Ok, my first down and dirty personal thread here.
As per title, am currently 12 wks with dc2. Dc1 is 3.5.
Sorry, all this is long, but relevant to my question, so I've tried to condense.
Both DH and I are survivors of toxic families. Both of us have one parent who is a fairly extreme narc. As a result, our behaviours and boundaries in certain areas are not as healthy as I think they could be. I am in the process of going NC with my narc parent, DH went NC with his just after Dc1 was born.
We have always had a tricky relationship, but this has been much more so since dc1 was born. DH's upbringing was very abusive and neglectful, and his parents separated when he was young. His toxic parent then proceeded to totally trash the other one in front of DH, impede access of other parent to their children (DH and siblings), withhold maintenance and generally play silly buggers. DH has an OK relationship with other parent, but poor communication between them.
DH has extremely poor communication skills, low empathy, and almost no conflict resolution skills. He cannot really do closeness or intimacy, and our sex life is very strained. He is classic avoidant, unless given no option but to confront, when he switches to classic DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender) tactics. He dismisses an awful lot of what I say and feel, however big or small, without stopping to think about it. He can be appallingly callous and it can take years for him to retain information that matters to me - even down to the mundane, eg what food I like. He is extremely judgemental and blames me frequently for my feelings. He provides very little emotional support and this has been very hard won and after much argument, pleading and explanations from me. He does provide excellent financial and practical support (finally!) and is doing more than his 50% of the domestic stuff at the moment.
I feel as though he is mirroring the behaviours of his toxic parent in our relationship, and that this is causing me to mirror some of those from my childhood and upbringing. He particularly undermines me in front of our (very observant, sensitive) dc1. What has prompted this post are a few recent incidents where if I object to how he treats me in front of our dc, dc has started telling me to leave DH alone, or similar. Naturally Dc is hearing my upset tone and picking up on his blame of me for the situation, but is not old enough to really understand why I might have reasonable grounds for being upset. He will also undermine boundaries I'm trying to set with dc and even if we agree on how to handle things, he will go back or change his plan. He is deeply uncomfortable with any strong emotions, especially anger, and pacifies and gives in to our dc's tantrums far more than I do. If I am angry or upset he will blame me or avoid me, which makes me more upset.
I feel generally as though I'm being constantly positioned as the bad cop with our dc, who (while extremely emotional and demanding in this respect) I am very close to and adore. This makes me feel frightened as I fear it is starting to damage my relationship with DC, who plays us off against each other. If I on a rare occasion get cross with DC, DH swoops in and acts as though I have done something terrible (sometimes without stopping to check what the situation actually is), and DC I know notices this and blames me too. I have a temper when pushed (violence is my trigger especially, and DC is being very violent at the moment) but I work really hard to govern this and I rarely lose my temper with DC and shout. I have had to restrain them as they are very strong and can really hurt me. DH has backed me up about half the time, but the remaining half will make his judgement and criticism of me very clear, in front of DC.
DH sought counselling a few months back after years of requests from me, but I gather it focused more on his childhood than how his behaviour is affecting us now as a couple. He isn't going currently and doesn't plan to return.
I'm used to feeling unvalued, judged and distant from him, but I value my relationship with my DC too highly to watch him damage it like this. I think I've done all I can but he will never trust me or give me the benefit of the doubt, and he doesn't seem capable of parenting as a team. I'm seriously considering leaving. Is this possible and sensible to do in this situation and pregnant? My DC absolutely adores him. He may be right - and she would be better off with him?
Apologies for length, thanks for reading.