Should I tell DC real reason for separation?

[Greyanatomy]

Me and H recently separated due to him having affair with OW. Left me for her. Left family home a few weeks ago. Told DC who in general has taken news ok. Told that mum & dad been fighting a lot so decided better to separate. We were fighting a lot but because of OW (he followed script ie denied it for weeks). But have been asked why dad no longer wants to live with us.

H's parents split when he was at Uni but mainly due to FIL having numerous affairs during long marriage to MIL. Been reading about how children of parents who have had affairs are likely to also have affairs. But also that by being dishonest with children of the real reason for split that you you are teaching them it is ok to lie. I am not sure how true this is and I'm sure it depends on situation. So basically I am wondering if we should be honest with DC (8). Obviously at this age wouldn't give lots of details but wonder if it should be that dad now loves somebody else and that is why he has left home (he hasn't moved in with OW but renting own place for now)? Anyone else been honest with DC and did it make things worse or better?

OP, if he splits up with OW, first of all that's his lookout, second of all I would put money on him crawling back to you. That's why he's not willing to get on with a divorce - he wants you on the backburner just in case.

Felicia - you are not the first person to say that to me. I honestly doubt if his relationship fails he would come crawling back (because I have done unforgivable things like the reason I found out about affair was because of going into his phone etc). He is also the sort of person that is so pigheaded that he could stay with OW just to prove a point regardless of whether he is happy or not. He wouldn't want to prove anyone right that he had made a big mistake & destroyed his family in the process. Even he if did try to crawl his way back - the door is well and truly closed on that ever happening!

Good.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Also to be aware that just because you try your best to shield DC from the horrible truth, it doesn't mean he will too.

My mum and dad told me they were splitting when I was 18, there was no one else involved they just didn't love each other anymore. I had had my suspicions for years tbh. My dad then told me it was my mum that wanted to split not him, which sent me hysterical just as I went into work . Needless to say, what he had omitted was that my mum said she wanted to split because my dad told her he didn't love her anymore but was willing to stay together 'for the kids' until my brother (10 at the time) was 18. My mum wasn't willing to do that, although she let him stay in the house for the best part of a year before he moved out.

Just be open with DC and let them know no subject is off limits, they may have difficult questions to ask and you'll try to answer them as best you can. But not to shut it in and make them feel sad.

Please don't tell your child that. My DHs ex wife told their kids the ins and outs of their divorce at the age of 5 and 6 (with lies added on about cheating) and they never really got over it

I am 56. My parents separated when I was 12 because my father had an affair. My mother divorced him over it. She drove him to it after years of affairs. They thought they could cover it up. Boilleaux. I always knew and detested them both for the lies for a long time. My mother more.

Don't lie to or mess your children about if you expect to have a healthy long term loving and trustful relationship with them.

Oh and try to be civil to each other and don't play each other off using the children.

I really don't think your child needs to know that his father had an affair. As a PP stated, telling them that mum and dad love them but aren't happy together is the best way. This isn't about protecting your ex; it's about protecting your child from having to grapple with adult issues. Your child would also be feeling bad for you which is an emotion they can do without.

dad had a girlfriend, you can't have a girlfriend and a wife

Both PPs who've said this to their children - I think it's ideal.

There's probably a lot of truth in the suggestion that philandering passes down the generations because of concealment from the children. The simple statement that you can't have a girlfriend and a wife (or boyfriend & husband) makes the facts clear.

As horrible as it must feel for you right now, Grey, it is better for DC that they like her - whether it lasts or not. It wouldn't be nice to think their beloved father preferred a nasty girlfriend to their wonderful mother! Really wishing you all the support and good sense you need while the rest of the 'script' plays out

So sorry you are going through this.

My DC were 7 and 5 when we told them. I explained the different types of love you have for a partner and parent/child. I then said that daddy felt love for someone else than mummy and this was not possible as we were married. It was all put in as simple terms as we could make it and the DC'S got the gist. They thought about it for about 10 seconds and then asked a few questions about who she was, what she looked like, her name etc. As your DC's know her I wouldn't reveal her identity because who knows what the future holds. Also, if their relationship doesn't work, the reason still stands. He had an affair and that's not going to change.

