Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Sibling drama

23 replies

Usernamegone · 10/08/2016 09:06

My brother has thrown his toys out the pram I won't let him walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I'm walking myself down the aisle. We are not close. I normally do the 3/4 hour round trip to see him once a month (if he doesn't cancel at the last minute). My bother has been to visit me once in 8 years (and only because I paid for the train ticket) My brother goes batshit as apparently it's his 'right' to walk me down the aisle! Then demanded there be extra wedding cars for the family i.e. Him! Also, expected me to drive a 3/4 hour round trip to pick him up the day before my wedding, apparently IABU expecting him to get a train (or ask for a lift from another guest) I am also apparently BU as there will ONLY be wine and water on the table during the wedding reception for people to drink (not beer) and I am not having a free bar. I am also being UR as I am getting married in a church down the road from where I live. Apparently I should have got married in the city where I grew up despite no other family members living there any more (except him) and have done this purposely to incovienence him!

I haven't heard anything from him since I receive a load of vile messages on FB from his partner which I stopped responding to.

What should I do? It makes me sad that my brother may not come to my wedding. I just want him there to support me as I don't have any other immediate family. It makes me sad that he cannot just come along and wish me a happy day without making demands. I'm thinking about reaching out one final time just before I have to confirm final numbers?

OP posts:

Mellowautumn · 10/08/2016 09:11

Sounds like a total arse and you wedding will be a happier, calmer event without his whinging to be honest

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 10/08/2016 09:11

He's a massive prick. Tell him you really want him to be there and share your special day but that you don't want him to walk you down the aisle or have to pick him up on your wedding day (and anything extra).
If he can't see he's been a bit of a knob then that's his problem.

It's no one's "right" to walk you down the aisle. I didn't ask my dad to do it as I didn't want one man "giving" me to another man. I'm no one's property ffs and since no goats or camels were traded then they don't get to pass me around.

Patterkiller · 10/08/2016 09:15

I would withdraw the invite completely. Imagine the drama and his face tripping his arse up all day.

He sounds like an imature prick and has no right to anything.

MatildaTheCat · 10/08/2016 09:17

He sounds a treat. However, if you want him there can you compromise in some small way such as arranging with the staff to serve him beer at the meal? Can some small role be found for him to make him feel special rather than a routine guest? Is he sitting at the top table if you have one? Perhaps consider booking him a cab on the day.

Not that sure I would bother with any of the above but then I cannot stand tantrums and childish demands.

Shizzlestix · 10/08/2016 09:21

Think I'd tell him to fuck off, quite frankly. If his partner is sending you foul messages, one imagines he's behind them all.

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/08/2016 09:27

Anyone who let their partner send me vile messages would not be coming to my wedding, sibling or no. He's a selfish prick.

If you want him there for your reasons then I would make one or two little concessions as matilda said but it would really piss me off to have to do so!

Original poster

Usernamegone · 10/08/2016 09:29

It would cost £100 for a cab. I don't see why I should do this when it is £14 on the train and the church is a couple of minutes walk from the train station.

Apparently, being part of the bridal party and sitting at the top table is not enough. I won't insist to my DP that he can be an usher as he doesn't like my DP as he will tell my brother to stop harassing/bullying me when he demands money! Apparently according to my brother this means he is abusive as he is stopping me from giving him money - normally after the 10th time I have told him no!

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 10/08/2016 09:30

It's hard as he is a twat but obviously you have an emotional tie to him and he is your only "family" but sometimes friends are better family and at the end of the day your marrying someone who is your closest family now.

If you want to say something just say he can come even if last minute and leave the door open for him. Chances are he will come in the end. Include him in numbers, it's not the end of the world of he doesn't come and they've included him in a seating plan/food prep etc.

Plenty of weddings have empty seats here and there due to illness/emergencies/travel probs etc

MatildaTheCat · 10/08/2016 09:36

So he also hates your dp and harasses you for money? I guarantee this wedding will be a happier occasion without his presence. There will be some sort of unpleasantness if they come.

If he has refused to come just reply you are sad to hear it but understand and take his name off your plans.

Enjoy your day.

mydietstartsmonday · 10/08/2016 09:39

How sad for you, but you can't change him. Tell him he is invited and that you wish he would come but the arrangements stand.

You could offer him to come by train the day before and pay for a hotel for the night.

He can buy a beer at the bar if he really wants to drink a pint with his meal.

Have a great day & congratulations

Hoppinggreen · 10/08/2016 09:41

A shit brother isn't better than none - I speak from experience !!

HouseworkIsASin10 · 10/08/2016 09:46

Don't pander to him, cheeky get! Just let him know the time and venue, if he turns up then ignore any arsing about. If he doesn't turn up then all the better.

