Totally Give Up? Wait? Move On? HELP - PLEASE!

[MakeLoveNotWar16]

Hi guys,

I need some advice as i'm in a little pickle.

Basically i'll try and keep this fairly long story short and stick to the key facts in order to not bore people when reading this!

So....there's this girl at my work place, this girl is beautiful, she is everything i'd look for in a girl and more. Obviously there's more to a relationship than just looks but over the past i'd say a year, maybe less, we've been very close. Close in they that we're always talking to each other in work (like for example in the work kitchen) or by the works instant messanger service thing. It's got to the point where colleagues see us both in the kitchen and often mention that we look great together! This even happened on Tuesday when a lady who we both work with pulled the girl i like to one side in the office and said "when should i buy the hat for the wedding!?". She carried on by telling her that we would make a great couple as there's so much chemistry!

You might be thinking that i'm in the 'friend zone' but honestly there's something there. For example she's a very forward and confident girl (pretty girls tend to have this) but she said the other day that with me she feels shy and all school girl like and that i'm the only person she knows who she feels like that with. Also EVERYTIME she walks passed my office (this actually just happened. Edit - twice!) she looks at me without fail (you have to turn your head a full 90 degrees to look at me).

Now you're probably thinking "well....what's your problem, you like her and it sounds like she likes you..." but there's a huge spanner in the works...

She has a partner. Yes bad news....even more so now that they've just bought a place to live together. It's hard to dress that up into anything positive for me but recently she had to move out of her parents house as they were moving abroad....She was then given money by her parents as a leaving gift in order for her to have her on place. The issue being that they didn't give her enough for her to buy her own place....and this is where the BF comes in. He's invested in the new place also otherwise she'd be homeless. Now i'm not her to slag the BF off, i'm also not going to comment and say "Oh she's not happy with him, she should be with me etc etc". I know they have issues and they're trying to work through them.

So obviously i'm here thinking what if and in a way, i wish i was that guy because i just have that feeling me and her would be great together due to everything i've mentioned and the fact we have so much in common.

I'll add and this which will reflect badly on us, we've been out a few times this year and we've ended up kissing. Obviously we could have a full blown affair but that's obviously not good for either of us in the long run or the BF. Now we try not to go out together as is could end up in a way which we'd regret.

There's actually another girl in the office who's a lovely, sweet girl who I went on a date with a few weeks back and the other girl was not happy what so ever. She thinks it's unfair for me date someone under her nose in work....i said it has nothing to do with her!

So as you can see...there's something there! I just feel like there's literally nothing i can do at the moment, i think the world of her but i just can't have her....well in the way that i want. How would you guys deal with this situation? Would you try and move on (something i'm struggling to do)?, do you carry on as things stand and wait and see what happens with her relationship? Or do you stop all communication as it could end in tears.

Help....please! : -/

Where the hell do you lot work, I want a job there...spend all day walking passed each other, texting each other, emailing each other, in the kitchen having a chat. You decide, on the spur of the moment, to work from home, but spend it dissecting the events that happened in the pub, she decides it's all getting too much, so books a holiday and there she is, half an hour later at the airport.

God, I have to give six month's notice and get three hundred forms signed to go to the dentist!

She has a boyfriend but has kissed you.

She's a grade A cheating bitch with the morals of an alley cat.

And you're attracted to a skank like that?

Plus, of course, if you DID get together (highly unlikely) she'd do to you what she's currently doing to her BF.

She may be a skank but you're not much better tbh.

Dearest God-ing Jesus-ing Christ! How is it possible that you are an adult, much less a parent?!

Seriously get a grip - she has you dangling on a string! She wants to have several cakes and eat all of them. She is not trapped in a relationship she wants to get out of, she is just utterly selfish and using you all for an ego massage while shitting all over her partner from a height! Why would you want to be with a person like this, much less bring her into your daughter's world?

Try looking for a grown up who isn't a completely hideous narcissistic childish twat!

(I'm sorry that you've been sucked in by this person but seriously, tough love is beyond necessary here!)

Wow, what a messed up mess. It does sound horribly teenage angsty, and how do any of you think you're behaving professionally.

Maybe one good thing will come of it all, and you've learned why you don't shit on your own doorstep.

I'm pretty certain I'd be in a world of trouble at work for using the messaging system like this.

