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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just found out that husband was a really bad school bully, would it put you off?

53 replies

fdeborah990 · 13/08/2016 22:18

hi, i am incredibly upset. some people may think its silly as it was so long ago but it has really affected me, the news i mean, as i was badly bullied at school and i developed depression so i really do know the affects.

tonight we met up with a few of my husbands old school friends they had recently seen each other at a school meet up for people who went to their school during certain years. so he wanted to catch up again it was nice and we had a few laughs about things that i never knew as they were too embarrassing, it was funny... until someone he knew made a joke about some girl and they referred to her with a horrible nickname (she wasnt there by the way) and i was a bit like oh thats mean and his friend when on to say 'oh thats nothing, he did this this this and this' ranging from disrespectful comments to full on grabbing girls hair, it wasnt as if he sat there saying how sorry he was he was there trying to hold back the laughter, which is what i thought was really sad as i just thought oh my gosh what a horrible smart arse teen you were but its the way he still found it funny that i thought was sickening.

i know its stupid so please dont be too harsh... we have been married 10 years! no problems either which is why i might come across as silly but it has really bothered me and im struggling to see him the way i did before. im genuinely really upset by this.

OP posts:

AskBasil · 14/08/2016 00:34

What's this "he'll be vile because he likes you" thing that's going on?

Like "he hit you because he loves you"? Is that how it works? FFS.

I don't blame you being upset by this, it is an indication that he's not a decent person and we all want to live with decent people. He sounds like a twat. It's one thing to have behaved badly at school. It's quite another thing to have no remorse or insight into your behaviour years later when you're a grown-ass ad-ult who should be able to look back and know what you did was wrong.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 14/08/2016 00:43

I am friends as an adult with a man who bullied me as a child.

The difference is, he's sorry.

And very embarrassed.

ladybird69 · 14/08/2016 00:50

My narcopath ex was a school bully, he beat up 'friends' in our teens, he enjoyed confrontations with other business partners where they were advised to 'disappear' Friends hid it from me! He beat me and our children and was an evil controlling monster, I hid it from the world. now I am all alone, childless and penniless. The children are on his side as he can afford to buy them, and the kids needed beating to be kept in line!!!! So they say!!!
If I could go back to where he joked at being the school bully I would have run like Hell.

Bogeyface · 14/08/2016 01:20

We were all dicks when we were kids

You quoted me there, and I meant that when you are a child you do things to fit in, to be popular etc, without fully understanding how our actions can hurt others. I was not a bully, I was a victim of a bully so I am not making excuses for bullies. I just mean that sometimes kids do things that they dont realise the impact of until many years later. If he realises how he hurt that woman and regretted it then I would have been more forgiving. But he doesnt.

KERALA1 · 14/08/2016 03:24

Most of us were not bullies. The sort of person that enjoys inflicting misery and pain on others - for a laugh? Definitely a minority can't be dismissed as "we were all like that" most weren't. Sympathy op difficult situation..

ravenmum · 14/08/2016 05:56

That would upset me too. I don't think the time is important. This has revealed a difference in attitude towards bullying that you still have today. Until now he has been sympathetic about your depression, but now he's shown he still finds bullying funny you must be wondering if he really understands your deepest feelings at all.

You've told him about the bullying you suffered and how it affected you, but has that been in detail? I was a painfully shy young adult (would be called a social phobia today) and though I have talked about it, I haven't gone into much detail as I don't want to be seen as "weak" today. As a result, even those closest to me don't know how deeply it affected my life at the time. I wonder if you have revealed all to your husband or have also kept some of it to yourself, in which case he might have something of an excuse for not "getting it"?

Have you already been through therapy? Even if you have, it might be worth going there again. You can tell a counsellor things that you wouldn't want to bore others with.

The fear and pain of bullying can mean that you don't want to think about it too deeply. As a result, even someone who's all too familiar with it might still see it in quite black and white terms, with the stupid, ugly, weak victim and the nasty, evil perpetrator. But just as the whole "weak victim" thing is ridiculously oversimplified, so is the idea that the bully just does it because she is horrible.

I would hazard a guess that your husband was laughing about the stories as he's had no reason to question quite how funny they are since childhood, and has never wondered what his bullying says about him. What weakness at home might have led him to crave power in school, that type of thing. It's a shame for you that he has not been more reflective or considerate. Do you think you might be able to make him think now?

3weeksthankgod · 14/08/2016 06:58

I can understand you are upset and I think he and his friends sound like knobs. However you have been married 10 years and have never seen a side of him you don't like??? You must know him after all this time.

OnionKnight · 14/08/2016 07:14

I was bullied in school because of my disability, one bully was expelled because of it. Your DH is a knob and it'd put me right off him.

AristotlesTrousers · 14/08/2016 07:48

My first thought on reading the OP was that I hope your husband wasn't laughing about me (I was badly bullied at high school), even though the odds would be fairly long. Sorry you've discovered this about your DH, OP. You sound lovely, and I hope you find a way past this. You are clearly a decent person. Your husband on the other hand is quite frankly somewhat of a twat.

