Is she telling me our friendship has reached the end?

[yummymummycleo]

I am rubbish at reading people and I am very good at reading too much into things and being over sensitive so wanted a neutral view on this.

I have been best friends with A for 12 years. we ve always had the sort of friendship where we see each other a few times a year and only send the odd text in between. But when we do see each other it's like we saw each other only yesterday. We get on well and have a laugh, likewise with our dhs. She's always been super busy and is quite rubbish at staying in touch. She's a very practical, matter of fact and capable person who gets on with things. At times I ve felt like I ve annoyed her as she's not been in touch so long and when I ve tried to ring her for a chat there's no reply and no call back or acknowledgement.

Previously if I ve bought this up she's reassured me she values our friendship and something had been going on in her life which has then made me feel guilty for questioning her and has reassured me until the next time! She says she hasn't spoken to other friends for over a year so know it's not just me but she manages to ring other friends to make sure they stay in contact and has suggested nights out to them on Facebook.

However, recently I have become more and more frustrated by this, she's meant to be my best friend but I feel like she doesn't care about my life at all. She was my bridesmaid and we went on holiday together and with my dh and her dh Pre-kids. But it's all effort on my part. She lives fairly locally and is on maternity leave but no requests to meet up, text replies are one word answers and no questions about my life. Recently I heard her dd had been ill so sent a msg asking if all ok, no reply. Yesterday I sent a msg as it was a key event in her life and all I got was a thanks. She didn't bother to come abs visit after I had dc2 until I voiced how upset I was at her lack of effort. Her response to the news of the sex of dc2 was that's nice!

I admit I am not that great either and so on reflection I guess the friendship has gone a funny way considering she's meant to be my best friend. We don't ring each other or know about each other's lives on a regular basis , even though I d like to.

Do you think it sounds like this friendship has run its course? Maybe I am being over sensitive ? I am upset as she's my oldest friend and I do struggle with friendships and don't have loads so I am reluctant to let it go, I always end up feeling there's something wrong with me and that's why people aren't bothered by me.

Dh thinks I should call her and see what her reaction is or not to stress about it and just tell her how I feel, the thing is I ve done this before and she doesn't change , she won't change. I end up accepting her reasons and ferlkng stupid. I know what she ll say but I ll end up feeling like this again in 6 months time.

Has the friendship run its course?

Agree with "Don't throw this friendship away because it's not fitting your idealistic picture"

Keep texting occasionally. FB message so your name sits in recent active list and she may respond when on FB.

Off you dump friend then you lose. So what's to lose making extra effort to try meet her again and enjoy that - however frustrating her aloof behaviour is.

I think accepting her attitude to / lack of investment in you is causing you pain.
Some people might be quite OK with this demotion, by her, of your friendship. You say you are doing all the running in this friendship now, and, she knows who you are / were, as you were once close. If she actually thought about her behaviour would she know it was hurtful to you? I suspect she would.
So act or don't act? The advice here has been almost universally, don't act, just wait and see, or disinvest yourself. Which is OK , if you can do that, and yet you clearly cant, which I think shows a really good level of self esteem!
So I guess you either need to confront her, or end it.
Although confrontation takes courage, at least it opens up a possibility of understanding what's going on, and making things better. Accepting an uneven friendship would just build resentment which will kill the friendship eventually anyway.

Someone ought to write a book about friendships - because they're complicated and need high level skills imo.

Which I've never quite managed, frankly - who has? ONly the super-light seem to manage it. Or, perhaps, those entirely comfortable in their own skin. That is, people who don't, ultimately, need people.

I have many friends who are like your friend. I hold them very loosely. We have a great time when we do meet. I may privately grumble that 1. they don't value friendship, are not prepared to do the work and 2. feel like a book on a shelf and 3. it's all on their terms. It's my choice if that's a deal I'm prepared to facilitate. I'm not a fly-by-night friend who has friends like a fashion accessory that fit the moment. That sounds bitter lol but it's just where I'm coming from - there's nothing 'wrong' with you if you are this type of person. Your husband says you weren't there for your friend when she went through a rough time - but you say you texted and went to the funeral. You ticked all the boxes.

I'm not sure about the best friends thing tbh. Some people seem to have the knack but they both need to be on the same page. Your friend isn't. If you can manage it, don't drop her. But accept she's not on the same page as you. She's the type who won't respond well to you making demands on her - your choice if you are prepared to accept that.

btw when I back off with friends like this (eg don't come running when they deign to give me their time) they can suddenly become all alert and urgent to see me...

Not unlike romantic relationships tbf. Like I said, high-level skills required. And, like romantic relationships, if you have to employ finely-tuned skills they're not, ultimately, your bag. No matter, you can have a good time when you do get together, but you're not best buds.

I have 'old', long-term, friends who I hold onto precisely because we've been friends for an age. But I put up with some difficult stuff sometimes in order to keep the friendship. My choice.

Bloody hell, bit of a character assassination there from your husband!

I think you need to forget the "best friend" thing. It is an ideal that rarely translates well into adulthood as people's lives become busier and more complicated. As soon as children come along the dynamics have to change so much. I can understand how it seems hurtful but I think she is still your friend. I wouldn't confront her. She just seems to see friendships differently to you and not as a priority which it okay.

Thanks for advice. I just feel sad as I ve always counted her as my best friend which I guess is laughable. I ve always craved that closeness with friends but found it hard to maintain. I don't seem to meet people who feel the same or already have it with someone else. For some reason it is something I seem to strive for which I guess I need to try and let go of. By accepting she isn't a best friend makes me feel friendless I guess as I ve always thought atleast I have one true friend who would be there if the shit hits the fan. I suppose I feel upset I don't have that . I have no other friends I ve known as long.

It does upset me how she is which is what makes me feel like I should cut this friendship now as it makes me feel rubbish. But at the same time I know your responses are right. I am not going to confront her. I ve mentioned it before and she's always justified it with one reason or another which has then made me feel silly/guilty for bringing it up and have thought her reason was valid. Then she's always said she does value our friendship and told me she hasn't spoken to x,y and z for over a year so I ve thought, ok it's not just me. But then she's exactly the same afterwards and so it continues. She knows how I feel but continues not to make the effort. It's only the last couple of years her texts have been so blunt with one word answers which have made me feel like she doesn't even care.

I guess the only thing is to leave it with her and see if she contacts me . It rings true that I ve always been available and responded straight away when she has contacted me so think I will take my time this time. I hate playing games though, I feel real friends shouldn't have to.

Oh and I guess I need to make a decision whether I am willing to carry on the friendship on these terms.

Hello OP. After reading this I felt obliged to write. There are striking similarities to my own friendship groups. I guess you could call me 'A' in most cases. I have a few friends that contact me by text / call and I don't answer or text back (usually as I'm doing something at the time). It does cross my mind from time to time as to how they can put up wth me and often wonder why they bother. That being said I do realise how lucky I am and feel grateful that they do. The truth is, I have so much going on that I just don't have time or the inclination. Maybe your friend is of a similar disposition. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you or value your friendship it's just circumstances change and she might just like the fact you can not speak for a while and things are still the same. To me that's what I see as a true friendship. I don't need to be communicating constantly but my friends no if there was a problem I would be there in a heart beat. I wouldn't say your friendship is 'done'. Why don't you just wait and see how long it takes for her to contact you and enjoy your life up until that point! Don't waste time on negative thinking