Why do they suddenly disappear- another dating saga.

[emilybrontescorset]

Hi
I'm pissed off right now.
Was going to name change but what the hell so here goes.
I've been single since January.it was my decision, no problem.
Used that time to go out with friends and focus on what I want etc etc.

Anyway.. Joined plenty of fish( I know) lots of friends have found their partner on there.
I've had lots of messages.
I've been quite clear with my requirements( sounds harsh) ive said no for many reasons.

However I had meets with some men.
Some where there hasn't been a connection and it hasn't lead to another meet up.
I've clearly stated I want a single man who wants a relationship.
I've also said I only want to meet initially for coffee because I don't want either of us to feel we have wasted a full day if we do not get along.

Now I've met 2 men who I liked, and liked a lot. The first one said he liked me could we meet up again he told me all about himself blah blah. He went into serious details telling me all about his beliefs and other things.
We met several times and ge asked me to spend his birthday with him,
I agreed all was good he said he had had a fantastic time.
Then things progressed and we did.
It was fabulous. We both enjoyed it.
Then no contact.
I texted him and rang and he didn't reply.
I put it down to experience.
He is now back on line and I haven't contacted him.
He actually chased me quite a lot when I think about it. I also told him I wasn't interested in seeing him just for sex.

Anyway I then met another man and we chatted on line. We met for coffee and things went well. I was more cautious but as I liked him I agreed to meet him again.
He told me all about his life ect etc
We then spent the day together and again I was slightly more cautious.
He sensed this and asked if I liked him as he liked me, only wanted to vs with one woman didn't want a one night stand, wasn't looking just for sex etc etc.
As the day progressed we had fun and we ended up kissing.
He asked if I wanted to go yo his for coffee and we ended up dad and I spent the night at his.
The next day things were great and we agreed to meet up later.
Then I get a text message and he says ge has to cancel as his son is coming but ge would ring me when his son had left.
I had a gut feeling he was lying,

I text him before I went to bed and he text back but I scent heard from him since.

Wtf is wrong with these men.
I gad conversations with both of them agreeing that people who just want sex should use other sites.

This is 2016- are men still expecting women not to have sex? Or wait until they are bloody engaged.


Fwiw both ndn said they would come off the dating site, since they had found what they were looking for.
Both said the sex was amazing.
Ffs have I been that unlucky to have met 2 fucking players who lie their ass off.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

Just block the fucker already. He doesn't deserve any more of your time, attention or energy!!

[emilybrontescorset]

Sorry I've not made myself clear.
He didn't tell me on the first date that he liked me.
He told me the last time we met that he had liked me from the first date.

[AbyssinianBanana]

Just tell yourself you were practicing dating and having a bit of fun with these two. You weren't looking for a serious relationship, you were just testing the dating scene and getting your toes wet. Learning the game. You used them as good-enough for now teaching material and you knew neither were keeper material. Give yourself a talk to. Otherwise, you'll dwell on them and give them headspace they haven't earned in your life.

[CheeseFan]

Sorry you have had to experience these dicks.

I do think they are around on most dating sites (I had my fair share when I was dating and it never got any easier to deal with).

I wonder if it might be worth using a different site, I might be wrong but always had the impression that POF was full of idiots.... But then I met a total idiot on EHarmony (he made me fall for him over 5 months, went on holiday with me and then engineered an argument so that we broke up). I met my currently partner on OKCupid and have been with him for over two years, living together.

There are decent guys out there and I think you will come across both types in all walks of life. Perhaps try another website that is aimed more towards people who want a serious relationship, maybe Guardian Soulmates or something?

Good luck!

[CheeseFan]

Just realised my post is totally contradictory, that will teach me to post without thinking through what I wanted to say and whilst getting off a busy train!

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

It's the thrill of the chase, and the challenge. You've set yourself as a harder "target" with your strict requirements, they want to see if they can get you to break your own rules and have sex with them. There's no thrill in tindering people who are looking for sex - they find it in making people who are looking for serious relationships have sex with them. It reinforces their self belief that they are an irresistible sex god.

I don't think there's any judgement, just that once you've had sex with them, the "game" is over.

Actions over words, especially with guys you hardly know. They are literally just saying what they think you want to hear.

