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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

long-distance relationship

44 replies

NImom · 14/08/2016 13:05

Hi I've been in a long distance relationship for four years now. DP lives in Scotland and I'm in London. We love each other very much but can't live together. One reason is because my ex DH pays the rent on the house i live in with out two DS's. Secondly DP is unemployed and cant afford a deposit for a flat in London or somewhere within an hour or so of a train journey.

We see each other every three weeks for about four days, and really enjoy our time together. The problem is that I feel really sick when he has gone back home, i feel unwell for about two days, so much so that I feel like calling the mental health crisis team out. And i have done before now.

When he goes back home and I feel ill - all my problems seem to hit me head on. Problems like financial insecurity especially. I dont know what i want from mumsnetters but tbh each time he leaves i say, that's it it has to end, i can't cope with this , what the F is this all about etc to myself.

Any ideas, something has to change but i dont know what.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 14/08/2016 22:53

Firstly, why is your ex H paying your rent? If you are divorced, you should have a financial arrangement which means that you are no longer finanancially dependent upon him apart from child maintenance. This might mean he has to give you a one off lump sum rather than paying your rent. He's your ex now, he has no right to dictate or even know how you live your life.

Secondly, I absolutely do not believe that your boyfriend cannot find work even if that is minimum wage or zero hours. Agreed, it's unlikely to be enough to rent in London, but he could at least be making a contribution to your relationship. What sort of man allows his girlfriend to pay for his train fare to see her and then all the expenses of their dates? A cocklodger, that's who.

Original poster

NImom · 14/08/2016 23:10

Hi StirrednotShaken, is it worth it? I think we might be in these relationships to avoid a full blown proper relationship. I also like my independence as i was in a very controlling marriage too. Yes i love his outlook and his worldview and his mind etc. Do you feel pain when you leave each other. Do you think youre selling yourself short? Or do you think you'd rather cope with this than a proper relatoinship?

HeddaGarbled, Im not divorced, no legal aid these days to look into his accounts. Im just glad husband is paying rent here in London for my DS's stability in schools and general stabillity too.

He'll never earn enough to move into London now. He does make a contribution, his emotional support and his personality traits that i love in him. DO you think he'd come all the way from Scotland to be a cocklodger , he could find a womancloser to home surely.

OP posts:

Grannypants1 · 14/08/2016 23:12

Most certainly a man will take free trips to cocklodge on tour.

Grannypants1 · 14/08/2016 23:14

That wasn't me saying he is in this case, just that it definitely happens

HandyWoman · 14/08/2016 23:16

Re finding a woman closer to home,
If you don't work and someone pays your train fare it's hardly a big inconvenience, the getting on a train thing, I don't think.

Original poster

NImom · 14/08/2016 23:20

Thanks Grannypants1, I see him everyday on SKype so I dont think he goes elsewhere, and he is very honest with me. He's been married three times and all the marriages ended due to the wives being unfaithful, and the last one was more of a drinking partner, he says (yes he used to have a drink problem) . My one looks awful on paper.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/08/2016 23:20

He might have a woman in Scotland too?

Sorry to be so sceptical, but surely if he wanted a real relationship, he'd be pushing to move this forwards? Shouldn't he be looking into getting a job and somewhere to live in London just to see you more frequently?

You would feel better if you could establish your own independence. Do you really need legal aid to get divorced? If your ex is paying your rent, that suggests he's not a total cock. Don't you trust him to do a completely honest financial disclosure?

You sound like you lean on your family, ex, this BF... Ideally, you'd be working to establish your OWN life. Do you have a job?

Original poster

NImom · 14/08/2016 23:23

HandyWoman, he gets on a coach that takes ten hours to get here. He pays his own fare here, and i usually pay the return fare. He might be a cocklodger , just lazy and the coach trip doesnt bother him...Im just thinking out loud now...thank you

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/08/2016 23:25

Your ex could easily (and perhaps justifiably) stop paying your rent when your youngest DC turns 18. That gives you just four years to get yourself standing on your own two feet. What's your plan for that?

I think you feel shaken when your BF goes home to Scotland because it is the time when you are forced to look at your own life again. He us a distraction. When he goes home, you have 24/48 hours of nothingness before you can start planning his next distracting visit.

Ideally, you'd be happy when he went home because you'd be free again to pursue your own career/plans/friendships/hobbies. Do you have any of that?

Independence is a WONDERFUL feeling. You can make your own decisions, unshackled by anyone else. You can spend your own money exactly how you want to spend it.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/08/2016 23:26

A man will travel for hours if there's a guaranteed stag at the end.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/08/2016 23:26

*shag! Not stag. Even though he's Scottish, I doubt his love of deer goes that deep. :)

RedRainRocks · 14/08/2016 23:28

I think that's your answer. You're still married? If I was to practice some speculative pop psychology.. I'd say you are in this relationship because it suits your purpose right now, the same reason as not divorcing your husband.

