Oh god! Why do I feel about 8 when my stepmother comes to visit?

[aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone]

Hi MNers
Hope everyone is having a good weekend...
Mine has been ok but had to spend most of yesterday with boiling blood & bitten tongue. Now, only NOW am I wishing I'd stop feeling like a kid when my stepmother is in town.
She won't allow my dad to visit me & my DD alone - she has to go everywhere with him. There was a big 'thing' last year when I wanted to spend time with my dad alone. She allowed him to visit for the day but texted him constantly.
She is rude, patronising & recently spectacularly racist. She interrupts with her ridiculous views & opinions on stuff, she doesn't shut up & makes comments like (at my local market which is great) 'oh look at these nice people trying to make a living' (loudly)
She is scarily co-dependant on my dad. He does all the driving/cooking/cleaning. He had lots of friends when they got together 20 yrs ago. Now he has none. She has no kids & constantly 'offers advice' on how to bring up my daughter. She is rude about everyone (including me probably) she retired from a high powered job (law related) a decade ago & I think she regrets retiring as she kind of lives her life through my dad who is successful in what he does & still dabbles.
She is basically rude & unpleasant & I rarely challenge her because A) I can't be arsed & B) I reckon she could stop my dad from seeing us as he seems to do whatever she asks.
The annoying thing is, my DD thinks she's the bees knees.
I need to challenge her, don't I? Spent yesterday like this & craving this

No disrespect but is your dad a man or a mouse? My dad last saw me and my kids when I only had 4. Stepmother didn't allow him to be a grandad apparently! I now have 11 and he has missed out on so much - he could have been a part of if he had manned up! Your dad needs to sort things out so he can have a life!! And u can have a dad and your kids can have a grandad!! She sounds like a total fruit loop!!

Your dad's behaviour is also a problem here, its not just this woman at fault.

It sounds like your dad is a weak man who has put this woman first in his life and probably idolises her as well to boot. He gets what he wants out of this relationship. He is really her hatchet man and therefore cannot be at all relied upon. Self preservation to him as well as want of a quiet life are also his game. He has failed you also as a father by failing to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour.

When your dad did visit you alone last year did he respond readily to her constant texts or did he complain about them to you?.

You also need to start asserting your own self as a person and challenge him as well. Raise your own too low boundaries a lot higher, for instance you would not tolerate any of this from a friend. Family are no different.

On a much wider level do you want these people at all around your child, your child may think her step grandmother is the bees knees but she is too young to realise otherwise. This woman is rude and unpleasant; what messages does that send your child if you tolerate this from her and not challenge it?.

Hi MissGraeme & Atilla
My dad has become quieter over the last few years... I totally agree that he wants a quiet life & also that he isn't stepping up by challenging her.
He's come to see us twice on his own & both times hinted that he's unhappy & the texts frustrated him.
But also both times he came alone, she kicked off and 'couldn't understand why we wanted to be on our own'

I 'took a break' from them last summer when they were being very unsupportive & I was struggling with a particular situation. I stopped speaking to them & then said I wanted time with my dad alone. Things got better but now are back to the way they were before.

Erm.. we wouldn't say a woman who is controlled by a man is 'weak' or 'a mouse'.

Sounds like he's in a controlling relationship op. Not much you can do about that except find some techniques to survive her horridness.

What a pain she sounds. You can't change her, they come as a package, sadly