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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

cant stand my boyfriends dad!!

12 replies

missnatalie · 29/01/2007 14:40

Sorry if this is long. I just need to get it off my chest.

I met my dp 2 yrs ago and at the time we lived 100 miles apart. The long distance thing wasnt working so i decided to pack up and move in with him and his dad (couldnt afford our own place at the time). At 1st everything was going fine. DP dad would go to work around 6am, dp at 8am and i would spend my days looking for a job. His dad and i got on really well and he treated me like a daughter.

Around 5 months later DP dad lost his job which ment him being at home all day. This is when the freakiness started. He did things like slap my bum, hug me (not just a normal hug, was very touchy feely)and get so close to my face whilst he was talking to me that i thought he was going to kiss me. At 1st i thought he would stop but he didnt. I mentioned the bum slapping to DP and he had a word with his dad. But his responce was that he thought i liked it. A if im in my early 20s hes mid 60s and apart from that im his sons girlfriend ffs.

His dad then started drinking very heavily. He'd come home from the pub at night and come upstairs into our room. This started in the summere when it was very hot so dp and i were both naked under the covers. He would sit with us for about 30mins aking questions about our sex life and so on. I told dp that i felt that he was being unappropriate and he said just ignore it hes drunk.

During the next couple of months things got much worse. When dp was at work and i was in bed, his dad would come into our room, wake me up and lie on the bed with me (remember im still naked under the sheets). I was very freaked and it really scared me but i felt like i was in a situation where i couldnt say anything to dp.

Eventually it came to breaking point. His dad started following me to work. He'd sit in the carpark taking pics of me on his mobile and then send them to my dp. He even invented some story about once he dropped me off at work and he saw me kissing another man and then i got in his BMW car with him and drove off.

It got to the point where i told my dp that i had to move out as i could no longer live like this. DP was great and we soon found a place to live. Before we moved out his dad did everything he could to convince dp that i was cheating on him. Even his sister got involved (her dad told her all the imagined stories that he had and she beleived him. One day whilst i was at work, his dad went up into our room, went through a old hand bag of mine and found a pic of a old boyfriend of mine. I didnt even knbow i still had it. Anyway his dad shown the pic to dp and told him that this is the guy who's car he saw me getting in. Lookily dp beleived me.

Eventually dp and i moved into our own place and i didnt see his dad for around 6 months. Our relationship got back on tracks and everything was pervect.

DP became very depressed as the 2 people that he loved the most hated each other. Every evening he would be in floods of tears. I agreed to "try" with his dad for his sake.

That didnt last very long as his dad started with all the lies again. One evening dp and i were round at his dads and he asked if he could have a private word with me. We went into the back room and he told me that the reason he had been so horribel to me was because he fancied me and that he was jelouse of the relationship that dp and i had. He asked me to promise not to tell anyone and at 1st i didnt. I was scared to be any where near him though. Eventually i told my mum who made me tell my dad. He went absolutly mad. My dad and bil were ready to get in the car drive over 100 miles and punch his lights out. Luckily i convinced them not to. At this point i still hadnt told dp. But i felt terrible for keeping it from him. I thought to myself i owe his dad nothing and why should i lie to protect him. I told DP and he cried for ages and ages. He didnt confront his dad at 1st. He left it a couple of days. When his dad was confronted he admitted what he had said. But said he didnt mean it. He told dp that the only reason he said it was so that i would trust him more and then i would tell him that i was cheating. What a load of bollocks. This man is an absolute ass hole!!

Its been 12 months now since all this happened and i still cant stand his dad. In my eyes hes a dirty old perve. He mad my life hell for a good 6 months and i nearly lost my dp due to it. I just have no time for this guy what so evere. DP wants me to try again but i just cant. How can i try with someone who made my life hell for months. I just hate him so much. Am i being unreasonable? I dont think so but you might. What should i do. Try again or what. Im not a stubborn person, im actually quite laid back and normally very forgiving. But this time i just cant do it. I hate this man so much. What should i do?

P.S forgot to say. When i was living at house i was sunbathing in the back garden and his dad came an lay next to me. Out of the blue he picked up my tanning cream and started rubbing it on my stomach. I asked what he was doing and he said i need more cream on. I just got up and walked away.

