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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think I'm being punished by my DH over this?

38 replies

sparklex · 17/08/2016 17:28

So me kids and DH went on a day out. On way home stopped at a service station for tea (too late to go home and cook) we had to walk across a bridge over the motor way to get it the over services in the other side. I didn't particularly like it. The thought of the cars underneath and the height just makes me feel a bit off. Anyway I was walking across and DH noticed I didn't particularly like it and starting going mad. Saying I'm just like my mum ( she is worse than me and fears a lot more things than I do) and he said I'm starting to look like her and that I'm even getting the same body shape as her ( she's a lot bigger than me) so I didn't end up eating any tea because he basically made out I had put loads of weight on whilst he ate his happily in front of me and now he's ignored me all night and all day and even slept on the sofa. I have to eat because I'm breastfeeding my 10 week old but he's made me self conscious because he's now made out I have put all this weight on. Not being horrible towards my mum but I'm 28 years old, my mum is 48, I don't want to look like her just yet do I?

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/08/2016 19:36

If a situation is not resolved to your satisfaction, how is it brushed under the carpet? How can he "carry on as normal" if you are clearly angry with him? What do you do when something is eating at you week after week? How do you behave? How do you show your displeasure?

Is it by hurting yourself somehow like you did with the food? Is martyring your weapon of choice?

Tip: martyring doesn't work, you have to cause the pain to the person who hurt you if you want them to change their behaviour.

Are you scared of him? Scared of confrontation in general?

LimpidPools · 17/08/2016 19:37

Look at the extent he's punishing you for... well, for what? For not enjoying walking over a bridge? For looking slightly nervous.

And people 'shouldn't be nervous or suffer with any depression.' Well, erm, it's hard to know what to say. We can't always have what we want?

But he wants you scared anyway OP. Nice and scared of him and his unpredictable moods. I bet if you'd been laughing as you went across that bridge you'd still have copped it. Because that's the point - it's nothing you did or didn't do. He just felt like making you feel shit.

He's a bully who wants you walking on eggshells, timid and easy to control. It's already working: he decides whether you talk about him being a shit your disagreements or not. (You don't.)

He also seems to be deciding your opinions. Do you like your Mum? Would being similar to her be so bad? I'm 30 and my Mum is 58. I don't want to be 58 yet, but I'd be proud to be a person like she is.

AutumnRose1988 · 17/08/2016 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 17/08/2016 19:55

He's speaking like a man who has an OW tucked away.

If I was you I'd focus on yourself and your baby. I'm sure a 10 week old keeps you busy, but try and get a little bit of time to yourself. Even a couple of hours to go for a walk in the evening or do a relaxing yoga class. Nothing strenuous.

You've just had a baby and he's being so horrible to you. His attitude is enough to make one feel depressed, but don't let it. Love yourself, get your confidence and ultimately decide if you want to be with a man like this forever.

His comments were unkind. It's not that you don't want to look like your mum, but it's the horrible way he said it with nothing positive.

Finelytuned · 17/08/2016 20:09

He's speaking like a man who has an OW tucked away.

Bloody hell, the OP having said she suffers from anxiety, that's going to help make her feel a lot better now isn't it.

Op, whilst your DH's behaviour towards you is atrocious, it DOES NOT mean he's having an affair.

Dozer · 17/08/2016 23:11

He sounds emotionally abusive: silent treatment/sulking, put downs and leaving you to care for the DC.

This relationship will be very bad for your mental health.

Atenco · 18/08/2016 02:30

OP, he really sounds horrible and I'm sure he contributes to your anxiety and low self esteem. Is your mother so horrible that he should insult you with her?

adora1 · 18/08/2016 14:15

Please stop allowing this coward to bully you, he sounds beyond vile, nobody should accept that kind of treatment, nobody; why are you putting up with it?

andintothefire · 18/08/2016 15:55

I agree that he sounds horrible. I would be very angry indeed if my partner made a comment about my weight, but to do so when you are a new mother is just appalling.

On the other hand, I do wonder if - for your own sake - you might want to think about why you are getting scared about situations like walking over a bridge. Is it a general increased level of anxiety? Do you think you might need help dealing with situations like that? Do you think it might even be related to your DH's behaviour towards you recently? It sounds like an overreaction on your part and to me suggests that there might be something underlying the fear. My grandmother was often very anxious and fearful in everyday situations, and it made things quite difficult and stressful for other people. I have a great deal of sympathy for her, but also think that it is important to try not to let that fear affect your life, and to try to get help if you possibly can.

glitterwhip · 18/08/2016 16:03

He's a twat ..you don't deserve that you've just had a baby fgs! And breastfeeding ..eat whatever you like x sod him! He's trying to belittle you when you're at a pretty vulnerable stage emotionally ..horrible

Armadillostoes · 18/08/2016 20:06

I agree with everyone that your DH has been appalling. This really isn't normal. To taunt you about your weight when you have given birth so recently is cruel and ignorant.

Also, for what it is worth, I have a close friend who is one of the bravest people I know, and he gets very wobbly walking over bridges. It isn't about courage, it's just an instinctive reaction which some people have. Again, if your DH doesn't understand that he must be very dense, and if he does understand it but makes nasty comments anyway, he must be horrible. You really don't deserve this treatment. I hope that today has been a better day.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs · 18/08/2016 21:09

I can think of a really good use for that bridge OP.
Your husband sounds like a turd best flushed. LTB.

alltouchedout · 18/08/2016 21:24

Dear god OP. I have an incredible fear of bridges, particularly motorway bridges. I can sometimes make myself cross them bit not always and if I do I need a lot of support. A lot. DH does not get my fear at all- he just can't understand it- but he has never so much as sighed when I have delayed us by hours because I couldn't do a bridge and needed an alternative route. And dh is not generally a particularly patient man- he just knows that I am genuinely frightened and it is pointless being anything other than kind about it.

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