Cut her loose. It's very, very easy to get drawn into the drama of it all. When you feel like you love someone, especially if you are always around them, it can seem too painful to let that go. But you have to grit your teeth and do it. No contact will be hard as you work together, but it IS possible. If you continue down this path you'll ultimately end up very hurt. In the future, you'll be cross with the effort and time that this is basically stealing from you.

Good luck.

@TheZeppo great advice there and I know you're totally right.

I just need to put into practice and like many people have said on here, grow up a little bit.

And yes I guess my work place is extremely lax in certain areas, it sounds like bloody college doesn't it?!

I'll keep you guys updated on my journey and I'll use your posts to keep my focus away from her.

I'm finding all this highly entertaining...

Definitely think this is one of those infatuations where the chase is better than the real deal.

oh for lord's sake just get away from her. I mean change your job/ask to be transferred to another office/take extended AL. Anything.

It's ridiculous to think you can resist her when she's right under your nose every minute of every day.

"updated on your journey"?

Are you off on holiday then?

Not snogging a cheating of a woman with a boyfriend is not a "journey", it's just a sensible decision that you make once and get on with.

Me again guys, i thought i'd update the situation as to what's been going on.

So last time we spoke this girl had packed her bags and went away for a few days as she become over stressed with work and of course our situation probably didn't help.

So since then, the past 2 weeks we've been civil. I messaged her when she got back from hols to see if she was okay, as soon as i sent the damn message i knew deep down i shouldn't have sent it. But i did and we chatted and in a way cleared the air which was good in a way. We spoke about her relationship, girls i've been dating to which she still openly said she was a bit jealous.

Roll on this week and i've somehow managed to not message her. I did the 'brave the shave' charity thing this week to which she messaged me about it on Wednesday. We briefly spoke and she seemed a bit awkward as i told her that friends and family were coming over for a BBQ and to watch my mum shave me and my brothers head. She said would love to come and watch but then said had stop talking there as she was digging herself a hole or something along those lines. I just read that in a way that she wished she could be there but for obvious reasons she couldn't. I was pretty offish in that convo and tried not to flirt or give big responses and i think she took the hint. She said she was very proud of me as we raised a fortune and I could see she viewed my charity shave on social media so she was generally interested.

But that's about all the contact we've had. Like i say i could so easily message her but i'm trying my damndest not to and If i'm 100% honest, it's totally killing me inside. i feel sick every time i see her which has been a lot less this week. Normally she walks past my office many times a day like i've mentioned before, but she's avoiding a girl who sits near where i work so i rarely see her now. When she goes home she waives and says good bye, that's it.

I guess if she was really that bothered about our friendship or whatever we've got then she'd talk to me, i know she's been busy this week and i particularly haven't which gives me time to think too much . Normally she does contact me first but this week there's been a change in the tide and i feel like i'm weening myself off a drug and its just eating me up, big time.

:(

So she doesn't walk past your office because she's avoiding a girl there?? How immature are you all? I'd love to know where you work. Is there a manager?
I think you need to stop talking to her all together unless it's about work. Little conversations about personal stuff isn't going to let you both move on.

I refer to honourable gentlemen to my first posting on this thread

Mate!. Grow a pair and then Grow up!

OP
You have a crush. Is all.

What an odd workplace. As others have said, you appear to do zilch except waste your company's time. I think that's pretty juvenile too.

I refer to honourable gentlemen to my first posting on this thread

Me too. And in case he is too lovesick to scroll up:

'She has a partner. And it ain't you bruv.'

Go NC. Immediately. Block her on work messenger, close your office door and spend your time and energy on someone who is available and you can actually trust.

You are addicted to the high you get from flirting with her and all the drama - your feelings are not really there. Go cold turkey, it will be tough for a couple of months and then you move on. It's the only way to deal with this.

So, me again! I only seem to get abuse on here or the company i work for just gets stick but here i am again!

Firstly, yes we do do a lot of work for the company we work for, all the stuff i've mentioned happened over a long period of time or through out a working day!

Secondly, my mindset has changed since i started my original post. I know in my head that it's never going to happen with this girl, i know in my head that even if it did happen with this girl it would most likely end in tears. Also i know, she chose the other guy over me.

Now i woke up one morning last week and just thought to myself that i can no longer do this anymore. I have other nice girls interested in me and each one i've screwed up because my concentration is on this girl at work. When i wake up, she's on my mind, when i go to sleep, again she's on my mind. The last few weeks she still messaged me because she either missed me or needed cheering up due to her job being stressful and i realised that all this needed to stop.

