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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please tell me I'm not crazy

23 replies

daisydoosoph · 15/08/2016 13:08

Hi, I'm a long time lurker but I think this is my first post so please go easy on me.
I've been with my husband for 18 years although only married 5, throughout this time he has been emotionally abusive towards me. He is the most angry, bad tempered person I've ever met and often takes this out on me. Please don't ask me why I've stayed so long as I've really no idea.
More recently though he has been turning this anger on to our children and this is something that I can't stand by and watch. For example last week he was jokingly calling our son fat, my son got upset and so in a temper my husband threw a bottle of sun cream at him. I was out of the room at this time or would have stopped it. Afterwards, dh denied this had happened but my other two children witnessed it too. Dh got angrier still, and blamed me for everything even though I was no where near at the time.
Yesterday, my dh football team were winning on tv, he grabbed oldest son and began to make him cheer with him, my ds told him he was hurting and to let go. Dh lost the plot, called him a wanker and mocked him because he's just been dumped by his first girlfriend. God even as I read this I can see how bad it is.
Any way, afterwards he blamed my son for being sulky, blamed me for always blaming him. Took no responsibility at all. He stayed upstairs all night apart from telling my middle son that getting married is the worst mistake ever.
This morning he came down and asked to make friends, I've said its unforgivable and there's no going back. He's in a foul mood, saying I'm exaggerating & making things worse. Again it's all my fault, now I'm getting the silent treatment.
Not sure what I'm looking for posting here but please can someone tell me I'm doing the right thing? At the minute he's banging round waiting for me to apologise

OP posts:

Maidofrohan · 15/08/2016 13:14

You're not crazy, he's bloody awful and should be apologising. I'm
Not surprised you want to finish things, I would do the same thing. All the best x

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2016 13:14

He's waiting for you to apologise?! He'd have a long wait in this house.

It sounds like he's got a screw loose - is this normal behaviour for him? He's very unkind, isn't he?

FaithAscending · 15/08/2016 13:16

You're not crazy. He is vile. Please, please, for all of your sakes start planning how you'll get away from this man. You all deserve so much better.

magoria · 15/08/2016 13:17

He is abusive.

Physically and emotionally to your DC.

Get them away from him before it is too late.

Original poster

daisydoosoph · 15/08/2016 13:17

I'm just so confused, wleverything that he does he then rationalises or blames me for. We've been together since we were 16, I've no idea of what's normal any more

OP posts:

Bedsheets4knickers · 15/08/2016 13:21

Well he's not normal . You need to get away from him . He's sounds mentally unstable . How is he around others out of the house ?? Does he work ?

SeaCabbage · 15/08/2016 13:21

I hope you are going to leave him. In the meantime, if you write down every incident, you will have a clear record of his abusive behaviour. This will hopefully make you less confused and less vulnerable to feeling responsible.

TheNaze73 · 15/08/2016 13:21

He sounds abhorrent. Easier said than done but, kick him into touch

SeaCabbage · 15/08/2016 13:21

PS He is abusing your children so hopefully that is enough to make you take action to leave him.

MadeForThis · 15/08/2016 13:22

Leave. You need to protect your DC. You need to show them that this behaviour isn't right. He is cruel and evil. You and the DC deserve better.

Think of what message it sends to your DC if you stay and accept this behaviour. He is a bully and will destroy your DC.

Diamogs · 15/08/2016 13:23

His behaviour is not normal, it is dangerous. You need to leave. I'm so sorry that you are going through this OP.

NavyandWhite · 15/08/2016 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

daisydoosoph · 15/08/2016 13:26

Thank you everyone for telling me what I think I already knew. This week has been a wake up call, I will protect the kids from him. I will start to make plans. He is very good at convincing me that I'm to blame though.
Outside of the house he works but that is it. No friends at all, he hates everyone apparently. Like he hates our new neighbours because they have a dog, he hates our daughters teacher because she's sometimes late out. I could go on and on ....

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 15/08/2016 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maidofrohan · 15/08/2016 13:50

He's a disgusting excuse of a human being. Defo make plans to LTB. He doesn't deserve you or the children x

mydietstartsmonday · 15/08/2016 13:58

I mean this in the nicest way, you have finally woken up and can now start your new life. You do not need him. Good luck

pasic · 15/08/2016 14:02

You could have another fifty years with this man, or you could be happy.

Your kids will leave as soon as they can. If I was you I would rather they left with me.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2016 14:38

Please do contact Womens Aid when you can.
The number won't show up on any bills - 0808 2000 247
They can help you with a safe exit plan.
Do you own the house together?
Is it rented?
Womens Aid can also help you with a local solicitor who is used to dealing with abusive pricks.
Call them urgently.
You've not known anything more than this.
It's time to get away and find yourself. When talking to Womens Aid have a chat with them about their Freedom Programme.
Do you have real life support around you at all?
Family or friends?
Or has he isolated you?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2016 14:39

Do NOT let him know of your plans.
Abusers step up their abuse when they feel they are losing grip of their 'victims'
Ensure you clear your internet history and do not stay logged onto MN.

SandyY2K · 15/08/2016 19:09

You are far from crazy.

He is the crazy one and you need to protect the children from his abuse. It's awful.

Perhaps this is what you needed (though a horrible way for it to happen) to do the right thing and leave him.

Good luck

MissPronounced · 15/08/2016 19:22

You are not crazy. He's a piece of shit. Your lives will be better without him in them.

ICriedARiver · 15/08/2016 19:23

OP, I'm so sorry. He sounds like a horrible man. He sounds very similar to a friend of mines ex. He would have massive aggressive outbursts and would even shout at their baby. He does have mental problems, but my friend and her dd weren't safe, regardless. She's left him for good this time and is happy with somebody new. She didn't believe she deserved better because he'd chipped away at her confidence for years and years. They'd been together since they were 15.

You know what you need to do, but I understand that when you've been with someone this long and you have dc, it's going to be a very difficult time. It will hurt, but bottom line is, you and your dc are not safe, so he (ideally) needs to leave.

What's your financial situation?

cammyli · 16/08/2016 00:16

You may be able to put up with his temper but you need to get out of there to protect your children, they will look back when they are older and wander why on earth you never else an let their dad jus abuse them. I'm sorry but it's the truth. He sounds like a vile man. It will be hard but you can do it.. For your kids! It is not normal!

Please protect your babies X

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