I think he wants to know why there's been a change. That's fair, is it not?

If it's since she's been through childbirth that's likely to be the reason, you wont know this though if you don't discuss it with her.
Also yes, please don't refer to it a cunilingus when you have said discussion - what a very formal way...

I haven't done this for about three years....it does upset dp and he never gives up trying. Loved it years ago but since having a couple of 9lb babies and third degree tears, I refuse to believe it's exactly the same as before. Added of course the embarrassing kangaroo pouch belly flapping about i just don't see how it would make for an attractive viewing haha. In fact I'd say it's impossible that it's exactly the same. So I can't relax anyway so I refuse it. Childbirth can really traumatise women in all different ways. Some things are never the same again.