At my wits end

[sophieemily]

Hey everyone, just need some support really.
I am a mum of a 18 month old boy, married to his father, have been for 2 years (been together 13).
Me and my hubby are so suited, we like the same music, both like rugy etc etc and before having our little one we were like best buddies.
Since however (not that I would change having my cheeky monkey for the world I love him to bits) we are not getting on and I feel continually angry with my hubby,
He works and I am a stay at home mum but he literally and I mean literally does nothing around the house even at the weekend and it is really beginning to grate on me.
He works shifts and on his late shift he finishes at 11 and gets home about 1145 and on that week he wont get up until 9 the next day and thats only because I ask him to which is met with hostile eugh do I have to's).
Am I being unreasonable in wanting him just to get up at 9 and want to get up and spend time with us when he is on lates and in wanting a bit of help at the weekend.
How do I resolve this and stop resenting my husband!

That doesn't seem too bad, the getting up at 9. Does he have any downtime between work and sleep? How many days does he work?

The wanting an equal partnership is fair enough.

What was he like before he was a parent? It sounds like he has not made the adjustment to having a small child.

I would leave your son with him for 24 hours at the weekend and go on a mini break even if just at a friends house if funds are tight....tell him after 18 months of full on childcare you desrve a break and leave him a list of your sons activities sleep times etc. Offer him to do the same in the future so that he cannot complain.....after all it would not make any difference to your workload!!

Sometimes a new father has to see for themselves just how tiring it is to look after a lively toddler with no help, whilst trying to run a house/ cook etc.

I don't think the getting up late after getting home at nearly midnight is much of a problem.

But he should be helping around the house.

Does he go to bed when he gets in? Does he have nine hours of uninterrupted sleep? Do you get that?

He absolutly should be helping around the house. At the moment in a SAHM so do the lions share - but there is a difference to cleaning house/ cooking ect.. and being treated like a mug.

Dh was a lazy git, his mother waited on him and his brothers and still would if she could. He is a lot better now but it honestly took to me near moving out to prove a point

Squirmy yes be does stay up for a bit before he goes to bed watching tv and having a beer, unsure what time he gets in bed though as I usually zonked out, he works mon - fri, I don't know if its me having trouble adjusting I just feel like when we are together like at a weekend he is sat on his butt and I am running around like a headless chicken as usual.
Drangongirl, before we have our son we had a rota and routine of who did what but that went out of the window when I went on maternity which kinda is fair enough because obviously as I wasn't at work I should be doing more of the house stuff but we never implemented anything again so now I am doing everything.

dutchcourage, he gets 8 hours sleep uninterrupted, I probs get 6.That's exactly my point, I mean I expect to be doing more of the housework and that etc as I am at home and he's at work but I get so wound up when my son is screaming for something/needs changing/getting into something he shouldn't whilst I am trying cleaning or do laundry and hubby is sat on his arse oblivious and don't even get me started on just generally leaving the place like a pig stye when I have just cleaned,

I worked shifts and got up later than that. Even getting in at about midnight I needed to wind direction win so even if I immediately went to bed (nobody I worked with did that) then I couldn't sleep.

I also have been a SAHM and my bebchmark was that we had equal leisure time. My dh's work day and commute meant I had enough yime most weeks to get everything done during the week (I batch cooked too) and meant we both got to enjoy family time with our daughter.

There were weeks where I couldn't, eg illness, feeling down, outside influences, and if I asked DH to do things, he always did and liked to feel he was helpful. I'd have brained him if he didn't!

Hi Joysmum, I think that's just it, I want to feel like we have equal leisure time but we don't at the moment.

op when he is on those shifts he should be doing a split of the morning get ups so you can have a lie in too. He could use that time for bonding time while you are not there.

op have a sit down and tell him how you feel and that he needs to do his share of keeping on top of the house and special time with his ds

Don't be a marytr

It is encouraging that he used to help before ds was born. It sounds like he now thinks as you are a SAHM he does not need to help at all.

I would take careful note of what you can reasonably get done during the time he is at work, and whilst looking after Ds then make a list of the rest and make a rota.

Then tackle what needs to happen when DS is high maintenance/ tired etc and you are cooking or doing other chores. eg
if there are 2 hours of extra weekend chores each when one of you is doing their chores the other is fully responsible for DS.