Annoyed with DH about work. I am probably being a cow but I'm so cross

[BentleysMam]

DH is qualified and works in a very niche field, one that if he works for himself he could earn a huge amount of money.

He had a well paid job and then decided about 18 months ago to take voluntary redundancy from this role, and start using his contacts to do work on a freelance basis, as he wanted to earn more money, and do less 'donkey work', which would be the case if he was working on a freelance consultant basis.

As soon as he left the job he worked helping a friend with something totally different for about 2 months, with the intention of starting to source his own work after that. However he then started doing very basic work for another friend, and is still doing it over a year later! He has made no effort at all to find his own work, and if truth be told we are absolutely fucking skint! He's earning less than half of what he earned in his employed role before.

And what's worse is he rarely will talk about things, and will instead moan at me if I buy/do anything for or with the DCs, as we have 'no money'. Occasionally he will chat about his work and will say he wants to find his own clients and get into freelancing to earn more, but then he does nothing about it!

I work too, not quite full time, but I do work. However I don't have the same earning capacity as him as my career took a back seat once we had DCs as I've always been the one expected to take time off if the kids were ill, and to work flexible hours etc. Plus the field that I am in doesn't pay as well as DH's field.

I sound like a bitch but I am sick of being skint. All of our outgoings are based upon when DH had his well paid employed job, and we still have these financial obligations. I have suggested we move to a smaller house so we can be mortgage free but he will not hear of it! :-/

I just feel like he holds all the cards here. He took a much lower paid job with no discussion with me or consideration towards the rest of us. He works quite long hours currently so is always too tired to do anything in the house or with the kids. And he won't discuss a way forward. I can't take on any extra hours because of childcare costs.

I am so fucked off.

Tell him in plain language. Dh did something similar years ago, it nearly finished us and it still rankles now. Not so much the money, more the lack of consideration on how HIS unilateral decision would affect me & dc.

I think the OP has been pretty clear in her posts already

What do you think then?

To me it came across more as worried about living beyond her means, subsequent posts led me to wonder if it's more a case of not wanting the drop in come to mean a reduced lifestyle.

Both equally valid issues.

I'd agree with you Joys except OP said she wanted to talk about down sizing the house and her DH shut it down. That suggests to me that it is him wanting to continue to live the high life without considering the fact that their income has dropped. OP in fact is trying to address reality but her DH is being a bit of a dick about it...

i don't think it's the type of questions you're asking.

If my husband just quit his job and played around earning half of what he was without discussion but carried on spending like he hadn't done anything and I got whinged at for spending on the kids. I wouldn't be wringing my hands about the question you've just asked. Would you?

Is is happier? If so, then show him figures and say your glad hes found his joy but you need to downsize to balance earnings vs spending. Cut anything that's a luxury that you don't need.

Childcare is a joint cost, if you work not quite full time it's not going to be a lot more to increase your hours.

Blaming him for being skint and expecting him to do something he doesn't want so that you can have the lifestyle you want is wrong. You need to work together so that you are both happy with your jobs.

I don't expect him to do something he doesn't want so that I can have the lifestyle I want! But it would be nice to be able to buy pyjamas for the kids or school uniform for DD without him moaning at me!

And no, he's no happier!

Oh and not forgetting being able to pay the mortgage! Yep that's making him pay for the life I want because I want to pay the mortage we both took out.

Could he get another permanent job?

I did this, wanted more control and took an option to go freelance. I absolutely hated it and was rubbish at it. Even had some career counselling because i wanted to do 'something else'. Turns out, I'm much better as a permanent employee. Oddly, I have lots of get up and go again and have never really worked out why I was so pants at getting my own work for myself. Maybe it was about being part if a team..

Mostly i was deep down terrified all the time, about how it could all go wrong and it was absolutely all up to me. What i didn't do, though, was go on spending as if i were earning as before. It did take a while for me to admit I had made a mistake and start looking for a new role.

Have you asked him how he would feel about looking for a permanent role?

It's untenable. He can't carry on spending as he has while moaning at you for essentials. I would be really annoyed too.

He sounds like a selfish twat. Not a team player at all. And buying whatever he wants but objecting when you buy essentials for the DCs (school uniform FFS!) is bordering on financial abuse. Might sound an extreme accusation. But basically he is expecting his family to go without while he does exactly what he wants.

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Do his own job on his own terms, bringing in whatever he fancies, whilst you simultaneously juggle childcare, working yourself and trying to pay the bills and clothe the children.

I'm surprised by some of the responses you're getting. It seems very clear to me that either your H needs to earn more money, or he needs to facilitate you doing so by providing more childcare.

All this ooh you need to work together seem to be missing the point. The OP has offered the option of downsizing to reduce costs. If she works more hours then DCs will need to be in longer wraparound care, which even if it is an option, isn't desirable and is costly.

Once you're in a family you don't unilaterally get to do what you want job wise, particularly if it means that the mortgage cannot be paid.

OP I'd give him 3 months to increase his earnings and then tell him either you need to increase your hours - with him cutting back to provide childcare, or he needs to look at finding employment again.

You are no cow, he's a twat and a selfish one at that, I mean who does this when they have a family and bills to pay, does he think he's Mr Special because he aint, he's like everybody else and without money I'm afraid there's not much you can do, especially don't like the bit about him spending money on himself yet moans at you for buying the kids clothes, ffs, not on!

Where is the team work, the consultation, the discussion about his choices affecting everyone else, nothing, he just does whatever he fancies. I'd not tolerate this at all.

You aren't a cow or being mean at all. I have a similar scenario that drives me insane and and worries me no end. I have however the benefit that when DH was made redundant and then didn't look for a new role at the same like time j was also made redundant, went out and got a new job and am now th main breadwinner. I feel under loads of pressure but he won't consider downsizing, selling off anything he owns etc. He is now setting up a business but for almost 3 years the pressure has been immense and it makes me begrudge him. We didn't agree to this. It wasn't a joint decision. I feel for you. I have tried sitting down to discuss many times. He has nothing to say.

Imo men who complain about the burden of having to be the main breadwinner have to accept that an equal arrangement of earning responsibilities presupposes equality in childcare/housework/taking time off to mind sick children. Too many men seem to want a wife who combines the old-fashioned SAHM services with bringing in a fulltime wage.

Some people find it hard to be freelance as they don't have the skills to drum up work but can do it very well when someone else brings in the contracts. Maybe he didn't realise he couldn't do that part and now pride is stopping him admitting he made a mistake. Could he be encouraged to look for a job again by signing up to an agency. Or maybe you could search and present him with an opportunity you think he would like..