DH wants a second child, I don't

[scampimom]

Never wanted kids until I started going out with my now husband. He was really keen, and I came round to the idea and we had DD. She's great, and I don't ever regret having her, but I just don't think I can do this again. I don't think I'm cut out to be a mother.

DH is always talking about having another one. We have so many reasons NOT to, though: we can either afford a bigger place (in small 2-bed flat now) OR to have another child in nursery once DD goes to school, but not both. But if we had another child, we would need a bigger place to live.

Practical reasons aside, I just don't think I can go through birth again (v traumatic), or the first 4 months again. And having a toddler is mentally exhausting, and I'm not a great mom to start with - I work full time over an hour's commute away, so I see her for 15 minutes a day, and even then I'm relieved when she goes to bed.

I don't understand why DH wants another one. DD is a real handful by herself, sending both of us round the twist - how on earth would we cope with a baby on top of that? And then in a few years' time, we'd be going through all the toddler crap again, and I just cannot face it.

I've said this to him, but he just says we'll find a way, other people do it, it would be nice, we'll manage etc.

On top of all that, I'm 41. By the time DD goes to school I'll be nearly 43. Even if I could get pregnant then, it might cause extra risks and problems - first pregnancy was quite tough with one thing and another.

Sorry if I'm rambling - just wanted to put it all down and maybe get some ideas of how to put it across, or even just get some different perspectives on how I can think of it myself.

[NameChange30]

This isn't AIBU but you are most definitely not being unreasonable. Your body, your choice. Please make sure you're using extremely reliable contraception - maybe double up to be on the safe side!

[scampimom]

AnotherEmma - having a toddler around is extremely effective contraception IMO!

On a more serious note, I also think he hasn't considered the higher chance now of having a baby with problems, or me having serious complications. His sister had a "surprise" at 43, so to his mind it's all perfectly fine.

[GingerbreadGingerbread]

To me there's no debate to be had if either in the relationship don't want one then it's a no. You both have to want the child or its completely off the table. I'd say the same if you wanted the child and your DH didn't. He must accept your wishes.

[GingerbreadGingerbread]

Whatever you do don't come off contraception.

[scampimom]

That's it in a nutshell, Ginger - we both have to want the child, or it doesn't happen. It's hard enough to do with a child that both parents wanted.