Being threatened

[Needmorehours]

I split up with my sons father over a year ago. 9 months after the split level I got together with a new man in hindsight this was way too soon.

I decided that I no longer wish to be in any sort of relationship with him there were red flags with an aggressive nature at times and not listening to what I was saying.

He borrowed my computer to do some work and then refused to give it back as I had said I no longer wished to see him. He came to drop it to me and because I wasn't responsive to his advances refused to leave my house it took 2 and a half hours to get him out. Today he wanted to meet up and I said no as my son is away and I want some time alone and like I had said previously I don't want to be with him.

This has not gone down well he spent the whole evening messaging me cryptic messages basically veiled threats. He is insinuating he is going to contact my ex (sons father) and tell him the extent of our relationship that he has been in my house in the evening when my son is asleep. I don't know what else he will say I'm sure he will add in all sorts of vitriol. He knows my exes name and I'm sure his email as well from when he has borrowed my computer in the past.

Now my ex and I had a horrible break up and we are currently getting along for the sake of our son to receive messages from this man would ruin all of that and cause arguments. Plus my ex can also be volatile as well.

I have noticed a pattern in choosing men who aren't very nice and are flattering to me in the beginning then become controlling. I just want some peace in my life I have decided to just focus on being alone and looking after my son as this man entered my life at a period where I was feeling very vulnerable.

I spoke to him and he said he knows it is wrong to do something to me but he doesn't care that I led him on and now I have to pay the price. I just don't want to be in a relationship with him I want to be alone but really don't want extra drama involving my ex and in turn my son.

I don't want to involve the police and honestly don't think there is much they could do but I feel seriously stressed and sick at the thought of the lies he could tell my ex who would believe him in a heartbeat.

I feel like I jumped from the frying pan to the fire. My ex was a nightmare but there is something about this man that genuinely makes my blood run cold. I thought he was lovely he said all the right things and as we had friends in common had been in a situation where my son was around.

When I started seeing red flags I started to cool things down. Like him wanting every child free night I had to be with him getting upset when I wouldn't call. I'm so glad he's away from me but scared of what he is capable of.

He also uses things I have told him against me. Said everything my ex ever did was probably my fault because all I care about is myself.

Anytime I complained about his behaviour told me I put up with worse from my ex so what is my problem. He is emotionally abusive I'm only just really seeing it now

I just hate the threats and don't want drama. But I'm scared to block him or change my number in case that makes him angrier.

Hi
Just read all this and didn't want to pass on by and not acknowledge it. There won't be many people around at this hour but I'm on holiday in a different timezone so am still awake.

It's a great credit to you that you can recognise the signs of an abusive personality, after what you've been through. I bet you're stronger than you think. You're absolutely right to want some time alone now. You've started the ball rolling in getting shot of this loser, so don't lose heart. If he tells your ex stuff and then ex kicks off again, so be it. Don't let that stop you following your gut. You've come back from a difficult situation with ex to something more cordial and you will again. Just tell him calmly and assertively that this new guy is trying to cause trouble and that you've done nothing wrong.

And remember that neither of them are the boss of you. You're an adult, and answerable to no one.

Stay strong.

What a nightmare. You poor thing.

I don't have much advice I'm afraid. It may be that you take away his one piece of power by letting him do his worst and tell these lies to your ex. If he doesn't do it now he will do it in the future so don't for a minute let him control you.

As for your ex, he also needs not to control you. Only you can know how he will react. Could you prompt him that he might receive something from a bitter man who you are trying to keep at bay? It would at least allow you to take back some of the control in the situation.

After it's all blown over, it sounds like you have recognised some patterns in relationships that need work.

Best of luck op and remember this too shall pass.

Tell these men that the new law on coercive control is designed to stop exactly that type of mental and emotional abuse. The police take complaints like yours very seriously indeed. Tell them that unless they cease and desist with their threats, you will be filing a formal complaint with the authorities. And do just that.
Its good that you've recognised that you have a tendency to go for this 'type' and to begin to analyse just why it is that you do. Be strong, be assertive and don't take any crap from anyone.

I would contact woman's aid for advice plus I would tell him I no longer want contact from him if he persists after that you can call the police

I would be wary of what he might have done with your computer while he had it too- had you logged out of everything?

I think you should go to the police and Women's Aid too - and do the Freedom Programme also

I would also not use the computer - goodness only knows what he has done with it

Take the power away from him. Talk to Women's Aid and /or the police. Get your computer checked for spyware, key loggers etc. On another device change all of your passwords. I'd get a new email address and block him on that and your phone etc.