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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just know love is not for me

23 replies

Dollypoppy · 13/08/2016 20:36

I'm never going to be 'in love'. Split up with ExH 6 years ago and had a few relationships that didn't go anywhere.

Now 6 months into a 'relationship' with someone who cares, makes me laugh and it's so nice and easy but he doesn't love me and never will. The love of his life was his ExW. I don't love him either but I enjoy his company, sex is amazing and he would never hurt me.

I want to be part of a couple, a team, so much. Facebook this evening is full of my friends, all declaring how in love they are.

And I just know I will never experience that. So tempted to try to get back with the ExH just to know I'm not going to be alone forever. We get on really well, but there's no love there, just friendship.

I constantly look at women's hands to see if they are wearing a ring and the envy I feel is almost palpable.

Plus my DS and DD have all but left home now.I am so lonely, it hurts.

I don't expect any answers, just wanted to type it down somewhere.

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 13/08/2016 20:41

You may find a good man but you may not. Lots of Women are single for their entire lives or for the majority. That's life. You need hobbies, activities and a routine and then you might meet a man. People always say on thee threads you WILL meet someone but that might never happen. If you are feeling extra alone it is a sign your life is crooked. This man you are with is not good for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2016 20:45

Why are you together at all if you do not love each other?. By being with this person at all, you are actively preventing yourself from meeting someone else. Why do that to yourself?. You're not being honest with each other, and you're using each other to your own ends.

You do not know for certain that you will never experience love again; you simply cannot assume that. Where did that damaging mindset come from, you think you deserve to spend the rest of your days with this individual?. You think you are not worthy of a mutually loving relationship. What is certain though is that you will not have what you so want from the person you are currently with.

I would totally reassess your whole approach when it comes to relationships through counselling. Would also suggest you stop looking at FB as well; its not helping you either.

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 13/08/2016 20:55

I know, I think I will stop FB, it's not good to keep reading things that upset me.

I'm with this man because we get on well. We've both been lonely, now we have someone to go out with. We text, we talk, we laugh, we share intetests - we do lots together but there's just no depth there, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 13/08/2016 20:59

You don't want to stay with your boyfriend as it will never be love but you're considering getting back with your ex where it is also not love .

HandyWoman · 13/08/2016 21:05

If you do nothing else, step away from BookFace. It's total bollox.

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 13/08/2016 21:11

I can see that doesn't make sense, it's because I have accepted love isn't something I will feel I might as well be with someone I share memories with. He's lonely too. I guess my expectations are low now, so I won't be disappointed.

I wish I could stay away from FB, it's like picking a scab.

OP posts:

ClaireVoyante · 13/08/2016 21:19

Well, I spent my life with an Ex who loved himself. He was always going to come to first in his life. It took me all of my adult years to see this. :(

Now I know I don't need a man, I only need enough money to pay for the services a man in my life would provide, that makes me happy... I need to be able to pay for the things that I can't do for myself. Sadly, in life it is hard to even gain equal pay... shit isn't it! shit! But I will go down fighting.

RandomMess · 13/08/2016 21:27

TBH the ones I have truly "loved" were the ones who I recreated my childhood issues with them. I can't imagine having chemistry with someone who is actually emotionally healthy for me.

Should my marriage ever end, I will be looking for a relationship that is "good" for me not one with "chemistry" - I think true deep love grows over time so long as you are both prepared to be open.

LongGrass · 13/08/2016 21:48

Interesting post Dolly, and others. I hear ya.

I personally think I was probably too different as a younger woman to search for "true love" and also probably also hadn't been "trained" to want this in terms of family aspirations. Therefore even if I had wanted it I wouldn't have had a clue on how to go about it. These things are quite complex and hard to explain.

But now I am older and have no relationship, I feel quite happy and OK about it in many ways, its hard to describe. I do occasionally think wouldn't it be nice to have the kind of romantic love you describe in my life, but think its too late and maybe irrelevant - I have moved on to other kinds of love and this is growing all the time.

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 13/08/2016 22:00

I think I'm the same long - I wouldn't know how to love like that, it's not been 'me' and never has been.

I just see so much love around me and it makes me sad because I think I've missed out on something that would make me happy.

It's too late for me too, I know and accept that, but I can't quite come to terms with it yet. I guess it will take time.

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 13/08/2016 22:20

RandomMess wrt childhood issues ..same here. Wow that was powerful to read!

buzzpopprince · 13/08/2016 22:32

Similar here wrt childhood issues random

Op - I feel a deep sense of loneliness also, I fear I'm unable to have what everyone else has, and YY to people all around being loved up, I find it very painful at the moment

I am going to go to counselling to see if I can work through stuff, because my fear is I will get into another damaging relationship as a knee jerk reaction to being lonely, have you been for Counselling about this OP in the past?

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 13/08/2016 22:58

No, I haven't. I always thought I was strong enough not to need it, but I can see me blundering into relationship after relationship desperately trying to find something that I'll never have. That's why ExH seems like a safe bet. I know there's no love there, just friendship, so I won't be disappointed when I don't find it.

I want to be the love of someone's life, to be the most important person to someone, to share my life with someone. And I just know, without a shadow of doubt, that's not for me.

OP posts:

RomeoIsBleeding · 13/08/2016 22:59

Dolly I can empathise.

Especially with your last post.

I had an emotionally abusive childhood and believed that I was just fundamentally unlovable, and had been born that way. I didn't ever question it. I had relationships, I even got married, but not with men who loved me.

I've never been loved.

i know it's too late for me too. I also accept it, but I know exactly what you mean about not being able to come to terms with it. I still feel like there is a little bit of hope left. I wish there wasn't. It's the hope that hurts more than the lack of love. I feel like it's mocking me.

RomeoIsBleeding · 13/08/2016 23:00

Last post = 22:00

Arcadia · 13/08/2016 23:05

Could you be gay? (Maybe not given the sex comment).

imother · 13/08/2016 23:10

I suppose you could look for love in different forms? Fostering children, volunteering, community work? Something like that.

I think romantic love is a young person's game. It's hard to have the necessary illusions when you're older.

RomeoIsBleeding · 14/08/2016 07:58

Hm, I do a lot of voluntary and community work.

It's appreciated, but it's not what I imagine being loved to feel like.

Not sure that's the answer.

RomeoIsBleeding · 14/08/2016 07:59

For the OP, of course.

newname99 · 14/08/2016 08:18

What does love feel or look like to you? You mention being the most important person to someone but if they are a parent will that every happen?

I suspect you have been loved but are seeking something to fill the void created by childhood.Might be worth looking into inner child healing.

LynetteScavo · 14/08/2016 08:23

Firstly you need to stop looking at what everybody else has.

Secondly you need to stop going in to relationships hoping you'll fall in love..if you meet enough people you'll fall in and a relationship will follow.

While you believe live isn't for you, it won't be. You sound totally defeated.

rumred · 14/08/2016 08:44

I love Facebook but I take the declarations of love with a pinch of salt, most of it is rubbish, and I suspect covering up deep problems. In fact I know this with some loved up couples.
Anyway, you're chasing a dream. I've done it and I can see its an illusion, fuelled by all the industries around. So I'm happy now, there's nothing wrong with singledom. I ignore the couple propaganda. If I meet someone compatible great. If not great.
Your bloke sounds lovely actually. I hope you find peace somehow

RomeoIsBleeding · 14/08/2016 10:17

I love Facebook but I take the declarations of love with a pinch of salt, most of it is rubbish, and I suspect covering up deep problems. In fact I know this with some loved up couples

Same here. I am friends with members of one family on FB who are like this. The reality is far from it.

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