Stay comfortable but sexless for now or leave?

[ReySkywalker]

If I wasn't in a sexless marriage with him I would think DH is amazing.
My parents, sisters and friends adore him and how he takes such good care of us.
We live in his home country and we have 2 DC, one 8 and one 2.
I am a SAHM and he does more than half of housework, I get a lie in every second day, I get to go to evening activities twice a week and encouraged to go out whenever I like.
We're not rolling in money but he recently got a bit of inheritance from an aunt. He wants to spend half on the mortgage and the rest towards my going back to college and finishing my degree - dropped out of college years ago due to mental health issues and he knows it's one of my biggest regrets.
He is lovely to my family, genuinely likes them and would do anything for them.
He's truly a great father, all his time is spent on me or the kids, building cubby house with them, reading, playing, volunteering at their school.

But, we're never intimate. We've had sex 5 times in the last 2 years since our youngest was born and before that it wasn't any better. Apart from the first 3 months of our relationship, we'd be lucky to average once every 6 weeks. I'm only 33, he's 40. I can't go on living in forced celibacy. I've talked and talked to him about it over the last ten years and he's said he'll go to the doctors but he hasn't. He now tells me he's always had low libido but the first few years he said there was nothing wrong, making me feel it was me.

I get so sad when I see genuine affection in other couples and so jealous when I hear of their healthy sex lives.

I keep fit and relatively attractive and have a healthy sex drive and I'm heartbroken thinking I'll never be wanted or kissed or have passionate sex again in my life - because of his choice to not bother go to the doctors.

In my soul I know I have to leave, we're mismatched in an essential part and it won't get better but my question is this (after all that)

Would it be terrible to stay until my degree is finished and I'm in a job earning enough to give my kids an equal life to what they have now?

I'm not a citizen and if I left now, I couldn't finish my degree (wouldn't be eligible for student loan)

I feel guilty & selfish thinking this way but other times I get quite angry at his selfishness - he loves the way our life is and being sexless suits him, he can see how upset it makes me and only says he'll change when he sees I'm at the end of my tether, then 2 months later it's back to how it was. I feel tricked

I don't think OPs thinking I'll get him to pay for my degree I'm off. Getting the degree helps DH as it gives him final time to get help, and the DCs will always be better off having two higher earner parents.

I'm a man who lived in a sexless relationship - as in totally without any form of intimacy other than holding hands and a kiss goodnight - for four years following five years of very infrequent intimacy from my then partner. First year was great but as soon as I moved in, it dropped off. Assumed it was her stress at work (no kids) but eventually realised it wasn't just that. Tried to talk about it, always put off. Eventually she admitted she had always had a very low libido but had plenty of sex when we were getting together to "snare me" and knew that because I was "a really nice guy" I would love her, understand, and stay with her.

I've been single for the last six years since we split up and still not had any sex, but I'd rather live alone than in a sexless relationship because you feel bloody awful living with someone who doesn't want to touch you or have you touch them. I only wish I'd gotten out much, much sooner and not lost almost all of my 30s without any physical contact.

Get out now, seriously, it will do your head in.

I honestly can't imagine a man getting the same responses to this thread. Let's see, my wife works long hours, still manages to spend a lot of time playing with the DCs and despite me being a SAHD she does more than half the house work and I'm upset she never wants sex with me, would it be acceptable for me to spend half of her inheritance on a degree then leave due to lack of sex?

I'm sorry but I don't believe for a second that many pp would give the same understanding to a man if he said the above. Most would be up in arms that as a SAHD the woman would still do so much housework, they would say that DW is probably exhausted and that if she doesn't want sex then she doesn't want sex, stop pressuring her.

OP, I'm sorry you feel unloved, your DH does need to take responsibility and not just say what you want to hear. However I don't agree with you staying until you have your degree then leaving. If you honestly think things will never change then you should talk about separating.

I also think that once something becomes an issue in a marriage it can be easier to avoid it than deal with it - so if sex is fraught with tension then your DH might be hoping the whole thing goes away instead of having to risk an argument or letting you down again. I presume that when you do start being intimate with each other you both feel on edge rather than relaxed and happy - and some people find tension/confrontation so excruciating they would rather avoid the whole situation than risk it.

I really do think you need to work through your own feelings as well as tackling your DH, OP. You sound as if you are low in self-esteem and as if you're fixated on the sex issue so it's more important than anything else. Some counselling for you needn't involve him at all so you can make progress in working out what would make you happy and who you want to be. If you are happier in yourself he might have more confidence about dealing with his issues, and you would be setting him a great example.