Olddear · 14/08/2016 08:02

I can understand how you feel. My lovely, sweet, kind friend was very badly bullied at school (I knew her only as an adult) and even into adulthood she was terrified if she saw her tormentor in the street. It has affected her entire life, she sits with her head down, very low self esteem, takes her a very long time to trust anybody.....
And your DH still finds it funny.....

Aussiebean · 14/08/2016 08:09

I wouldn't be telling your daughters that it's ok for a boy to hit you because it means he likes you.

In Australia they have don't some research into dv and they identified that as one of the (many) reasons woman accept being hit by men is Because their parents told them that men only hit you when they love you.

Don't have much to say op. It would have changed my opinion of dh as well.

CodyKing · 14/08/2016 08:11

Bullies treat their victims as a Non person - their thoughts a feelings don't matter - by laughing at this he's still not got it has he? He has no idea of the impact he had on his victim - whether she's done well or it ended badly - he hasn't given a thought - either way he changed that persons life - bullying hits the very core of your soul -

You need to speak to him if you haven't already and see what he says? Could he look this girl up and apologise?

Olddear · 14/08/2016 08:34

You know, however this girls life has turned out, I'd rather be her friend......

FinallyHere · 14/08/2016 08:39

I would tend to discount, to some extent, things he said while back in that friendship group. I would find a time to have a proper chat about it, just the two of you when you are not likely to get interrupted. Not accusing but asking him how he feels about it now and then keep quiet to let him talk. It may well take some time for him to get going and talk about it from an adults point of view.

PP's question 'how would you feel if someone did that to your daughter?' Is a good one to get him to reflect from his current perspective. You may need to open up the conversation on a couple of occasions before you get to really hear what he now thinks.

Most probably, when he reflects you will find yourselves in accord. Its not exactly complicated, is it?

The thing is, both DH and I have found ourselves coming out with opinions unchallenged since childhood, that, once open to an adults perspective, are untenable. If either of us jump on that opinion, it gets entrenched and the whole thing ends up as a horrid misunderstanding. When we give each other a bit of space to reflect, we so far have found ourselves agreeing. Then its easy to do whatever needs to be done about it. Good luck. I certainly wouldn't want to just leave the knowledge to fester.

rumred · 14/08/2016 08:52

How well do you know him? I'm pretty much the same values wise as I was as a teenager. I'd be wary of anyone who's behaved in such a vile way at any time

Original poster

fdeborah990 · 14/08/2016 11:29

sorry i fell asleep after my bath. thanks all.

he claims that "he has too much to worry about that some things he did when he was a teen"

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 14/08/2016 11:37

corythatwas · 14/08/2016 11:44

He is not improving his case, is he? Basically, what I would like to see in a man I was committing my life's happiness to is not so much a blameless childhood as an adult's understanding of why some behaviours are wrong and an adult's courage in facing up to the less admirable features of his own past behaviour.

feckthemall · 14/08/2016 11:52

I think he's deliberately minimising his behaviour because he can't face up to the reality of his actions.

Cocoabutton · 14/08/2016 11:57

Agree, Cory.

Fdeb your husband is not only deflecting your concerns, there is indeed a rather nasty undertone of 'how silly to worry about such things'. Not good.

Cocoabutton · 14/08/2016 11:59

He can face up to the reality of his actions, he is making a choice not to. It is a cowardly response. Like bullying to be in the cool gang.

AskBasil · 14/08/2016 12:15

You're not asking him to worry about his behaviour as a teenager are you?

You're asking him to reflect on it and you want to know what sort of person he is.

He's showing you.

ravenmum · 14/08/2016 12:25

It's not about his behaviour in the past, it's about his attitude towards bullying now, as an adult. And about how seriously he takes your feelings today. How he acts when talking about bullying with you around, today. He needs to show you that he is not a bully today.

AristotlesTrousers · 14/08/2016 12:30

he claims that "he has too much to worry about that some things he did when he was a teen"

But he did more than just 'not worry' about it when he was with his mates, didn't he? He actively ridiculed her. So basically, he either doesn't care, or he feels so ashamed he doesn't know how to respond so he's just pretending it wasn't important.

Either way, I am always astonished how some people manage to show such a lack of regard for another human being. What he did could have affected that girl's whole future life. If it were me, I'd prefer to take responsibility for that. I'd have to apologise. I couldn't live with my conscience if I didn't. And I couldn't live with somebody who showed no remorse for this kind of behaviour, let alone revelling in it.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 14/08/2016 12:32

I don't think your reaction is disproportionate.

It sounds like he has buried his guilt - I wonder if it is a coincidence he has ended up with you, who was bullied - almost like he is trying to right his wrongs, but using a different person. Is he generally not very self aware?

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