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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP has just asked why I always snap at him...

23 replies

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 08:25

Well, it's because he's a grown man and he's incapable of tidying up after himself!!!

It was my birthday on Saturday, and I had said please could I just have one day off doing anyt housework. Yes, he said, I'll do everything, he said.

I have spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday dealing with the farking consequenses. He can't even put the tossing butter back in the fridge after he's used it. I have just yelled at him and he called me a nag.

I have tried my hardest talking to him about it in a calm measured way, but it doens' go through his thick skull. I'm fed up with it.

If I ask him to do anything I get the answetr "I pay for everything" to which I reply, erm no you don;t lovey.I have a job which I do in the evenings 5 times a week as well as looking after a 5 month old and a boisterous 2 year old during the day. I am up at 5 most orning and barely in bed before 12 most nights and I can't keep up any more!!!!

Sorry fro whinging, but I figured moaning on here is better than puitting aresnic in DP's sandwiches

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Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 08:29

Apologies for typing, I was apoplectic with rage due to the marmalade being left out, again

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SherlockLGJ · 30/01/2007 08:33

Tell him you like a tidy house and you realise he works,so to this end you are going to give up your evening job.

This way you will both be happy, you will have a tidy house and he won't have to help.

However when he realise that you were not working for Monopoly money, and it has dried up you may find him a tad more helpful.

Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:02

Thing is though, without literally rubbing his nose in the mess He's oblivious to hints etc. Giving up my job isn't financially viable, because if I do, we don't eat. I'm just fed up with being a skivvy.

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Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:02

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Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:02

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Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:02

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Aloha · 30/01/2007 09:04

I think you have a problem in that you have different standards. I keep the butter on the worktop, and often the honey too. And there is a big jar of olives out as well. I'd feel really depressed if dh kept telling me off. I'm not a very tidy person.

Budababe · 30/01/2007 09:08

Same here Aloha. I try to be tidy and love it when the house is tidy but am very untidy myself. And can sit happily on sofa with a book and a cuppa while surrounded by mess - I just don't see it!

IGW - No judge would convict you!!!! Arsenic it is!

Tortington · 30/01/2007 09:08

do a rota

amidaiwish · 30/01/2007 09:10

it sounds like (unsurprisingly) you are knackered...
think you need to sit down and find a solution - either rota or cleaner or something.

Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:12

God, I must sound like such a nagging old haridan

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Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:12

God, I must sound like such a nagging old haridan

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Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:19

I'm not particularly bothered about the house being tidy and I'm not that house proud, but i do like to keep it all ticking over nicely. It just pisses me off that I had one day of not doing it, and I have to spend the next 3 putting it right. I'm knackered. I need a holiday!

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Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:19

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1sue1 · 30/01/2007 09:23

i think as someone said, its that you have different standards. I am sure he doesn't look at the butter and think 'fuck that, SHE can put it away'...its more that it doesn't enter his head at all...in other words, he can't help it....he can however help his attitude of 'I work so don't have to lift a finger'.

I would do as suggested and have a rota. you do the general butter in fridge stuff on an hourly basis as it's you that CAN do it, let him do bigger stuff like hoovering, windows etc.

Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 09:30

The thing is though that he won't do those things. It's always 'in the morning' and then it never gets done.

I'd go on strike but we'd be kim and aggie candidates within a week

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1sue1 · 30/01/2007 09:37

hmmmm if you went on strike, only you'd be hurt by it in the end.

If you actually made a list of everything that needs doing, showed it him and said you're too knackered to do it all any more, and will he choose some things to take the pressure off, what would he say?

amidaiwish · 30/01/2007 09:45

but something does have to give, and the rate you are going, it will be you.

you really need to sit down with a list of all the weekly/monthly household tasks (just put down the minimum) and then try to estimate how many hours it takes. He has to either
a) help you
b) pay for a cleaner
c) you give up your job and do all the house stuff.

it's a, b or c. let him choose.

oliveoil · 30/01/2007 09:48

He is a grown man, so he does his share, end of.

BUT with dh, he really does not see the mess in the way that I do, so you have to lower your standards a tad.

I do most of the cleaning, dh does the cooking, he does the kitchen and bathroom, I endlessly pick things up and put things away.

Next time you feel like moaning, count to 10. Then think whether it really matters in the grand scheme of things whether the butter knife is out etc etc.

Can you plan a night out, you seem fed up?

OrmIrian · 30/01/2007 11:49

intergalactic - are you my DH's secret other wife??? Because I'd swear we share the same DH. And I don't know the answer. Different standards of cleanliness/tidiness are very different to reconcile. My idea of a clean house is different to DH's. And you can't just try the tactic of not bothering, to force him to do it, because if he doesn't give a shit he will probably just be releived that you aren't hassling him anymore. I have simply learnt to lower my standards and wear blinkers. Sometimes I still blow up because living in chaos really really upsets me....but I've been with DH for 20 years more or less and nothing but nothing I say or do gets through to him. He doesn't see the mess. I do but I've learned to try to see with his eyes.

Sorry not much help

Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 18:56

He's just come home and moaned about the mess

I can't blardy win

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LoveMyGirls · 30/01/2007 19:12

i found telling him exactly what i want him to do helped.

eg
In the morning i expect him to pick up after himself, nag dd1 to get ready for school (as he's up there getting ready and i'm down here feeding 2 babies, otherwise known as working), change the sheet on the cot, sort the dishwasher if he has time, iron his own clothes and occasionally something for me or the kids.

In the evening i expect him to do the dishwasher, feed the pets, bath dd2 (if hes home on time) put dd2 to bed.

on weekends i expect him to take the kids out to his mums for a few hours so i can give the house a good going over or help me give the house a good going over, we say things like will you hoover while i clean the bathroom.........

we both work full time we have 2 dd's.

Original poster

IntergalacticWalrus · 30/01/2007 19:58

I think I'll have to give him instructions which I will permanantly tattoo on the inside of his eyelids.

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