DPs family aren't attending our wedding

[MidnightAura]

We are getting married in two weeks. DPs family fell out with us a few months ago because they wanted to add people we didn't know to our wedding, they went as far as booking these people hotel rooms and only casually dropped it in to conversation they had did this. We are having a small wedding (numbers are under 25) and they were adamant they wanted the "big family day" Their words. DPs brother although he admitted it had nothing to do with him has also not spoke to us in that time and pulled out of being best man.

Just to be clear, they are not paying for any part of the wedding. Before the wedding plans started we had a okay relationship. We got on better with them before DP and I moved in together, once that happened we went weeks without any contact, we asked them to come over they said no. I think we have seen them three times in one year which bothers DP. I mean we did try.

So when they wanted to invite the best man from their wedding and his family and my FIL cousin and his family we were a bit taken aback. We have never met them and naturally we didn't appreciate them telling us X and y were coming and booking them into a hotel without asking us. I mean they had seen the guest list prior to that, I thought had they wanted to invite anyone, they could have mentioned it then, as opposed to going behind our backs. DPs parents haven't seen their best man in twenty years and they haven't seen their cousin in eight years.

We haven't spoke to them since we told them we are having a small wedding, we can't afford the extras and more to the point we don't want them there, we are having a small wedding for a reason. The in laws were crying and his parents said they wouldn't be coming. DPs brother got involved and said we were being unreasonable.

We tried to fix it once the dust settled, they ignored our calls. They stay a bus and a train journey away.

The invites went outs and they all declined. DP hasn't spoke to them since. He is very hurt. Today is his birthday, they have sent a card. He sent them a text saying thanks, he doesn't want to talk to them.

I have thought about calling them or writing to them because I do want them at the wedding for DP. But DP doesn't want me to do that. I don't want our married life to start this way but we have tried to bury the hatchet. But my worry is there is no way back from this.

I just don't understand why they would ignore their sons wedding.

They don't deserve to be there. They sound dreadful.
I wish my and dh's parents hadn't been at our wedding. Both had been awfully behaved before the wedding. It nearly ruined the day worrying about what they'd do. We can't watch our dvd or even look at our photos as they bring back such awful memories of our parents.
It's a blessing that they're not coming.

Thanks so much for all your kind words.
I agree it is about power and control. I believe they want the big family party so they can pretend we are all super close and happy happy when we aren't close to them. Both DP and I agree that if we give in on this issue, down the line there will be other issues.

As awful as it sounds I hope they don't turn up on the day, we haven't told the venue to cater for them so it will be awkward. Not to mention upsetting for DP!

By some of the comments though I guess we aren't the only ones with parents who choose not to attend their children's weddings.

We will have a good day. I just hate the idea of DP feeling humiliated waiting for me at the alter as he has no family on his side and some of the guests wondering where the grooms side is.

I remember the other thread too
I'm sorry for you that it's come to this. Your DH knows where he stands withvthem now.
What a shame.
You've done nothing wrong though.

Your dp has nothing to be ashamed of or humiliated by. He has been throroughly let down by his family. They should be ashamed. Anyone who knows will feel compassion and be very proud of his strength.

I also remember your last thread.

I agree they are probably trying to force your hand. Very unfair of them. Your poor DP. They are only making themselves look stupid though.

I hope you and your DP have a lovely wedding day and great marriage.

Also when he's waiting for you, he won't be thinking of them, he'll be excited waiting for you!!

My dad's parents refused to attend his wedding. There had been no argument as such, they had decided they didn't like my mum and didn't want him to get married. On the day, his brother persuaded his dad to come and sit at the back of the church. There was sporadic contact after that but once a year visits were about it. I never really knew them. My mum's mum took my dad on as a son and he was terribly upset when she died. We were pretty happy as a family unit, and he and my mum are still married - he has loved her very much for over 45 years now.

The best method to combat those who seek to manipulate by Ganging up and sulking is to completely allow them to make their decisions and let events play out.

The biggest weapon in all this is yours, if and when people ask "they chose not to attend" is all you need to say.

You and stbh need to decide what to do IF they turn up. Because they will certainly realise what a steaming pile of cunts they will look when the subject is raised. For ever more...

Thanks for your kind wishes. We haven't enjoyed wedding planning the way some couples do!

But we can only make the best of it. I won't forgive them for this. I can't. I'm just sad. And I naively thought once upon a time I could of said I would have nice in laws. But sod em!

DP doesn't think I'm the issue (although I feel like it) his parents would never blame their beloved boy for standing up to them

I don't think there's any way back from this.

Hissy as far as I'm concerned if they turn up they can stand at the back and watch the ceremony- after that they will be told to leave. I wouldn't want a scene in front of guests, photographers and videographers but they are not welcome beyond that. That's me being nice, honestly I wouldn't want them there at all. Too little too late.

I have raised that topic of "What if they do come" to DP but he won't hear of it. He's 100% adamant they won't come, they have formally said they aren't and they have made their choice. He knows his family better than I.