[ButtMuncher]

I had this throughout dating experiences in my 20's - so definitely not age dependent. I really found no rhyme or reason to it - from profiles there was literally nothing to indicate these men were anything other than genuine. And this was across both paid and free sites. In fact, I think I had more issues with the blokes I met on paid sites - I guess they were willing to play more of the long game!

I don't really know how to advise - I've not experienced online dating for about 7 years now so wouldn't know whether etiquette has changed or not, but I'm sorry you've experienced this OP.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

You meet idiots everywhere, I just think it's easier to hide who you are online and it's also easier to "disappear" on someone when you've only met them once and know practically nothing about them.

But on the other hand, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to see people anymore. Yes, they're idiots for not just telling you they're not interested but in their minds, it's easier to dump and run.

You need to develop a thick skin and be aware that nice words and sex won't always lead to commitment!

[emilybrontescorset]

Thanks everyone.
I know I shouldn't give it anymore headspace but I found it all really upsetting.

I can quite easily have sex if I want to. I know for a fact my dd1 s friends fantasie about me they tell her constantly. But I don't want that.

I went on line last night and altered my profile.
I removed details about how long I'd been in a relationship for and I have become more blunt.

I agree totally that I in my naivety I probably looked like a good chase or whatever.
Having only been with 2 men in 25+ years stating that Im looking for a serious relationship, stating I want to meet briefly for coffee etc all probably made me more of a challenge.

With both of these men I specifically said I wanted to meet in a busy, well lit public place, maybe I should say I want them at my house or something!!!!
So I've removed all that.
Still upset about it though.

I have a profile on ok Cupid but don't really like the site, I find prof a bit easier to navigate around. Also I keep getting messages rom men in the states and Australia begging me to to chat to them on ok Cupid so I don't bother with it now.

[Mummydummy]

I've been online dating on and off for 8 years. Met some lovely guys, had some relationships that have lasted 6 mths to a year or more (though I have to say I've prefered the guys I've met through real life). But of course I've met my fair share of men who go hot and cold or are lukewarm and indecisive too. I've just had one see me for 6 dates and gradually get cooler and cooler - happily I didn't sleep with him straightaway, kept something back, so the oxytocin didn't start to form an unreciprocated attachment. I think all the websites will have the range of men on them, there's no safe option - and from the men I've talked to about it there's a fair few crazy women out there too. Really!

I tend to take a more charitable view - that most men don't know what they want. They enjoy your company, sleep with you, then realise they're not that bothered and drift on. They don't necessarily even employ their brains that much - just drift on without thinking. Back to the supermarket to browse the shelves - there always might be someone 'better' or 'different' out there. Maybe they don't know what they're looking for, and there's too much choice. Especially if they're newly out of a long relationship - they really are in a messy spin for a while I think. I'm definitely cautious now, dont sleep with them too quickly, keep something in reserve to not like them too much. (I still get pissed off though).

Put it down to experience. You are unlikely to meet the perfect guy straight away, it will take time, often when you're not expecting it or have low expectations. Take it easy and take the time to decide whether you rally like them and find out more about them, are they right for you? I think sometimes as women we are prone to want to please men and be liked (whether we are really into them or not), we ask do they like me, are they into me, rather than seeing it the other way round. It definitely gives more protection. If you've met a guy 2, 3, 4, 5 times you still really don't know him and whether you will really click. See yourself as the person who's making choices not the other way round.

Good luck! I've had some great adventures. But I try to keep a level head and be realistic. (Except when I don't..... I've been hugely impulsive too...)

[GodImbored]

Sometimes people just change their minds. They might not be players or out to hurt you or intentionally mess you around. I have done it myself lots of times eg arranged to meet someone again then over a couple of days I start to have doubts and cancel. Sometimes before or after sex. I only want to see someone again if I am excited and can't wait to see them. No point for me otherwise.

If you have been online dating a while you can become a bit jaded eg my heart sinks when I get a what's app message from a guy as invariably they want to ping pong all day and night and it's boring. I have taken a break from it tbh as I felt that guys wanted more than I could offer, yes a shag of course but often they want constant contact and dates and it's too heavy.

I don't think it's anything to do with your profile op - I take little notice of them unless there are red flags of course.

Just go in to it a bit more wary and protect yourself. And if it's not fun don't bother.