Would you make as much effort with him if he wasn't a blood relative? Would you still bend over backwards to please him if he was just a friend who couldn't be arsed with you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2016 09:54

No do not reach out to him again. He will simply throw your kindness back at you. Your brother hates your fiancé, has cancelled on your visiting him more than once and harasses you for cash. You've done more than enough over the years in terms of pandering to him by at all running around at all after him. Say to yourself no more.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different.

Where are your boundaries with regards to him, he thinks you are there to serve him which is characteristic of what narcissists think. These boundaries of yours are way too low and need to be further raised urgently.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 10/08/2016 09:59

Personally I would tell him he's not invited, as it sounds like he's likely to throw a tantrum (or two) on the day and ruin it.

If I ever get married (fat chance, but still!) my sister is not being told about it for this very reason. She hates not being the centre of attention and could not cope with me (and the groom) being the focus of the day. She came to my first graduation and threw two tantrums - one, because she wasn't in the centre of the group photo and the second because she hadn't chosen the restaurant we were eating at.

My mother claims she'd be ok at my wedding if I gave her a special job to do but, quite frankly, why should I? She's nearly 50, not 5.

I know you want your brother there, but I suspect you'll regret it if he does come.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 10/08/2016 13:20

No, your "family duty" to him is done. You are not a renewable resource for him to continuously order about/provide ego supply/degrade you,etc. You do not owe him anything. You seriously do not need such an antagonistic person at your wedding much less the top table! Withdraw the invitation. Maybe he will stop talking to you: result! ...and feel the relief.

HandbagCrazy · 10/08/2016 13:36

Please don't reach out to him. If you do, it's as though you're begging him to attend you me wedding, and you will be hyper aware of him on the day, trying to ensure he behaves.

I would send one final message along the lines of 'I am looking forward to my wedding day and want to be surrounded by people who are happy for me. As you are unhappy with the arrangements I have made, you do not have to come. I will rearrange the top table and you will no longer be included in the plans' and leave it at that.

Original poster

Usernamegone · 10/08/2016 22:09

Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm not going to do anything for the next few weeks I have a lot on a work and I need to focus on that. I simply have no spare time or energy to spend on him.

I do think my brother is a narc as he cant stand anyone else being the centre of attention and the frequent strops/disowning/threats when I don't fall into line.

I don't think he will ever be the brother I want him to be which I am slowly realising. It's almost like a grieving process in a way but I can't change him and make him be supportive and happy for me. However, soon I will be gaining a DH and hopefully in the future DCs

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 11/08/2016 09:53

Sounds very sensible OP
I went nc with my father 12 years ago mad my brother 4 years ago. I did go through a grieving process each time but I realised that the person I was grieving for didn't actually exist in the first place - I was missing having A father and A brother, not the unpleasant people they actually were.
Enjoy your wedding and the rest of your life x

Original poster

Usernamegone · 03/09/2016 13:07

I didn't contact my brother or reply to the vile messages. I have not heard from them for the last two and a half months. They have not made a single phone call or message or email to me.

I get up at 5am to go to work and there is a message on my brothers Facebook stating that he is really upset that his only sister is happy not to have contact with him. That he only offered to help with the wedding (there was no offers of help at all only demands for stuff he wanted) and his only wish is for me to have a consistent relationship with his daughter. I did not reply.

Then the next day there is a passive aggressive message on his partners FB page along the lines of if you can't be bothered to have a relationship with my children don't make your excuses and come crawling back later. I did not reply.

This is my brother who has only been to see me once in 8 years (I paid for the train ticket) and who never calls me unless he wants money (he doesn't pick up the phone or respond to texts if he doesn't need money from me). I don't call making a 200 mile round trip to see his daughter every month 'not giving a shit' unless he cancels at the last minute. He has not bothered to make contact with me for the past 2.5 months but he has a mobile and wifi in his house.

Don't know whether to ignore or call him and ask if he is coming to my wedding or not. If I disinvite him (or don't contact him) then it will fuel his poor me victim mentality. However, all my family have seen the messages and I expect there will be words!

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 03/09/2016 13:12

Unfriend him on Facebook. He will ramp up the passive aggressive "oooh poor me" shit before your wedding date, I can guarantee that.

BolshierAryaStark · 03/09/2016 13:18

Don't answer any of the messages, delete & block him. Childish pathetic fucker
I wouldn't contact him either tbh, any of your family that take his side can be told to do one.
Your wedding is your special day, do not let any of this bullshit taint it.

THirdEeye · 03/09/2016 13:23

If you think unfriending is too much which it is not, then simply unfollow them instead. This way these passive/aggressive posts won't appear on your newsfeed.

IMO, you are making all the effort and he does nothing. He may well be family, but it doesn't give him the right to treat you so appallingly. If he does go to the wedding, he will only ruin it.

kittybiscuits · 03/09/2016 13:30

You are right. I know it's hard to trust yourself because he does not have a grip on reality and believes his own lies, but you know what you have done to maintain the relationship and it's more than enough. He is not in touch with reality and has no plans to do anything about that. For your own well-being, please just step right back.

Flip