I made a bit of a mess of my life since leaving school, I don't blame myself totally since I was more or less kicked out and left to fend for myself at 16 when my mum got a "new family" but I certainly could've tried harder to make something of myself.
Instead I got pregnant at 17, was in a horrible, depressive, dead end relationship living on benefits and in crappy council houses, we didn't even have money for buses so we had no life whatsoever.
When I was 23 I broke away from this abusive relationship and set up on my own, before this point I'd always given a great deal of thought to other peoples feelings and opinions, I cared about everyone but myself and I sacrificed everything I wanted to make sure I caused nobody any bother, my confidence was so low I genuinly believed I was an inconvienience to everyone I met.
So anyway this relationship ended and once I was on my own with my son having nobody to rely on but me my whole attitude changed, I began to do things for me, I cared about me and my son and I became obsessed with getting the things WE wanted.
My grandad kept telling me to find a rich man and take him for every penny, I always said "I could never do that".
Anyway a man did come along, not rich but very generous. I didn't even think about the money at first, it was just nice to have some company after 2 years on my own. Then he started buying me things, expensive perfume, designer clothes...at the same time I was rapidly going off him, he was immature, lazy, almost nausiating but I stuck with him, if I'm being honest to myself I stuck with him because without him I wouldnt get my fortnightly night out (which he paid for), I would never afford the perfume etc I had become used to...
After a particulary bad patch I did finish with him, everything he did or said irritated the hell out of me.
I used the excuse that I wanted to travel and he had never shown any interest in travelling or holidaying etc.
A few months later he called me and said he'd got a quote for Gran Canaria and would pay half of the overall price if I would pay the other half. I declined.
I then thought about how much I wanted to travel, I thought about my promise to myself that I would do whatever I could to get the things I wanted, I wondered how or when I would ever get abroad if I didnt take this opportunity and in the end I decided to accept his offer.
He took this as me saying "we're back on" and I never put him right on this as I know he wouldn't want to go on holiday with me otherwise.
So now we have a holiday booked for June, I'm only with this man to get the holiday and at first it didnt bother me, I had a "needs must" kind of attitude but I'm slowly starting to realise how bad this is, I don't love this person, despite his good qualities he irriates me so much and now I feel trapped for the sake of the holiday, its like prostitution but I'm stuck between calling it off and disapointing my son (and myself) or blocking out my guilt and going ahead. People treat me like shit all the time and I doubt they ever feel guilty about it....terrible excuse I know.
I know I am in the wrong but how should I deal with this now?