OP posts:
jalopy · 29/01/2007 14:43

I'm having a job deciding which one is your best thread.

ledodgy · 29/01/2007 14:46

If you send these all in to Take a Break instead they'll pay you cold hard cash.

ledodgy · 29/01/2007 14:47

Hang on though it seems missnatalie is a regular poster. Sorry if we've got it wrong just been lots of these types of threads around lately.

ledodgy · 29/01/2007 14:49

I think you should amke it clear to your dp that you'llonly have a relationship with him if you don't have to have a relationship with his dad.

kittylette · 29/01/2007 14:49

shes not a troll

id just tell your DP your not prepared to try again, youve given your FIL enough chances, and your right - hes just an old perv

missnatalie · 29/01/2007 14:49

No dont worry im not a troll (think thats what you call them anyway). Im usually on the conception and pregnancy boards. Does my thread sound like a trolls thread

OP posts:
ledodgy · 29/01/2007 14:51

No it's not your fault some other nutter keeps posting random threads about relatives etc that are pervs or just general loons. Sorry I accused you of being her before I realised I recognised your name.

jalopy · 29/01/2007 14:51

Apologies. There have been a raft of them on here.

missnatalie · 29/01/2007 14:56

dont worry about it. people like that are very sad. i read a thread about a sisters boyfriend snapping at the children and the children putting pillows up there tops as the boyfriend was fat. i think she was a troll.

OP posts:
missnatalie · 29/01/2007 15:04

Im just so stressed out over this whole situation. I love my dp 100% and would do anything for him. This one thing i just can not do. Hes so miserable over the whole thing. We lost our 1st pregancy 9 weeks ago due to it being ectopic and hes really depressed about that too. Ive tried to explain and he seems to understand. He tells me its not my fault and i did nothing wrong and that i have nothing to apologise for. He just wishes it all never happened. DP goes to his dads roughly 1 a week and he just acts like a saint. Like hes done nothing wrong and its all my fault. He even sai to DP "i give it 3 months. she'll kick you out and move her new fella in". Well its been 12 months so ive definatly proved him wrong. God he just gets me so angry. I can feel my blood boiling as i type . I feel so much hate for this man.

OP posts:
ledodgy · 29/01/2007 15:37

Sorry for not responding quicker i've just been to picked up from preschool. I'm so sorry about your ectopic pregnancy what an awful thing to go through. I think you are right not wanting to have anything to do with your dp's father. You should tell your dp that although you love him it is your choice whether you have anything to do with this man or not. Tell him it's fine if he sees him but that you don't want any contact with him at this time.

Lauriefairycake · 29/01/2007 15:51

I hope this doesn't come out as a bit Oprah but you're giving all your power away and this bloke has been walking all over you since day one.

YOU do not have to see him - you get to choose who you see. This is not some bloke you've had an argument with - this is someone who has consistently lied about you to your partner, who has tried to touch you and been in your personal space many many times.

You have a choice and I understand you feel sorry for your partner but this does not need to cause a rift wih your partner if you just state some boundaries. He can see his dad and sister whenever he wants but you don't have to have him in your house or consort with him at all. Your partner needs to understand that and to just be really firm with his dad when he slags you off - and he's going to lie about you and slag you off.

Your partner needs to say to his dad when he starts on about you -"That is my partner and what she does or doesn't do is nothing to do with you - she is not slagging you off behind your back she has just chosen not to be around you" and then leave it at that.

You get to choose here and if this is stressing you out it's because your letting this arse have rent free room in your head !! He does not deserve your attention - he has had enough of it.

Create some distance from it emotionally - support your partner but be firm - this is about your self respect.

There are three members of my own family I don't see, one's a violent alcoholic, one's a paedophile and one tried to steal from me. I make no apologies or ever discuss it apart from to say I don't see them, I never slag them off, and I never gossip about them. I just have firm boundaries over me and my family.

You do not have to like this guy and you seem to be giving yourself a really hard time for not liking him and not seeing him. Be nicer to yourself and let up on your own guilt trip on yourself.

You deserve to make a choice.

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