Hi all, this is my first post. I just don't know what to do anymore.
My partner of almost four years us making me feel like dirt all the time. He is a vey odd guy, he has a huge ego and desire for everyone to bow down to him.
He decides my emotions and then treats me in accordance with how he perceives I am feeling. For example, he will decide I am in a mood over something, or "niggled", and then punishes me for days by being snappy, standoffish, name calling, distant and listing all my faults. If I tell him he's got it wrong, and I fact I was perfectly happy, he says I am lying or that I am "checking" myself so I don't look bad. He insists on listing every possible fault with me and telling me I should be grateful to be with someone like him. He says my family hate me and I have been over indulged. To add perspective, my family never overindulge anyone. I am entirely independent and my family say it as it is, there is no nonesense or mollycoddling. You have to behave or get told you're doing something wrong. I confided in my sister about the over indulged comment and she laughed it loud and said that couldn't be further from the truth.
It feels like he is smashing my confidence bit by bit.
He upped and left after a row in March this year. The background being that for the previous 12-18 months I had a serious illness requiring 7 operations. He said I was ill for "attention" and called me "sick note" all the time. After the last operation in December (2 weeks before Christmas, which he invited his family round for so I had to cook Christmas dinner for him, mother, brother and sister in law and her family! After I had major surgery on my kidneys) I caught him using an online interactive porn site. The site was with local girls and he paid for the services. He initially lied to my face and said he hadn't used it and made our like I was deranged. Then he said it was an old account from prior to our relationship. I knew this wasn't true as I had actually set up the email account he was registered with. He then said he'd been waiting for too long for sex (5 days since we had last dtd).
So to come full circle, my confidence was destroyed. He, his friends and family crow about his ex fiancé from several years ago and I felt like shit about everything. He started raking up old "incidents", in particular that I didn't go to his sister in laws hen do. Firstly, I was in surgery on the day of the hen do, and secondly on her second hen do, I wasn't invited. For 7 months he had called me an embarrassment and horrible person for not going on the second one. He said his mum and sister in law had repeatedly asked where I was. To put further perspective on this, his mum and sister in law had told me the do was just for the bride to be and mothers. I was categorically not invited, so I know he was lying to me, seemingly to just make me feel shit.
We ended up in a row about the whole thing and he said my lack of confidence annoys him. He finds it irritating that I don't think I am pretty or confident...unlike his ex fiancé and girlfriends.
He told me I would be an appalling mother and wife and he couldn't think of anything he'd rather do less with me. I will also say I am one of 5 siblings and have 10 nephews and nieces. I adore them and look after them regularly and they love spending time with me. I of all the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bills etc. He literally sits on his backside watching tv and that's it.
He left during the day whilst I was at work. Just moved out. He eventually came back after 4 weeks on the condition that I go to counselling because he thinks I am damaged and I need lots of work. He said he has been trying to fix me for years. He has isolated me from friends and family and expects me to run around after his family and only socialise with his friends.
When he came back, if ever there is a cross word, he says I need to go to counselling more. He says I begged him to come back and should be grateful he's here... I feel shit.
He later said he didn't mean his comments about me being a mother. Said we could try in a year or so for a baby and he wouldn't rule out marriage. He then said he never wants that with me...We went on holiday a month ago and he did the whole determining my mood And then punishing me for it. Eventually I asked what I had done wrong. He said I was expecting a proposal! WTF, I told him he had made it categorically clear he would never do that, or that he would ever want a baby. He then got defensive saying "how do you know I don't propose?". I referred him to his thoughts about me and he dismissed them as me being a "victim" and childish.... Then daily he started saying "if we have a child..." I eventually had to question this and he said he'd never rule out having a child, just never with me.... I mean, as far as I can tell that means, watch your back you're replaceable and will do for now.
We have now booked his dream holiday which has out a fortune, (and means my choice if holiday cannot happen) as soon as it was booked he reverted to Arsy, nasty comments and digs at me. It's too late to cancel the holiday.
His brother had a child yesterday, and ever since my partner has been over the moon about it, but has been treating me with absolute disdain and disgust. He is obnoxious, called me a cun and a fucing bitch. He said that's because I was a prick because I asked him to check with his brother when hospital visiting times were... I cannot win. I don't know what do do. I poured my entire savings into our house and treats for him to keep him sweet (spa last weekend, after which he then treated me like crAp, silent treatment etc...).
Sorry for the rambling message. I don't know what to do.