What would you do?

[Dolphins23]

I don’t know where to start really, I'm married with 2 kids, one of them is my husbands. I don't really have anyone to talk about, I have low confidence. I’m wondering if this is abuse or just me being silly. but here’s a few things that my husband does:
When he’s mad he will take my phone & iPad and hide it
I started work 6 months ago and I'm on a zero hour contract so hardly get any hours, when I do he says I'm abandoning them, to quit work cuz we don't need the money because he earns more, everytime he gets paid he shoves his wage slip at me and says look how much I earn, that's triple what you get a week. Saying my job is just like being at home babysitting ( I'm a care assistant) so it's not a proper job.
Whilst we’re out he’s saying things to me like your too slow, I’ll watch the kids shall I whilst I’m trying to look at things, just complaining at everything and anything possible, the side I walk on, where I walk, if I slip behind, if I go to fast etc. kicks off if I plan to go anywhere or if somebody asks us to go somewhere he kicks off saying we don’t do anything that he wants, nothing’s ever for him, (even kicked off for me planning for us all go cinema for my sons birthday), and nothing’s about him ever, won’t go on day trips with us because apparently the kids aren’t behaved. There’s a lot more things. But now things started with my son, he tells him to shut up his voice goes through him, shouts so loud at him for anything, slaps his legs, annoys my son loads and then when my son reacts to it he flips out on him for answering back, he won’t let my son play properly just tells him to tidy up, when my son plays with our daughter he tells him to leave her alone or when son tells our daughter to stop doing something he shouts at our son saying he’s not her parents and that we are. Constantly tells him to shut up, and calls him naughty all the time when he really isn’t. Calls him horrible names etc.When I try to tell him to leave my son alone I get shouted at, phones taken off me. When I say we’re not working out etc and I want us to not be together, he restrains me, takes my things, gets abusive I’m too scared to say anything again, I don’t want to get hurt. I just want to escape, he won’t leave and I don’t no where to go. He doesn’t see that he’s doing anything wrong at all, I have to pretend everything’s okay. Please can some one advise me? Thanks

He's assaulting your son and you. Report him to the police.

If my husband hit my child I don't know how I could restrain myself.
Unless your son was about to run under a bus and it was shock there is no excuse.
Please do what others have said and contact WA. Have you friends or family you could lean on? Sorry if I missed that

op he is mentally abusing your son. He is trying to break him down - to feel confused and worthless - just like he has done with you.

He will have his own differnt head fuck for his daughter - she won't go untouched.

Phone women's Aid tomorow. If you can't do this for you do it for your son before he is too damaged

Please take heed of this advice, you are not over analysing this or creating a drama over nothing.. this sounds like the start of things going really bad. Yes could have a huge impact on your son if you stay.

take a ruck sack full of underwear and toiletries and passports. Walk out the door with your children and go to your police station and tell them you need to go to a refuge
This ^ . At the earliest possibility. You and your son are being abused.

sending you a huge hug, you sound so drained from it all. xxxx

Thank you all for your advice, Again today has wound me up, I was in bed, he was already up, he came up to me to check if I was awake, he kept pestering for sex, I didn't want to (hardly ever feel up to it) I said I wasn't feeling too good and he went in a right mood and snatched my phone off charge and took it down with him. Had to sweet talk to get it back! I then asked if he could take us to a sand pit for the kids to play. He refused because if I wasn't up for having sex then I shouldn't want to go anywhere else. And accused me of sleeping around etc. I'm trying to get myself to contact women's aid, but I'm so shy, I hardly phone people, I have anxiety and have panics when I'm about to pick up the phone, I really don't no how to start the conversation, I always have to write down the start of the conversation before I phone but I'm really stuck on how to start it. Can anyone give me advise on how to start the conversation etc or what happened after you phoned them? Thank you all, you are all giving the strength and boost I need

op he is awful.

If you ring up and say 'hello, I need help leaving my Dh' they will take it from there. They would have had thousands Of women with anxiety and scared calling them - they will fully trained in this.

I think your anxiety will get a whole lot better when you leave.

op you have to do this for your son.

Definitely a bully and I only know this as I am living with one (minus the hitting). Who the fuck does he think he is telling that he doesn't like the way you walk down the road! And hitting your son. He wont change and the longer you stay the more he will think he can get away with. Stay on MN as much as possible, I only posted about my situation this weekend and have received such great support. If nothing else you know you are not on your own and there are good people rooting for you. I am planning on leaving the marriage, I have become so anxious that it is affecting my physical health. You are tired because you watch every move you make. No-one is put on this earth to tolerate that shit. I am feeling exactly the same as you so am not preaching, I wish I could do what I am telling you to do which is get rid. I will do it and I know you will too. Keep your chin up. Xxx

Bloody hell, if I could, I would phone them for you!

He is ABUSING your child. Child abuse. And you too. You really must summon up the strength from somewhere to contact WA and get yourself and your poor defenceless dc away from this vile man.

How old is your ds? He is having an absolutely shit childhood that will wreck him probably for the rest of his life if you allow this to continue.

Please, please, be strong and call WA.

