controlling mother in law. what to do.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

Despite my dh having a brother. My Mil treats my dh like he is the only child. She even moved when we had to relocate because she didn't like the thought of not controlling us.
Most of the time I let it go over my head. However recently she came on a shopping trip with me and started to tell me not to spend anymore money on clothes. This really pissed me off and I told her I was going to buy what I liked with my money and it was not her business to control my finance.

They are very helpful regarding child care but today in church she was really angry because we sat away from them. After the service she came straight up to us and doesn't give us a chance to talk with people or make our own friends. What shocked me today though is as well as her angry manner she got in my dh's face whilst he was sitting down still having some time of reflection getting in his face and having a go at him because we haven't been in touch regarding her having our daughter next week.
I said I had said to my dh to phone her and can't she see he is still reflecting on the service and to speak to him later. She then got angry with me saying that we never spend time with them or contact them but that's not true at all. She is starting to notice I've backed off after being told what to do and doesn't like not being in control. How can I deal with this. I've tried so hard over the years to bite my tongue but it's come to a point now I do feel like telling them to piss off and let us lead our own lives. 😣

My DM is a nightmare. I restrict contact. I certainly wouldn't allow my DC in her company unsupervised. If my DH was effectively forcing me and the children into contact I would be furious.

You describe your DH as selfish because he doesn't contact her to arrange regular visits etc. No, that's self preservation. She is abusive, it rubbed off on him. You know that. Let him stay away from her.

Don't tell him he is selfish for restricting his contact with someone who abuses him. Is that maybe a bit of projection there from you? You've stayed with him even though he has been abusive to you therefore you think he should stay with her even though she has been abusive to him? Also, when your DD says she doesn't want to spend time alone with her abusive grandmother, listen! Don't send her there!

You seem to have trouble saying "No, I will not allow you to do this" to abusers. He can separate himself from her (just like you could separate from him if necessary). You can choose not to serve up your child to an abusive person just so you, the adult, can avoid being on the receiving end of a strop.

It is you that's being selfish OP. You are sacrificing them to protect yourself from MIL having a tantrum at you. Human shields. Stop doing that. That said, DH should be stopping you from letting DD anywhere near her, and telling you straight not to arrange stuff with her.

Your dh is getting help, does this include counselling.
I wouldn't be surprised if he was working through the issues of his abusive mum.
He may be distancing himself for self preservation and I think you should support him by doing the same.
Somebody only takes control if you allow it and over the years it sounds like she has ground you both down.
I agree you need to put in firm boundaries and definitely don't tell her anything personal at all.
Otherwise she'll be choosing your dd school, asking for reports and be granny at the gates.
Nip it in the bud now, take back control for you.

Your DD is telling you herself that she doesn't enjoy this contact with her grandmother and finds her bossy .

For bossy you could read intimidating and scary. From now on you should just about always have other plans for days when she tries to demand that she has your DD.

This woman has no idea of boundaries, so it will be you who has to enforce them.

Let your DH take the lead regarding how, when or even whether to make any contact with her. Just don't do any of it.

As for shopping trips with you, don't invite her or even tell her you are going. Just go on your own. She doesn't even need to know and you will enjoy it far better without her.

With regard to the book, I would have been very angry too. I would be another tempted to gift it back to her, neatly wrapped for a birthday or Christmas present.

Here's a book for your MIL

Thanks all for your comments 😆
His dad is fine. However he doesn't get a word in and she organises everything from finance to holidays to Christmas.

Yes. Maybe there are things dh hasn't told me. He is having some one to one with leadership. Refuses counselling but this is a good start and I've seen so much change in him.
Yes I still have the book and tempted to say oh I've been tidying up found this and think it's time you read it now.
I'm definitely going to let him deal with her from now on. She has had her chances with me now. And I'm not falling for it anymore.

Three words: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. And enforce them. Don't take any . If boundaries not working or are trampled on (they will be!), make them tighter.

Sounds like you have made the right decision letting your DH deal with this and to be as uninvolved as possible.

I have never had MIL problems, but have heard they can be a real nightmare and effect marriages, grandchildren, everybody.

Or A copy of Toxic Inlaws with relevant bits highlighted and sticky tags?
No, that would be throwing fat into the fire.

Cheering you both on the from the sidelines

I wonder if your DH is golden child and his brother the scapegoat - really unhealthy and weird set up from what little you have said.

Thanks random - it is sad

Thanks I find it so odd. Both brothers have done well with careers etc and so I don't know why she is so smothering of my dh
I think because of my health i feel she doesn't trust me with her son. When we first got together she told him he would never get my life time affections. And whenever there is an issue if I'm admitted to a and e she dismisses it and often makes me feel like I'm attention seeking where in fact I have to be checked out. I always think better safe then sorry

Is it possible your BIL is just better and blocking her/standing up to her whereas she feels there is more possibility to muscle on DH and your DC with some belief that she will be there to step in if something happens to you?

She clearly has issues!

Yes that's what I wondered. My sil is quite strict and very organised and so there is no way that mother in law gets a word in when they go to visit about what they do. She treats her totally differently.

It's weird too. She treats me like she does but every time I have hair cut she copies it. Her behaviour is just weird.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that is just freaky.