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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally realised my relationship really is EA. What to do next with child in house?

17 replies

PumpkinPieHaircuttedFreak · 15/08/2016 19:37

I have finally had enough.

I have been trying, waiting and hoping that all the supposed insecurity would become less if I just made myself transparent. That the wanting to know where I am all the time, the constant messaging and phone calls, the accusation and questions when I'm showing as online on Whatsapp but not reading and replying immediately. The times I've not answered the phone and had 10x missed calls in the next few minutes. It will never be enough will it? All the reassuring in the world, the stopping talking to certain people, the contact I have with others becoming less and less and more awkward because my "DP" doesn't like and it and it makes them insecure because of their past.

I have stood up for myself, I've told them how unreasonable they are, how it is not normal to want this level of contact. How suffocating it is. How they will never believe me no matter what I say, what I do, how they could watch me 24/7 and still find reasons to believe I'm going to or have done something.

I've stayed out for a night after an argument...just to get away. To breathe, to think. They made all the promises in the world. They cried, they told me how bad their past had been, how they had been shit on, how insecure it made them. I triedto reason, to reassure. To say I am not those people, I'm different. You can't keep me in a box because you think I'll leave too...life isn't like that, that isn't love.

I'm supposed to be moving in with this person in the next few weeks. It means giving up my home, I'm in a bind. I'm not working, applying for jobs but my savings are getting low. I have DC in the house. I can't scream and shout and say all the things I want to say. I can't cause a scene in front of my DC. I'm sitting in DC's room with them now. I want to kick "DP" out now. I can't stand it any longer. But I can't. I could go stay elsewhere for a few weeks til they move out but it's my house. I have a pet here too. I just don't know what to do right now.

Shit.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/08/2016 19:39

Sorry, I don't understand. Are you meant to be moving in with this bloke? If so, why is he there now?

Original poster
PumpkinPieHaircuttedFreak · 15/08/2016 19:43

There has been another argument today, it's just tipped me over the edge. Things were supposedly better. We were on course for moving in together. The house will be finalised in a few weeks. They live here at the moment.

I want to kick him out but I don't want a scene in front of my DC. I just don't know what to do for the best to get through the next few days. I don't want my DC upset.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/08/2016 20:02

He's got to go. Does he have children there, too? Don't feel guilty - you'll go crazy if you stay with him any longer. Tell him he has to stay with a friend or with family.

Original poster
PumpkinPieHaircuttedFreak · 15/08/2016 20:10

He has no children, it's just my DC here. I don't know how to get them out without DC knowing something is wrong. He will cause a scene Sad

OP posts:
Sofabitch · 15/08/2016 20:13

Who are they?

Dozer · 15/08/2016 20:16

Don't move in with them. Is there a friend you could tell who could have the DC for an hour or two in the day so you could kick them out? Any major probs call the police!

It will be easier to seek work without this loser hassling you 24/7.

Original poster
PumpkinPieHaircuttedFreak · 15/08/2016 20:16

They = DP. I apologise if it makes it difficult to understand, was being vague for a reason.

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/08/2016 20:18

Or use a ruse to get them to go to their place to get something, sort something out or whatever. Then (unless you can hide their keys to yours) change locks and call and tell them not to return.

seventhgonickname · 15/08/2016 20:20

Call off the move now,you know it will not work and you have your DC who must be a priority.You don't want to argue in front of DC but that will happen again and again if you stay together.
Time to be brave and tell this person they must go,no argument as this is not working for you and will drag you down.Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
PumpkinPieHaircuttedFreak · 15/08/2016 20:52

Thank you for your replies. I'm biding my time until tomorrow and will see what I can do. I know there is no way I'm moving out. It will never work. I already feel a bit depressed, I can feel it following me around every day. I'm beginning to feel anxious after having to defend myself yet again and 'explain' until I'm blue in the face the reasons I have done something.

He doesn't leave me alone. Ever. It's soul destroying. I thought I was sorted and knew how to have a good relationship. I feel so bad for my DC that they are going to have to go through watever comes next. I will try my best to lessen the impact but ultimately I feel responsible for allowing things to get to this point.

I know the dream I've been sold will become a nightmare. It won't be better once we're in our own place. It will just be the same shit but somewhere else!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2016 20:58

For God's sake don't get steam roller ed into moving in with this person. You say "he" but is it a man ? Makes no difference actually.

You say you don't want your dc upset right now but that will be shortlived compared to ruining the rest of their lives if you entrap yourself with this abuser

Original poster
PumpkinPieHaircuttedFreak · 15/08/2016 21:03

AF - exactly. I think typing it out is what I need to do instead of wondering if I'm being unreasonable in any way to feel like I do. Looking at it in black and white is awful. If I was reading this thread about someone else I'd be screaming run!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2016 21:13

This is real, Pumpkin. It's not a bad dream you will wake up from.

There is not just you to consider. If you sleepwalk into this it will be much harder to escape and your kid will be the ones to suffer in the long term.

Original poster
PumpkinPieHaircuttedFreak · 15/08/2016 21:16

I know. That terrifies me more than anything else.

OP posts:
LewisAndClark · 15/08/2016 21:17

Can you send your kids out for the day, to a friend's or your parents or somewhere?

And then tell him he has to leave. Keep your phone in your hand and if he kicks off at all, phone the police.

I believe you can pre warn the police that you are going to ask an abusive partner to leave and there may be a scene, and they can 'red flag' your address.

Good luck.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2016 21:22

Then put an end to it. I have a horrible feeling your fear of rocking the boat could conclude with you getting swept along into a really vulnerable position.

FreeFromHarm · 15/08/2016 21:24

You must not warn him whatsoever, when he leaves in the morning, call a locksmith, pack his stuff leave outside and block his number. You can call the police if he turns up, it is paramount you say nothing

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