Also OP, I rang WA and I have no violence. They were really lovely, they don't minimise what you say or make you feel foolish. I felt like i was wasting their time as I wasn't being hit. She said alot of people don't ring because of that the abuse just gets worse. Ring them, they are very nice but also very practical. You can do this, we can do this!

Say that first line..

"I need help leaving dh"

That's all.

Then they will lead with questions & you answer them

They'll take the lead, they deal with lots of situations like yours so will be so understanding & kind with you.

Let us know when you've made the call.

They'll be so helpful.. Take the first tiny steps

0808 2000 247

xxx thinking of you

You can do it, Dolphins.

They will understand OP.

I understand. I've been there, and I understand that it's really hard to get the sentence out.

Pestering you for sex is another form of abuse.

If it's awkward, just say ''he's em, an em, sex pest'' and it doesn't matter how nervously you say it, they will understand how awful it is for you.

Don't worry about sandpits. Worry about getting out.

One day you'll be able to buy your own fekking sandpit! ykwim? you won't be reliant on the mercies of a financially, verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive man.

Yes, I'm rooting for you. I'm not pressuring you. I'm just really hoping that you take that step.

Hi all, thank you for your continued support.

He's just pushing my limits everyday now, last night I got in bed and curled up as I was frozen so he snatched my phone off charge and hid it and he wouldn't let me go sleep because he wanted sex and a cuddle, he kept on bouncin the bed, makin noises, takin the quilt off me etc so I've only had few hours sleep :( this mornin I had go work, he turned off the alarm clock without waking me up, so I got up late! Had half hour to get ready and be there! He said oh well it's not me going be late is it. I got up and he just lay there in bed and wouldn't move, I said can you get up and sort our daughter please as I'm in a rush now. He said no, I'm waiting for something (sex) I said well that won't be happening I need to go now, came back home from a meeting just he sayin That took me long enough! And started call me nasty because I won't do nothin (sex etc) and he's got go work in a min.

I'm exhausted from it all :( and not been able to talk to anyone building it all up inside. So glad I've got you lot on here so I can talk :)

Soooo I will be making that phone call as soon as he's out the door for work!! Thank you all!!!!!!

Can I just say, there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want sex with somebody who bullies you, controls you, puts you down, is verbally, financially and emotionally abusive to you. The fact that you don't often ''feel like sex'' is your soul standing up and saying get your fucking mitts off me. Your body is your own. Listen to that revulsion you feel.

So anyway, that rant aside, he's at work now! Hooray!

That feeling you get when they walk out the door and you get a few hours peace is beautiful. BUT it's dovetailed cruelly by the sound of the key in the door.

I am really really rooting for you to make that call. Don't worry too much about stuff. Just photos.

I don't want to out myself totally but I basically left with nothing. No posessions, just passports and inititally it was weird, knowing that there were clothes of mine, books of mine, cups and knick knacks in his house, but it was also liberating to just let go of it all and build up from scratch... Suffice to say now there is nothing I think of now that is in his house. within a very short time there was nothing I missed so badly that I wished I'd taken it with me. Possessions would have weighed me down at that point.

But look, I don't want to tell you what to do! I just want to reassure you that if it comes to it, 'stuff' is really UNimportant. Get your freedom. Sort out the admin. Talk to the various agencies who are there to help. Be really honest with them about all of the worst things that he's put you through. The inclination to protect these miserable arseholes continues but be honest and LET IT ALL OUT

Looking forward to your update. Will be checking back in a few hours.

I think a pp summed it up well upthread

"I need help leaving my H'

You could tell them that he wouldn't let you leave. He won't allow you to charge your phone. He confiscates your phone. He bullies you in to sex. he hits your son. They will get the FULL measure of the situation from that mere snapshot of what you're going through. I know that only touches the iceberg.

Well done op your new life will be starting soon '

You need to ger him out of your house. If he hits your son again call the police.

Can you leave some stuff at work?

Are you in work now?

I can't leave my stuff at work.

I've not long finished work, so now he's gone work. a friend has asked me to meet up for a coffee now so going to have a chat with her see if she can keep some stuff for me. She knows a tiny bit of what's goin on, maybe I'll explain a it more so she can help more.

op make sure you call WA as they will help you out a plan in place and what to do in an emergency. Being prepared like this will make things so much easier.

I'd more inclined to get the phone call out of the way first then meet your friend otherwise that phone call might be pushed on to tomorow ect ..

Start thinking logistically.
but no need to super plan.
Just grab passports and go.

Who looks after your kids while you work if he's out at work every weekday?

Also, it used to be part of your rental contract ( when in social/council housing) that domestic violence would not be tolerated

If so, he's on breech of contract. They could enforce this and have him removed

That's what I meant I was goin to do, I rang them before and after I went out loads of times, but got no answer :(. But I keep tryin, I can't leave a voicemail as I don't no when my husband will be back so don't want to risk it. But I am keep on trying

My husband has the kids whilst I'm at work, I work around his shifts so when he's here I'm at work, when he's at work, I'm Home.

Oh that's useful to know, I'll look for the contact book I had!