Too soon for this conversation?

[knockingonheavensdoor]

I've got date number 3 coming up with a guy I met on tinder about a month ago. Since we first matched we have messaged every day, and both dates have gone beyond perfectly. I fancy the fucking pants off him and we've had conversations about me staying over at his soon. All good stuff.

I've had a really bloody rough time of it in the past though, been cheated on, hit, sworn at, abused emotionally, financially, mentally etc etc and therefore my twat radar is on very high alert. Thankfully I've had no warning signs, red flags whatsoever from him. But I would like to kind of have the exclusivity/expectations chat with him before things progress. Does anyone have any experience of this and how it went? I'm scared I'm being too previous and that it'll scare him off, think I'm being too heavy but part of me just wants to be upfront and honest after everything I've been through so I don't get hurt again.

Anyone?

I think it's too soon if this is only going to be your third date. Definitely for the exclusivity talk anyway. You could tell him what you're looking for etc, but I wouldn't mention being exclusive to eachother after just two dates. It could scare him off (if that's what you meant)

If anything it could be better to not mention anything like that and just play it cool with your twat radar on full alert. That's what I'm doing at the moment! Trying to stay out of it emotionally until I work out what he's like a bit more.

I can't say it's the right thing to do but if I were in his shoes and you spoke to me about it I'd understand. After going through what sounds like hell you're bound to want to protect yourself from any future upsets.
Thing is though, I'm not sure there's many abusive people who would answer "yes" if you asked them if they're abusive. You'll have to learn to trust/take it steady until you can figure him out. Just don't move him in and marry him straight away :)

Thanks Amy, that is what I meant. My gut feeling tells me he's a good guy but of course you never quite know do you? How soon is too soon to sleep with someone?? I haven't had sex for over 4 years and I'm kind of gagging for it!!!

I mean is he still using Tinder? I think you can see his most recent activity on his profile.
I would see how things go and perhaps bring it up on date 5/6?

Good luck

Oh, I didn't know you could do that!

Jean I've had a quick look and I can't see how you do that?

I've had a nightmare with men, I've been cheated on, had the emotional abuse and been screwed over financially too by more than one person so I know exactly how you feel. The last guy I was seeing knew exactly what I had been through because I told him in the beginning, and he ended up doing the same if not worse to me a matter of weeks later! (To be honest part of me feels like when I told him I'd been taken for a mug before it made him think I was a pushover and gave him the green light to do it to me aswell). After that I feel like there's no point mentioning it to a new guy, if they're a bad egg then they'll still treat you like crap in the end whether you've been hurt before or not. And like the other poster said, they'll never say they are like that.

It's hard taking things really slow when you like someone, I totally can relate! But I think it's in our best interests to work out their true colours. I'm typical for believing everyone is nice and tells the truth but the last guy really showed me that's not the case.

They got rid of the last active time on Tinder a few months ago so you can't see it anymore!

Oh Amy, it's tough isn't it? Sorry you've been through a horrible time too.

So maybe playing it cool is the way forward, not showing my hand too soon. Or is that playing games? Arrrggghhh. Now I'm overthinking it all

It is tough. I wouldn't say it's playing games, just being sensible. The joys of the dating game!

You're not overthinking it, you're looking out for number 1 OP & that's how it should be

Way, way, way too soon for a convo like that though, I think most people would run a mile so early on. Just enjoy the next date & look no further than that for the time being. Enjoy yourself & if he energises you, rather than drains you & can make you laugh, all the better

Do you mean you are worried about sleeping with him in case he disappears or something (loads of threads about that at the moment.)

I can't see a way of ensuring that doesn't happen beforehand although having done online dating on and off for a while I take it slowly these days. My only regrets have been where it's moves quickly and then the guy turns out to be a bit dodgy then you can't get rid of them and they know your address etc.

Sometimes it's difficult to wait when you are attracted to each other but if you go for it straight away then just make sure you keep your guard up a bit to protect yourself.

I've been in a similar situation difference being we had already dtd fairly early on (I need to know there's sexual compatibility or what's the pint imo).

I told him I'd come of tinder, explained that this wasn't because I was planning a future with him, but for me I find it difficult to maintain conversations/go on dates with other people when I liked someone else.

I didn't ask him to do the same, I just put it out there and a few days later he told me he'd come off it too.

All you can do is why feels right for you. Even if it ends up coming to nothing (thinks mine is heading that way) at least you've been honest.

Yes God exactly that. The thing is I joined tinder after being on my own for 18 months, having had counselling, sorting myself out, getting in the right place for it etc and kind of thought it would be a laugh and that Id meet loads of twats before meeting anyone even half decent! This guy has kind of blown me away...we've got loads in common, have mutual friends and things just feel right. I never expected this at all and has me feeling all in a bit of a flap!

"This guy has kind of blown me away...we've got loads in common, have mutual friends and things just feel right. I never expected this at all and has me feeling all in a bit of a flap"

Excellent. Sounds like a keeper so far...so maybe not bring it up and see. Look for red flags. Give it a month or so and then let him know a little about your past, judge his reaction.

I agree take your time. I would not advocate playing games but just play it a bit cool, it's very early days so try not to get too invested. After what you've been through you need to protect yourself. I hope it all works out for you.

Oh bless you, OP.. I know what you mean, getting out there again having had counselling after abusive relationships, your twat radar is turned up so high that you get totally confuddled when a Good One comes along!!

Don't have that convo yet. Think about when the right time is to dtd for you. Think about whether you require sexual exclusivity before dtd, and make 100% sure you use condoms. But at this point try and let it unfold. It's the most difficult thing to do, ever!!! But try if you can.

But I would like to kind of have the exclusivity/expectations chat with him before things progress. Does anyone have any experience of this and how it went?

I think you need to be clear what you want from the chat. I think you can tell him what you're doing re exclusivity, but you can't tell him what to do, if you see what I mean?

I had this chat at about date 3. I said, "look, I like a simple life so just so you know, I'm not going to be dating anyone else. I'd like to give this a couple of weeks to see what develops". And it went really well but I said it with no expectations of him saying anything.

In hindsight, it probably stopped him doing as much chasing/wooing but I'm ok with that if it meant we were both feeling secure and not too angsty. Another point is that he's a friend-of-a-friend so came with excellent references.

Mmm thinking back I did the same as Red

Saw after second date he was online so told him I was coming off and that I like the simple life.

Fortunately he is the same. He explained he was saying 'thanks but no thanks' so a couple of people and after that he did the same.

I think if you guys are a good match - then it should be ok saying that, but there aren't any guarantees of either. Goddarn it.

Good point about no guarantees Handy. Also, I wouldn't worry if he doesn't say the same. Sometimes a bit of blunt openness can take people by surprise!

Way , way too soon and pointless too, namely because how could either of you possibly know after a couple of dates whether you want to be exclusive with each other ??! I mean you could both pay lip service to it but what would be the point. Your past hurt has no bearing on this unless you let it. Please please just enjoy and don't spoil it by looking for labels, you've met the guy twice, be more discerning - take time to make Your mind up, no discussion needed.