Ex is mean about money for our DD but not for his new family

[BaffledandConfused]

I'm finding it so hard to wrap my head around this.

My ex and I separated just under a year and a half ago. I had to apply for Child Maintenance as he was not helpful in maintaining our daughter and he left me in debt. He started a new relationship within a couple of weeks of our separation, conceived a child roughly 12 to 16 weeks into this new relationship, and they are now married about 14 months after getting together and have had the baby. To me this shows emotional instability by itself because literally a few days before beginning this new relationship he had begged me to come home. He changed his mind after I told his dad about what had gone on in our relationship and told me i had betrayed him and it should have stayed between us only. Obviously he was very clearly in the wrong and his dad had wanted to get him counseling. So in space of one day he came to my home to see if we could sort things out and after I spoke to his dad he immediately changed his mind and that was it. After that a load of different types of abusive behaviours began, but what really baffles me is his meanness about money. Luckily I get CM, but as he now has two kids in his home to take care of, his new baby and the new wife's own child, my CM has gone down. Because of the debt I was in I struggled last year too. I have asked him a handful of times for small amounts to help with DD's care like £20 toward summer activities at our local leisure centre or a contribution of no set amount toward new clothes and/or shoes. He refuses. Honestly I have asked him just 3 times in total in the last 15 months since we split and only for these very small amounts each time. Today I bought all of DD's school uniform but as my CM has gone down I don't have very much toward her non school clothing. I asked him for a contribution of no set amount toward her casual clothing and he said he could not afford to contribute anymore than he already does via Child Maintenance. I would understand except he just paid for his and his new wife's wedding. So he paid for a wedding but cant spare a couple of tenners for a pair of shoes for our daughter? It really saddens me for our daughter because I feel like he wants to spite me so badly that he gives no thought to how his actions impact her.

Luckily we aren't in a country without assistance and I will of course make sure I get the money together for her clothing. My family have already jumped to my aid. I just don't understand how he can justify this in his mind. It makes me so sad for our DD and it makes me feel like he doesn't love her enough to want the best that we can both provide for her, even if separately.

To me he is clearly emotionally unstable but I cannot imagine how he can justify this behaviour that directly affects his own DD. His gripe isn't with her, its with me. And he is currently taking care of all the financial needs of two other children but is begrudging when it comes to our DD.

My focus is now to work toward a point where my DD and I do not need his financial support, it just hurts me for my DD.

[CalleighDoodle]

The teachers pay scale information you have been given here is simply not true. When changing schools, they no longer have to honour your position on the pay-scale. It doesnt make a difference what type of school. It is very likely that as a top of the scale teacher he had to take a paycut to get out. I dont know anyone who has had their top of scale as q classroom teacher honoured when moving schools in the past few years.

[CalleighDoodle]

Just seen he isnt ups3, but it doesn't matter. There's no longer a requirement to maintain the point on the payscale a teacher is on when they move schools.

[Cosmo111]

It never amazes me how someone can go from one extreme to another op. It almost feels unfair they get another shot at a second family whilst we pick up the pieces of our own DC and try to financially manage. I hate those excuse's people make he was too young when he had DC , he wasn't mature etc but often it's us mums who have the sleepless nights, try to budget for new clothing uniforms etc. Your DD will know who's been there in the end. Definitely get the maintenance rechecked though you never know if they haven't got recent information.