How to split up...

[amammabear]

Can anyone help me? I need to be careful what I say as we're in a fairly unique situation so I don't want to identify myself. We've been together a long time, since teenagers and I'm in my thirties now, we have children, I have disabilities and my husband works away midweek.

A lot has happened over the years and we haven't actually had a relationship for years, but he's still here and the kids don't know any different. I left it like this as I felt it was best for the kids, and I thought I'd never get the chance to have a relationship with anyone else anyway, so why should my kids suffer, but I can't carry on any more and I want to divorce.

The thing is though, if he couldn't keep coming here at weekends to see the children, he wouldn't be able to have them as he doesn't have a home where he works, and with my disabilities, it would be difficult to move them to and from him. So I don't know what to do.

How can we divorce and split our finances (tax credits etc) and him still visit at weekends? Also, on what grounds could we actually divorce?

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, I really don't know what I'm doing.

Bump

Could anyone give any advice?

Would he be staying overnight at weekends?

For divorce grounds if there's no abuse, cheating, unreasonable behaviour etc, I think you have to have lived apart for more than 2 years (if he agrees to divorce) and more than 5 years if he doesn't agree. May be wrong though

He would be staying over, but not sharing a room. How do they define unreasonable behavior?

Unreasonable behaviour is when he does things a judge would deem unreasonable for u to live with. Drink /drugs /mental/ verbal /physical abuse. U literally have to list a dozen examples and a solicitor puts it to a judge to approve. Or 2 years for irretrievable breakdown if both agree. No blame just marriage dead. U can be in the same house and file for divorce. Just agree a date you are 'separated'.

"You"!!

Sorry

I'd say that it was irretrievable four years ago. So on that basis we could divorce straight away if he agreed could we? Even though he's only leaving the house now?

I consider his behaviour unreasonable, but no idea if I could convince a judge of that.

I would have thought the logistics of separating and parenting were more pushing than the actual status of divorce?

I'm looking at everything.

Especially as I have no income of my own, I need to work out how to go about things so that me and the children will survive, as well as ensuring he's still able to spend time with them- he can't take them to where he is midweek.

I believe that although you'd say it's been irritreiveble for the last 4 years as you haven't actually separated you'll
Have to wait for 2. Unless unreasonable behaviour, adultury or another factor?

Like I say, I'd consider it unreasonable behaviour, and he would've left four years ago if I hadn't stored stopped him, but whether that's enough for a court or not...

That would depend on the unreasonable behaviour.
What does he do that you consider unreasonable?
Cheating.
Emotional abuse
Physical abuse
Financial abuse
Controlling behaviour
Isolating behaviour
Aggressive behaviour

If it is due to abuse then have a look on the Womens Aid site.
You can have a look at what constitutes abuse and go from there.

Why can't he get his own place?
Why would he have to stay with you at weekends?

He probably could, but that will take time, I dread to think the sort of situation that would leave us financially. I've found a good site with information about unreasonable behaviour.

So these are the things I can think of that we need to sort out.

Accommodation
Insurance for cars
Tax credits
Child benefit
Apple account
Tv subscriptions
School

Our phone contracts are separate, and no bills here have his name on. I have no tenancy our mortgage to worry about...

There must be more that I need to sort though that I haven't thought of, does anyone have ideas?. Sorry if this seems cold, being practical is the only way I can keep my emotions in check.

So these are the things I can think of that we need to sort out.

Accommodation
Insurance for cars
Tax credits
Child benefit
Apple account
Tv subscriptions
School

Our phone contracts are separate, and no bills here have his name on. I have no tenancy our mortgage to worry about...

There must be more that I need to sort though that I haven't thought of, does anyone have ideas?. Sorry if this seems cold, being practical is the only way I can keep my emotions in check.

He will need to redirect mail (if he lives elsewhere)
Electoral register
Contact the council so you get single persons discount
Any shared credit or store cards?
You should inform the school

Next of kin issues such as wills, death-in-service benefits, pension recipients etc.

Joint bank accounts?

You need to physically separate, then financially separate (solicitor or mediator can help). The divorce part doesn't really matter unless you're desperate to re-marry.

Gosh, thank you. So many things I hadn't thought of.

I'm hoping to manage to do everything ourselves, so I think the best way to do things formally would be divorce from what I've read. I'm also worried that he might change his mind and stop wanting to cooperate if I leave it.

The unreasonable behaviour cited can be relatively mild, although you'd need 5 or 6 instances of it, and it should have happened within the last 6 months I think, technically. And the courts are not in the business of keeping people married against their will.

I should update, he actually left yesterday, I wasn't expecting him to initiate it, but there we go. I've been in the process of trying to sort financial stuff out.

Well it's good that he's gone.
I bet it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
So now you need to get practical.
If you need any guidance then just ask away.