[wizzywig]

When i were a young 'un, ie, 20 odd years ago, me and my siblings were on the arranged marriage treadmill. The lies that these men came out with just because they couldnt say (and i know because id find out later) "sorry but ive got a girlfriend". Some men are just a-holes

[LesisMiserable]

To be totally blunt you weren't much of a challenge though were you. You wanted sex and you got it. Absolutely nothing wrong in that. Maybe they just didn't feel sexual chemistry enough to pursue it. They're only 2 out of millions of men out there, you can't expect to click physically with everyone you sleep with.

[emilybrontescorset]

Hi all,
Well I've had a very good chat with a guy online.
He's had his ups and downs too.
He gave me a male perspective and in all honesty it was great talking to him. We spoke on the phone too and I feel a lot better after speaking to him.

[FurkinA]

If you wanted to meet a man on a sex site you'd find one straight a away. Because they're full of men. That's why they stick to normal sites. Fucking revolting behaviour though, God forbid you be honest with a woman and treat her like a person

[Cabrinha]

I'm curious about his male perspective - care to share?

Do remember that it is just one person's view though. My male friends who do OLD have given me the impression stated by several upthread - i.e. that they like someone, have quite a low "like" threshold for sex, and afterwards sometimes think "eeep - I don't like her that much". Especially when they've got other irons in the fire online. They're not pre-meditated players. And they're not just looking for sex - though they're happy to take the sex offered along the way! Where my male friends are nicer than these two you've slept with, is that they'll come up with some excuse rather than ghosting!

I'm going to piss on your chips a bit now, sorry. I'm interested that you've had a lot of perspectives here, from people who are not after sex with you. Yet you're feeling a lot better after talking to a man on line, who is more likely to be in the "wanting sex" camp than any of us! I hope he's nice, but keep your guard up a bit, hey?

[Cabrinha]

I don't think anyone has yet made this obvious point about why these men don't go on sex sites:

Surely there's an assumption that if you're offering yourself up for sex, you'll actually be good at it? And also you'll be bringing something to the party - doing something for the woman too.

I expect men (and women too) would certainly shy away from that pressure of expectation!

[rumred]

Godimbored makes some good points. I've met people and cooled later, and had it happen to me. We all change our minds at times.

I find the categorising according to gender pretty unhelpful and maybe part of the problem? Men are this. Women are that... I'm gay and believe me there are so many bizarre and dangerous women around it's untrue. I've recently been hussled (sp?) but realised what was happening before any damage was done. This by a woman.

Soooo the point of my post is er i suppose bonkers and unreliable are human not gender traits. And dating is tiresome.

[GodImbored]

Last paragraph there too true rumred.

[Cabrinha]

Seconded for rumred!

[emilybrontescorset]

Some very good points raised on here.

I suppose part of my issue was raised(sorry can't remember who by) before in that I don't know if it's true but maybe certain hormones are released during sex which made me feel some kind of bond.
This maybe complete nonsense, I don't know. I did feel a real connection though.
For me it wasn't just a physical act.
Not like say having a drink with someone and chatting. There's no connection there for me no matter how many times I do that. But the sex and intimacy were different.
It wasn't a quick shag behind the bike sheds either.
With both men it lasted a very long time. They didn't just do the deed and leave.

With the first man it was over three different dates.

The second guy was at night, which I hadn't intended at all and then in the morning.
I know sex can be sex but I felt more let down because of the connection I felt if that makes sense.

The guy I spoke to online said not to feel bad and that in his experience a lot of men do not set out to play a woman.
They enjoy the dates and the sex but afterwards when all the hormones have been released and the need has been met so to speak, lust dies and quite often the overwhelming desire to be with that person fades.

I'm a person who wears their heart on their sleeve so I don't think this helps either.

He also asked me to clarify something about the women he had met, so I do get there are problems on both sides.

[LesisMiserable]

Just don't have sex with him or you'll keep getting the same lesson til you learn it. Btw from what I know, oxytocin (the bonding hormone ) is released during sex in both sexes. It suppresses testosterone though, so men pull away unless there is something to keep them bonded, like a real developed relationship which takes time and doesn't happen just because of sex.

[Justaboy]

LesisMiserable Spot on re the Sex. Whilst that can be a bonding part it's far from being the be all and end all . I had this once with a woman who was somewhere else in the sack but was doing nothing else anywhere that would sustain a relationship. Fond memories but a time ago now.

Its complicated ~ when has it never been so;!