You deserve someone to love you. To be there with you, to have dinner with and watch crap TV and eat Doritos with. Someone to snuggle with at the end of a long and tiring day - we all do. You are allowed to be happy. You do not have to settle.

If he wanted to be with you more full time, he would be. If you wanted a more full time relationship, you would ask for one and if it wasn't available you would part ways and find someone who was available and interested in an invested and close relationship.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/08/2016 23:28

Divorced 3 times. Alcoholic. Unemployed. I think you could do better!

breezybeach · 14/08/2016 23:33

Hi op

Just adding my 2 cents here as your post truly hits a chord
This is a tough one I know
4 years is a lot to let go of
And I do feel it gets harder as we get older and children are involved .

I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 half years
We planned for me to relocate to him with Ds ( I have sole custody ) but I really cannot bear to live where he does ( remote northern village .. I just couldn't live happily there or do my job I love ) because his DC are there with shared care with an ex wife who has done all she can to derail us ( just old fashioned vindictive it seems ) . He won't move here because of DC and he is travels continually for work so he feels torn between north and south on his days off .

All the children get on very well and we have had lovely holidays together . We have fun together and he is the man I want to be with

But I get very very lonely in the long long absences ( my family are not here and I am a misfit socially amongst all my couples up freinds ) ... Watching tv alone at night and waking up in an empty bed is lovely For a few nights but not days and weeks on end .

I have tried .. Ending the relationship ( hurt ) , dating others ( they just were not him and I didn't meet anybody I wanted to kiss ) drinking ( self destructive ) , throwing tantrums in frustration ( rather off putting for him after an abusive ex wife )

I have now settled for acceptance and not having it all

The balance between love and circumstances is difficult I know only too well

I don't have any advice or wisdom to add unfortunately
Merely empathy and flowers 🌸🌹

Original poster

NImom · 14/08/2016 23:33

WhatsGoingOnEh - my heart skipped a beat when you said he might have another woman in Scotland! I dont think so though. It's just that, as i keep saying...I see him everyday on Skype.

I dont think he wants to move the relationship forward you know, ive asked him to get a job in London, in my DB's company , he nearly had a fit when i was prompting him to text DB for work. . He did text my brother but DB never did text him back about work.

Youre right I do lean on everybody in my own mind at least...and ex husband definitely would not do a full disclosure - he is a very dishonest man.

I work part time from home. I want to establish my own life but I am so dependent on ex for money while living here in London and renting from private landlord.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 14/08/2016 23:34

You don't need legal aid to get divorced. Did you own a house when you were married? You own half of that. Does your ex have a pension? You may be entitled to half of that. Plus maintenance for the 14 year old. I think he may have been fobbing you off with the paying the rent thing, making you feel grateful when actually he's keeping you under the thumb.

StirredNotShaken · 14/08/2016 23:37

I reallyl don't think that this man is travelling all this way for a shag?! I know there are skeptics on here who are suggesting that but, being in a long distance relationship myself, I can safely say that there are feelings involved and that you can really tell if someone is playing around! So OP, if i were you, I would dismiss the posters saying that he is a cocklodger (though I think that turn of phrase is hilarious and I shall defo be using it myself!)
AS for us being in LTR so as to avoid the full on responsibility of a relationship closer to home, I think you are spot on. It sends absolute chills down my spine when i contemplate a full time, 24/7 live in scenario. I could not abide it. I cannot imagine me ever sharing my home with another man. However, I do not feel any sort of grief or upset when he leaves. I am more than happy to wave goodbye for another 2-4 weeks. Mind you, my youngest child is only 9 so my responsibilities are greater until he is a bit older (dd is 18 so not so much of a concern). Sometimes, if the gaps in our meets up are too long then I don't even want to see him again! That is when I get bored and distracted. but I absolutely know, that he is right for me right now, so I try to chill and settle into it...whatever 'it' is! it is not forever but it is good for now.

HeddaGarbled · 14/08/2016 23:42

Oh god, and three previous marriages which all broke down because, he says, the ex wives were unfaithful. Do you really believe that? Not perhaps, three women who got taken in and finally woke up? I don't doubt he's plausible - he wouldn't have persuaded 3 women to marry him otherwise.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/08/2016 23:43

Well, a part-time job is a good start but why not go full time? I'd make that my first goal, yo get a full-time job, ideally outside the home. (So you meet new people, make new friends, build your own life, etc.)

I work part-time from home in one of my 2 jobs and it's so lonely!

There's a saying: "Those who have little, love much; those that have much, love little." You'd feel less dependent on this divorced, ex-alky, job-shy man if you filled up your own lovely life with work, dreams, goals, plans. Please start there.

And YES YES to your ex keeping you under the thumb with the rent.

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