What made you finally end your relationship with a man child?

[spad]

I have lost all perspective and am trying to evaluate how awful things actually are. Please can you tell me your story and give me some perspective?

Tia

When he used to moan I spent all our money on my kids and we were always skint. . I had to borrow off relatives to pay bills. Found out 9 months later he had been on a canny wage all along and had been spending it on himself and lying to me.

I had responsibility for all bills, childcare, cooking and cleaning. He didn't help and didn't work. He would get up mid-morning and head out to socialise with friends all day. Complete cocklodger!

Not sure what was the snapping point that made me realise it wasn't acceptable any more tho X

When I realised why he had no money all the time (separate accounts)
mistress
mistresses child
gambling
ow
online porn...escorts
This man is a businessman who deals with other people's money I might add !! I was working my butt off to subsidize his lifestyle...Wrong !!

After years of me doing everything...

It was the day he went in to work and forgot his keys and expected me to leave my sons football game, pick up the keys and take them in to him. He had my dd with him and apparently he started shouting, banging the window and saying he wanted a divorce. Oh and I only work part time so what's the problem with me doing these things?

Dd was in tears

Spad - list all the things that piss you off. That'll give you perspective xx

When I had a weeks leave booked and he decided to have that time off too but failed to even engage with me and just hung around the house all day ruining any ideas I had for a peaceful week off, playing his computer game.

(there was a LOT more too it but this was the straw)

Playing video games til the early hours of the morning
making me responsible for everything
Skiving off work
Drinking and smoking weed and lying about it
It changed when I approached turning 35. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was at a meal out with friends and I knew I was the only one sitting at the table panicking that my husband was going to get in trouble at work for being late and having had a drink.

Sparkly, I just couldn't without really, really crying.

I had zero sexual attraction for him because of his man childness and that made me sad for us both.

when I kept track and worked out that over a month he'd spent less than 2 min per day in the company of our two kids (aged 3 and 1 at the time), which I started doing because I realised he was an emotionally abusive arse
and I didn't have to put up with him and didn't love him any more

spad

Someone once told me that the lowest standard that you accept, you come to expect. I have found this to be true in everything and with everyone.

Set your standard. He won't change.

Much like susie. He came onto me in bed and I recoiled.

I'd spent the day helping him with his homework(uni) , making him dinner ( encouraging him to eat his peas) and cleaning after whilst he played X box. I had almost forced him to bed as he had lectures in the morning and shouldn't stay up on Xbox past 2 am. He then sulked as he deserved sex after the work he'd put into the homework and the stress he was under.

He was my first child. Yuk.

Nonsense

How do I set my standard? Things have become so awful. He doesn't want my company. We don't speak about anything. We can't make plans.

Start there 'we can't make plans' this is intensely infuriating after any length of time and wears you down. We all need to feel organised and have things to look forward to - being able to make plans is a basic facet of an adult relationship I reckon

"He doesn't want my company"

This is enough in itself.

For me, it was when I realised that his selfish, angry and entitled attitude was starting to have a impact on our young children. If I had never come across the mumsnet relationship board, I probably wouldn't have realised this was emotional abuse. I gave him an ultimatum, he responded by being violent, and (the second time he hit me) I called the police. The rest is history, although it didn't get completely sorted very soon, and I have been lucky that the police and women's aid have been supportive.

What kind of impact did it have on your kids?

I realised that I had to end it when my H revealed just how useless he is at handling children.

We were in London, post a children's theatre show, having lunch in John Lewis on Oxford Street. We have 3 dc, all 3 have ASD.

Towards the end of our main course, ds (then 2), needed a nappy change. H took him, leaving me at the table with dd1 (severe ASD) and dd2. Fine.

20 minutes later, I get a phone all from H. I am still at the table, fielding ever more hysterical questions from dd1 as to where H and ds are.

H is frantic on the phone. Ds had had a really messy nappy, which had leaked all over his clothes. H snapped at me to sort it out, then got really shirty when I refused to pack up the table, pay the bill (without dessert - unheard of in dd1's experience, so would have cause a huge scene), go and buy ds new clothes, and deliver them to the baby change room. Apparently, this would be far easier than H, umm, getting ds cleaned up, putting a fresh nappy on him, and walking him out of the baby change straight into the childrenswear department, buying new clothes and dressing him. Because what parent is going to think anything at all of a (clean) toddler being led through the babywear in search of new clothes. Most would be thinking 'there but for the grace of God...' or 'ha ha, I remember when I had to do that'.

He was snappy with me for days over that one, as he truly believed I was unreasonable to refuse to pander to his ineptness.

And that was when I realised he would never actually fully do his share. Everything with the dc would always be my responsibility, or my problem to solve. He wasn't helping at all, and was in fact just another person to be responsible for, and I don't have the headspace.

They were starting to imitate his behaviour. My four year old was angry, and clingy to me. A few times, he shouted in the faces of his female young friends, using the exaggerated gestures and scary faces he had seen his father use towards me.

The youngest child was barely talking. He said things like "daddy too loud", along with tyrannosaurus noises and scary faces.

They were quite unhappy and badly behaved little boys. I wanted a better example for them. I am a childcare professional, and have had plenty of safeguarding training. It was hard for me to see the signs of emotional abuse in my own children, because I think I had been in denial, but once I realised, I started making plans to leave.

The physical abuse was the final straw. No amount of denial will excuse that.

The nspcc website has loads of useful information, but I warn you that it is an upsetting thing to read. X

Panda - your post struck a cord with me. I wandered on to this thread but there was an element of man hold about my mostly narc exh. Having a partner who refuses to use any initiative or do any problem solving without you pretty much doing it for them is just soul destroying. Exh did this even with food shopping. Him doing it was bloody pointless but I made him now and then. Git no fathomable reason because it created more stress. I am v grateful for current dp who requests a list, buys everything on the list and is able to make sensible substitutions and God forbid even buys other meal components - like you know - an adult

Oh don't even start me on food shopping, or expecting the dc to be fed at a reasonable time with adequate food.

I was ill recently (proper ill - in bed for 4 days, multiple doctor/out of hours/A&E visits) and on day 3, he woke me up to tell me he was going shopping, did we need anything (erm, how would I know?!) and ask what he should give the dc for tea. Utterly incompetent.

Quite simply when I had an actual child. I was on board for one not two (and the baby was easier!!)

I had a vomiting bug and DS's nappy needed changing. H called me to change the nappy and I said I had to puke first. So I vomited, cleaned myself up, then changed the nappy. H was perfectly healthy and competent.

But that was 10 years before I ended the marraige. This incident has always stuck in my mind, though.

Another one: H shouted to me one Monday morning that "no one had ironed" his shirts. I am not sure who was supposed to iron his shirts for him...

I am well rid.