So last friday i took a new tact and decided that i needed to block her off once and for good (unless it was to do with work of course, then i'd be blunt...but civil). So she came into my office last Friday looking for one of my colleagues and i just kept my head down and focused on my laptop. She said hi and i responded with a quick hi back and she then mumbled something which i couldn't really hear so she repeated it louder as she thought i was being rude "ARE YOU OKAY?" she said to which i gave her a thumbs up and again, i got on my with work.

Low and behold a message popped up some 5 mins later once she had got back to her desk asking why i was grumpy. I simple said that i was fine and then she said because i was in one of those moods, she'd leave me too it. I thought about not responding but i'd be done the pub for a liquid lunch and thought i'd give her both barrels. I said " some days i just can't be bothered with the whole situation. You pull me to too and throw, i never know where i stand. I just think you need sort your life out and once you've done that then maybe you've got room for me in it. I seriously think there's a lot of shit going on with you behind the scenes, i just feel like i no longer know you anymore. Just leave me out of it. I'm too old for these games." and immediately i logged off and went home. On Monday i worked from home and no messages were exchanged except on e-mail in regards to an issue at work which we'd both been dealing with.

I went in Tuesday and straight away we bumped into one another down the corridor, again she said "Hi" and i just gave her a fairly false smile without saying a word. Later in the afternoon again she came into my room looking for a colleague of mine who was out in a meeting and straight away she looked nervous and hesitant when she came in as she realised the person she needed wasn't in. I straight away got up before she could make conversation and went out to the kitchen to make a tea.

Again, 5 mins later boom a message appeared "Hello, have I done something to really offend you this past week? "

and to be honest I really wasn't interested in talking to her and I just responded pretty much by saying that. She then said " will you talk to me at some point about it? I dont really want to carry on like we have been this week." which to me, shows that she cares but she's also a bit self centered. I responded by simply saying, "maybe one day" before logging off and going home.

Wednesday we walked passed each other again and she just stared at me as i went past and i can tell it's massively bothering her.

I know all this is petty and childish but for the first time in ages i feel a) better about things that i'm actually working on moving on and b) i feel like i have a bit of power back in this situation. I think the best thing to happen is for her to do the same to me (ignore me) and that way we can both finally move on with our separate lives. On the other hand i hope she misses me because i've only ever been nice to her and she'll realise she's lost someone who was actually quite important in her life.

Of course my heart still pines for her and it'll be sometime before it doesn't but as least it's starting to listen to my head.

Thanks for reading guys!

MakeLoveNotWar, it's you, isn't it, Mr Trump? I recognise something in the style.

Listen, Don, you need to get a hold of yourself, son. Isn't there something else you're supposed to be concentrating on at the moment? Forget about this woman. Get off mumsnet. Get back to work. That's my advice.

You have her "both barrels" because you'd had a "liquid lunch"?

yet another example of the professionalism you show at work.

Colleague starts ranting at me in work time because they've never been drinking, and I'd be walking over to HR!

Get a fucking grip! Keep this away from work!!!!

Look, it was obvious before and still is now... She likes attention, not you.
Go and get counselling (seriously) to work out why you're still crushing on her - you have really low boundaries.

Are you sure you're not 15???? Your posts read like my diary from back then! 'Does he like me? Oooh he looked at me! He touched my arm in science!' etc etc

In reply to Cabrinha.

Jesus Christ where do you work, a nunnery?! Because no one at work ever goes down the pub on a Friday lunch time do they? Christ you've obviously never worked in London?

You'd also go to HR?! Fook me, you sound a right bundle of laughs! I've hardly hurled abuse at the girl or swore at the girl!

Also how the hell can I keep it out of work if we bloody work under the same roof?

Top advice, cheers!!
Yes I know this is immature shit, which is why I'm stopping all contact

What's with the "Christ" exclamations? Have you had too many beers tonight as well?

I've worked in London. Hell, I've also worked in Paris where even our staff canteen served wine at lunchtime.

Pointless to have a go at me - it's you that said that because you'd had alcohol at lunchtime, you gave a colleague "both barrels". I presume you're now being rude to me because you realise you were ridiculous.

Yes, I have been with colleagues who have drunk at lunchtime. None have drunk so much that it caused them to give "both barrels" to another colleague.

You keep it out of work by not talking about it in work, not mooning around after the cheating attention seeking skank in work, and by not drinking too much over lunch so that you can't stick to that.