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Relationships

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Original poster

Crying after dates

21 replies

summerissad · 10/08/2016 00:07

Regular poster but namechanged as mortified a little embarassed.

Ive been seeing a lovely man since the middle of June and he's great. Lovely personality, same values, ambitious, funny, kind, sexy, the works. Quite a bit younger than me at 34 to my 48 but he's a father and seems mature. He's single as am I and has been for 3 years as have I.

Weve had about a dozen dates so far and keep in touch by text & phone daily. We have a great time together; we laugh and talk, eat and drink, watch movies, go out and have great sex.

The thing is though that after we part, I feel, Im not sure, anxious and then a little sad and then upset and finally, after about 2 hours I end up sobbing and Ive no idea why. It stops after about half an hour. It feels like it did when a teenage boyfriend finished with me years ago! I dont understand as Im not too good with emotions (on the spectrum). Is this normal? Am I lovesick or something? I feel besotted with him certainly and think he's very keen on me so dont get why I feel like this. I just feel so sad when we part and Im nirmally relieved to be on my own after company as i like my own space.

OP posts:

onadaylikethis · 10/08/2016 00:11

Could it be just a bit of a come down after the lovely time you have had perhaps or hormonal?

Original poster

summerissad · 10/08/2016 00:18

I reslly dont know - its never happened with anyone else and Ive dated A LOT

I just feel ... abandoned and bereft ... like when my parents died. I cant eat either which is unusual. I just want to hug him and never let him go which is so unlike me. He unsettles me so much and I feel so shy around him too and normally Im very confident. It's so odd.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 10/08/2016 00:23

I wonder whether it's the age gap that is concerning you? It would worry me. Sorry, everyone, I know there are successful age gap relationships and that some of you will come on to tell the OP about your successful age gap relationships. But, I think, if I were 48 with a boyfriend of 34, I would in my heart of hearts know that though we could have a good few years, we probably wouldn't grow old together.

Original poster

summerissad · 10/08/2016 00:28

Yes Hedda you could be right there. I like him so much but I know deep down it's not a long term relationship. I coukd be mourning the loss of possibilities.

OP posts:

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 10/08/2016 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redorangeyellowgreenblue · 10/08/2016 00:38

I don't see age gap as a big deal at all. Maybe when you feel like your about to get upset give him a ring instead x

Original poster

summerissad · 10/08/2016 00:48

Yes it could be the build up and no, i dont see anyone else so yes, all the focus is on him.

I clearly need to get a grip.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/08/2016 06:56

Is it um very intense sex? Sounds like drop.

CathFromCooberPedy · 10/08/2016 07:05

I used to feel that way when dh and l parted. Do you already know when you'll see each other next? That helped with my sadness (l can't explain it either!)

But l knew the moment l saw dh he was the one, it really was love at first drunken sight

TheNaze73 · 10/08/2016 07:28

I think it's because you may have some over reliance on him as others have said. It's only been a dozen dates, so may be different when things start to settle down. Hope it all works out

Sootica · 10/08/2016 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

summerissad · 10/08/2016 09:37

category12 no, it's not intense at all. Even though I fancy the pants off him, I never climax which is weird as never had a problem with previous bfs. I do take beta-blockers for anxiety before I see him though as without, I'm just a jibbering wreck. Again, never had this problem with other men (not that bothered about them to be honest but love sex normally and very 'up for it'

I don't know when we'll see each other again as it depends when he has his son and what shifts he's working.

Regarding others. I have another iron in the fire who I haven't met but have known 'virtually' for about 5 years. We sext we are meeting this week. I have another two irons who I meet occassionally and keep in touch with (they are exes - one of whom was the most amazing sex of my life and I never felt like this with him).

No, he never stays the night due to working late and having his son. I never thought to ask though. He mentioned it at the beginning and I can't remember why I didn't let him - probably nerves!

OP posts:

DCITennison · 10/08/2016 13:21

What made you decide to meet this online guy after 5 years, when you're now seeing someone you're besotted with? That jumps out at me as a strange move.

Re your anxiety and tears with this man, im inclined to think there's something not quite right with how you feel when with him. Could be he's not actually so nice, or maybe he is lovely but you feel out of your depth/intimidated/insecure?

HotNatured · 10/08/2016 15:42

This all sounds incredibly unhealthy. He doesn't stay over? You take beta blockers before you see him? The sex isn't intense? The sex should be intense in a healthy loving relationship, some of the time at least (nothing wrong with a quick shag either of course).

It sounds as if this guy is giving you reason to feel sad and unsettled. Never staying over after sex would make me feel empty and used. Where is the intimacy?

I would be extricating myself from this 'relationship' sharpish. It's not doing your mental health any good AT ALL.

womanwithoutasong · 14/08/2016 15:29

DCITennison I'm not sure but I think it's because he sounds exciting and looks great (in pictures anyway). We're always told not to put all our eggs in one basket with men just in case they disappear so I think I'm just spreading the risk. Yes, he is lovely, has morals, isn't a show-off (is modest), kind, etc. but yes, I do feel intimidated by him and deffinitely insecure.

HotNatured We talk long (2 -3 hours) after the sex is over, he doesn't just get up and go. I don't think he's a 'touchy feely' type though although he says he likes a hug. Maybe I should ask him if he'd like to stay over. I never thought of that.

WingsofNylon · 15/08/2016 12:13

Maybe it's just the beta blockers wearing off?

ConformationFart · 15/08/2016 12:23

a) I think it's your age, not his. Possibly peri-menopausal so hormones messing with your head.
b) if you are having to take medication before meeting up I don't think you are
ready for one relationship never mind in dabbling in possibly another 3.
c) keeping eggs in one basket sounds like a much better idea that irons in fires that will possibly lead to burnt fingers.

MackerelOfFact · 15/08/2016 12:40

Have you had the 'exclusive' chat yet? Are you feeling guilt because you know you're into each other yet you are keeping your options open, sexting and meeting these other guys? In your shoes I imagine I would feel pretty crap and anxious/panicky/upset about doing that... especially just after you've seen him and you're leaving that bubble and possibly about to resume things with the other men.

I think I would have to clarify the boundaries, and whether it was a serious relationship with nothing on the side, or if it was a bit of fun - and adjust your expectations accordingly.

Mintychoc1 · 15/08/2016 12:45

I can relate to this a bit, in the early stages of relationships, especially when I don't know for certain when our next date will be. I look forward to it, get excited about, get ready etc, have a really lovely time, then feel very flat and low when it's over. I don't actually cry but I definitely feel very down.

I think the early stages of a relationship can be quite tough when you really like someone - so many unknowns, so many hopes, trying to stay grounded but sometimes getting carried away with dreams - all a very emotional time.

For me it doesn't stay like this - it gradually subsides as the relationship gets more serious and more stable.

PassTheSatsumas · 15/08/2016 13:53

OP - can I reccommend a book to you

It's calked 'loving him without losing you'

Might help re the anxiety/understanding how you are feeling

IreallyKNOWiamright · 15/08/2016 14:44

Sounds like maybe the medication is making you feel emotional. I think you should speak with your gp because otherwise you might make some rash decisions you will end up regretting. It sounds like you just need time for you rahter than dating if you feel anxious. He could be picking up on it too!!

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