9 years & 2 kids together and dp still not divorced his ex!

[tomdaleysdicksticker]

Been together for 9 years. We have two dd ages 3 and 7. Although separated for 11 yeaes he has not yet divorced his ex - she has admittedly made this difficult though on his part he hasn't stpod up to things. This didnt use to bother me but then I didn't use to want to get married. He knows how hurt and crap this makes me feel . Now I just feel angry, upset, and like a second class citizen. WWYD? AIBU to think he should bloody well sort his divorce out. Feel so sad for my girls and starting to think rhis is a deal breaker!!! Has anyone else been in my boat?

Yes thats how feel. He says am nagging him and make him feel guilty and hes trying. Dont think he can do conflict as in stand up to exs demands.

So basically he reckons I am the unreasonable one. Wtaf!

His lawyer should be the one dealing with the demands of the ex, he can communicate through both lawyers without having to deal with her directly. After being split for more than nine years, the divorce court will take a dim view of her delaying proceedings through spite. It's taken my OH three years of trying to get divorced, with no financials to sort out, simply because his ex is a knob. But it takes constant work - it won't happen by itself, he will have to be on top of his lawyer all the time to get it done.

Give him til the end of the year to get it sorted. That u aren't going into 2017 still a mistress!!

I believe one can divorce after 5 years even if the other doesn't consent in the UK.

If he dies his pension goes to his wife. If you bought your property as tenants in common she gets half of it. If not her, it goes to their kids as the next blood relatives and heirs.

Unless he has put specific arrangements in place via a lawyer, you will be up the creek without a paddle.

I know what's done is done, but I can't understand why anyone would move in with and have children with a man who is still married.

No matter how difficult the divorce is, it can be done. The reason men like him don't bother getting divorced, is because women like yourself accept it.

If every woman turned him down over the last 9 years because he was still legally married, believe me he would have got divorced by now.

Sandy Y2k thank you for your perspective.

I don't really need to hear the 'could've told you so' type remarks. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it. Fallling deeply in love as a dippy 20something who genuinely believed that a divorce was pending does not make me thick, subservient or anythinf else. Oh and by the way I feel stigmatised enough without these comments without anyone else adding to my sense if shame and disappointmemt.

Wrt the financials, I have sought legal advice, and tbh separation (permanent) is impending as I can't get over the resentment and hurt either way.

I'm an intelligent, capable woman who probably went too much with my heart and my emotions at 24 and dreamed of a life which has not materialised.

I have my 2 dd now though and a good legal position so onwards and upwards.

Didn't mean to sound snippy, just a bit sensitive to those kind of remarks. They're not helpful , although the bulk of what you said was

Ps. Property bought in my name, mortgage in my name, all home improvements totalling 35k added by myself. Mortgage lenders refused to factor in.his income whatsoever.

Sorry TDDS.

I have just come across a number of people in your position and I guess because it's not something I would have ever done, even in my teens or twenties, I struggle with it.

Perhaps my upbringing plays a large part in it, because there is no way my family would welcome any married man being with me, let alone the living together and kids.

Good job the house is yours and that you are financially sound. Many women aren't and that keeps them stuck in relationships where they aren't happy.

Sorry you're in this situation.

Thats ok sandy. Appreciate your replying.

I was brought up christian middle class uni education etc. My parents were not impressed at first but loved him when they met him. Life doesnt always pan out the way we think 🤔

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I am ending my relationship on similar grounds and have 2 dc. Other reasons too but the resentful feelings have eroded everything. Hence barn burnt down, now I can see the moon 🤔

Hi op. I don't think you did anything wrong in loving it moving in with or having kids with this man. He has let you down. Have tried to read most of the thread but couldn't see if he has actually petitioned? After 5 years you don't have to have the agreement of other person. I know finances are another thing but as a pp said solicitors should be doing this.

I understand your hurt as my DP delayed getting divorced in my opinion. He is now but finances still to be sorted and I just want to over with as hangs over our lives.

Does he know how you truely feel as you have expressed here? Are you sure he wouldn't try and claim on house? I too believe he may have some right to things so I would double check with citizens advice or a solicitor. I only say this as I had to write a will recently (depressing but sensible) and as I live with DP she said after 2 years of living together he would have a right to claim on my estate as we had a financial link. I like you have house in my name, deeds and pay all mortgage.

Good luck op

OP thanks I am actually totally sick of the waiting too. My DP is moving out in a last ditch attempt to rectify things. If in six months his divorce is not done or well under way then he will not be moving back and I will move on. We have a child together too.

I don't think many women would move in with a man if they thought he would never divorce, but waiting until the divorce is completed, like the OP, felt like I was putting my life on hold. And basically, you trust too.

I now realise that my DP, after one marriage, was then going to use delaying his divorce as cold feet for commitment. Although how you can back off commitment when you are living together and have a child is anyone's guess. I dragged my DP to counseling and just kept on telling him how vulnerable and stressed it made me, and in the end just an ultimatum. He still doesn't actually see how bad it makes me feel.

And OP, I also do totally understand your feelings. Even if they do divorce, those feelings of being dragged through the mud to get there are pretty damaging.

I'm the opposite though with the house, it is DPs house, and I gave up work to look after our child. It is hardly any equity now, but we need to make it crystal clear how finances and property are shared/or not if we ever manage to make it through the next few months. I'd visit a solicitor myself OP, I'm going to do it. And if your DP does get his arise into gear then you'll need to get this out in the open.

What do you want OP? Are you so cross you just want him gone? As it is your house maybe you should kick him out. Not divorcing is a pretty big deal. Then you have time to think for a while. If he responds to that massive kick and divorces etc, maybe you'll take him back, maybe you won't. But never be called 'a nag'. If it's like that he will ONLY respond to actions i.e. Kick him out.

I'm not one usually for the dramatic but in the spirit of solidarity this procrastinating of our DPs is never going to change without us firmly drawing a line. Now!!!

I would go ballistic at the 'you're nagging me, you're making me feel guilty' and would be asking him how dare he try to make me feel guilty for him not sorting his shit out? You might as well go ahead and say you want to separate now. Doesn't look like he will take it seriously otherwise. Sorry you have had to deal with this.