It's becoming all to much

[thisisallnewtome8]

Please can someone dating or marrying a widower help me. I need to calm my mind. At the moment my thoughts are all about never been as good as my DP's late wife.
Not as beautiful.
He loved her more.
Not a good mother figure.
I know this all sounds so petty but is all consuming at the moment.
I know I've left out lots of information but I needed to get this down in writing as I'm choking back tears.
Has anyone felt like me?

Yes I had a feeling that it might be that he was just remembering even the imperfect things about her with affection. (He sounds rather loveable, OP; I see why you do.)

And you know what? From what I know of Cabrinha she's a pretty special person. Your partner's wife probably was too. But you've been reading the step parenting board, you said? I have too, and I've seen how many people wouldn't consider getting together with someone who has sole custody of their kids - who can't give them their undivided attention at least EOW. I marvel at how unselfish my boyfriend is, and you too, for even considering taking on a widowed parent with young DC, who are always going to need a lot of nurture and attention due to the trauma of bereavement. You are utterly awesome for not just considering it but actually going through with it.

So kudos to you.

Your partner clearly loves you very much. Your challenge is to learn to love yourself before your insecurities put the love you feel for this man and his kids at risk.

Finding a good counsellor will help in dealing with whatever baggage from your past is weighing you down.

You definitely need to work on your self-esteem, OP. I can unfortunately imagine exactly how you feel because I have always been someone who compares myself to other people and always end up the loser. But objectively speaking everyone is different and long live difference. You've got to realise that you are unique and as such you are bringing something unique into that family.

You're absolutely right. He saw qualities in me when we first met, so much so that he introduced me to the family dynamic very soon.
I do find parenting hard but care deeply for their children and feel very privileged to play a part in parenting when I never thought I would get the opportunity.
Nobody likes a needy and insecure person and I feel that this is what I'm becoming.
I feel I do need to speak with someone professional as my friends always agree with me when actually at times you need to be told you're being unreasonable.
I met a wonderful man who has loved and is capable of loving again.
Let's start with that.
Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to answer me.
Somerville, I wish you every happiness in your future.
Cabrinha, I suspect I'll be re-reading your wise words again in the future.

You're very kind, but do you see that you're again making a comparison that puts you down?
You don't need to feel more like me because you're fab how you are and your feelings are totally understandable!

We all have different triggers! I'm jealous too - not of her so much as of them as a couple, that they got to parent a new baby between them. My XH was useless and I suspect my fiancé was rather good.

Difference is a bit of jealousy isn't making me feel bad or stopping me enjoying my relationship.

It won't have been all perfect between them, it never is. But it might have been pretty bloody good! The thing I'd focus on, is that whether they'd have split acrimoniously if she'd lived, or whether they never had a cross word ever, it doesn't change your relationship.

He may well have rose tinted specs, but can you consider that actually that might not matter?

I do think he should be more willing to talk to you about how you're feeling - but otherwise, it sounds like he loves you!

I think its called "retrospective jealousy".

Mostly its the result of lack of self-esteem and self-value .

The fantasy is that the ex-girlfriend, or wife, etc is somehow better than you for whatever reason.

I suffered from it when I was younger in a couple of relationships. I had some fairly expensive (but very short-term) Jungian therapy. I suddenly saw my sense of powerlessness and lack of self-esteem as clear as day, and it disappeared pooof as if by magic.