For me I told them because I felt that being open and honest means it's all out there. I woukd hate for them to have heard on the grapevine (because people do talk) and then have to tell them in years to come when they may be at a vulnerable part of their lives. I also thought that at this age they would accept what their father did and it would not affect their relationship with them.

I don't regret them knowing. My youngest is now 6 and sometimes gets upset when tired asking me to give daddy a second chance. It's heartbreaking, but I think he could possibly say this had the circumstances of our split been different.

Overall I just didn't want either of them to shoulder any of the blame. Whilst I didn't blame my ex for what had happened, they know the basic facts and the reasons have nothing to do with them.

I don't think they need to know why. It adds to all the stress of it. I would just say that mummy and daddy don't make each other very happy anymore but they both still love you more than ever. They don't need to know about infidelity and the other woman.

You absolutely safeguard your relationship with them by being nothing but honest whilst not making them in any way responsible for your emotions. So a straight forward, Daddy has a girlfriend and I can't be his wife when he has a girlfriend. But he's still Daddy and I'm still Mummy and we both love you very much. Sometimes I might think he's annoying and a bit if a numpty, but he is your Daddy so I still love him for that. Things will be different but that's ok. If you're ever worried or have a question just ask. Love you. Would you like fish fingers for tea?

I think that explaining that dad has a girlfriend and doesn't want a wife anymore helps the child not to fantasize about his parents getting back together or thinking that dad could come back if he said sorry and mum forgave him.

My children have said that they wish that they could travel back in time (pre-affair) but understand that an affair and decision to have a gf means that there is no going back.

My advice is to keep it short and sweet. (I tend to ramble once I start) If they need more info they can ask although a lot of questions will probably have to be directed to his dad because you won't know if she has a cat or whatever.

Family love and romantic love is different and reassure ds that both parents still feel exactly the same about him.

It's likely I'm overthinking this, but wonder whether 'mummy & daddy don't love each other any more and that's why daddy got a girlfriend' might not perpetuate the classic excuse for an affair? We all know that affairs usually happen just because, not as the inevitable consequence of an unsatisfactory marriage. Prevention is achieved by self-management, not by the deceived partner.

Does the classic line to children plant the idea that Mummy can't have been a good enough wife, so Daddy was entitled to replacement?

I think I prefer "you can't have a girlfriend and a wife".

We joke that we ( the children and I ) share the same blood and daddy and the children share the same blood but actually except for these wonderful blood filled squiggles daddy and I are strangers to each other and that makes us all very happy
They love that, I am in awe of how children absorb facts and keep dialogue open. Good luck

My parents told me that mummy and daddy had been fighting a lot and were making each other and me and my brother sad so had decided to live apart. They loved us both and didn't want us to be sad because they were fighting.

There was an OW but I didn't meet her at first. She was introduced later as "someone who makes daddy happy" I learnt about it being an affair a few years later when old enough to understand.

My mum did a brilliant job. She never ever slagged my dad just told me things as and when I asked. I got the full story over a few years as bits came out when I asked questions (usually things like "did dad used to behave like X is that what made you sad?") I can't remember how old I was when I found out he was a cheating shit but I do remember it being a bit easier to deal with as if dealt with things gradually.

See... I would not accept half of the blame.
Mummy and daddy have fallen out or argue a lot or don't love each other anymore.
I made it very clear when we were telling our DD that he had to ensure that I was in no way to blame for any of it.

My DD (11 at the time) took it badly. We told her daddy didn't love mummy anymore but that we both loved her dearly etc....

I was shopping with her about a week later and she said:-
'Mum, dad's having an affair isn't he?'
I asked why she thought that.
Her: 'It's obvious - it's hardly rocket science'
Bless her.

My story was exactly that point ami - don't think that because you've got your side sorted the cause the least distress that STBXH has and will do the same! I was 18, not a child, and was expecting the split, what I wasn't expecting was my dad to say something so designed to place the blame at my mum's feet.

'Mummy and daddy don't love one another any more'? If that's true then say it. If it's not then don't.

Eg you might still love him.

Daddy has a girlfriend and you can't have a girlfriend and a wife is the best way to go imo.