I had this in my marriage and it was part of why we aren't together.
Not feeling desired can make you feel unloved.
For me the main issue is that he's trying to sweep what you want under the carpet as though it's not important to him.
I would do what others say and maybe study so that there will be more money to go around and you can start a new life if that's what you decide.
It doesn't matter what is causing this; it's his refusal to see how it's affecting you.
His background probably has a lot to do with it as you suggest. My partners ex had a very religious upbringing and regards sex as something to produce children and nothing more.
When they were together she told him she thought men over 50 didn't get erections!!
You could also try talking to him and explaining that for you this may prove a deal breaker so doctors/ counsellor has to be explored.

I honestly can't imagine a man getting the same responses to this thread. Let's see, my wife works long hours, still manages to spend a lot of time playing with the DCs and despite me being a SAHD she does more than half the house work and I'm upset she never wants sex with me, would it be acceptable for me to spend half of her inheritance on a degree then leave due to lack of sex?

I think the answers to men on MN are pretty horrendous usually.

I agree with Lilacpink.

The OP will be moaned at if she has to claim tax credits later on if she doesnt do the degree while she has the chance.

She also has an 8 year old and a 2 year old so will be responsible for paying for childcare.

So you see WheresLarry that may be why the answers are different. And thats without factoring in the gender pay gap as well.

Yet its ok for him to use her to present the image of Happily Married Family Man!

Seems to me that it might be the best bet to check out the medical side of this and then see if he can go to any counselling sessions with you or by himself even and then decide what you want to do longer term if the intimacy side of this doesn't improve.

Course its not just about the physical sex it's that "do you want me?" "do you desire me" . Yes DIY is fine as far as it goes as a temporary fix but it ain't quite the real deal!

I think that, so long as you are using the next few years to make a sincere attempt to save the marriage, it's ok to fund your degree out of the familial budget. (Don't forget, strictly speaking, the money is not his but both of yours are you are man and wife). If after two years you have managed to work things out, so much the better. If you find you have to split up, well, then everyone will benefit from you having gained a degree. You've already explained how it would be in your DC's interests. I think it would also be in your husband's interests as, if you were able to earn more and make a greater contribution to the costs of caring for the DCs then it would ease the financial burden on him, and give him more choices about where he wanted to take his life post-separation.

Above all, don't feel guilty. Your husband sounds like a great dad and a lovely friend, but - for whatever reason - he is imprisoning you in a sexless relationship, at great cost to your happiness and wellbeing. The marriage vows say 'to have and to hold'. IMO, arbitrarily refusing sex breaches these.

I'm in a uncannily similar situation to you OP, and feel so sorry that you are going through this.

Name changed for this.
OP I actually thought one if my close friends had written this on my behalf without telling me (hence name change). There are a few minor differences which make me think not, but there's an uncanny resemblance between our situations.

I eventually got my DH to go to the family dr. She already knew about the situation because she's said something one day that made me cry and it all cane tumbling out. So, when DH did go, she knew more than just his side and recommended sex therapy for him.

This is still ongoing and I wondered before, but I'm becoming more certain now that he's "grey-A" (asexual). He is adamant he's not any type of asexual, that he wants sex with me, but I feel that he wants to want to because he knows I do, but he actually doesn't. I'm not intervening in the therapy, I'm letting it go for a while to see what happens (and in a country where I'm certain that the psychologist is properly trained/specialised and wouldn't work with an asexual person to make them want sex - amoral). I don't know what to make of it all right now but having someone else involved really takes pressure off me.

I'm also studying and I don't think there's anything wrong with working in yourself to get yourself to a place where you have more of a choice about whether you stay in the marriage it not.

I agree that ideally someone like me would leave, but when you've young children AND living abroad AND no real employability, it's a totally different ballgame. As long as you're committed to the relationship, not seeking physical affection and intimacy elsewhere then studying which will either benefit your family unit in the future or your children is not something wrong.

And to the PP who suggested a vibrator: it's not a lack of orgasm that's the actual problem, it's a lack of everything else apart from that. Most people can figure out how to orgasm, for free or through lovehoney etc. what is missing is something you cannot buy.

I almost think he puts me on a pedestal.

Maybe he has the Madonna/whore complex.....

A friend told me her DP never touched her after the birth of their child. Apparently Elvis Presley had it too....

It would tie in with the very uptight religious attitude in the family towards the gay brother.

I think sex was seen as dirty in their family. There's a clue right there.

So sorry you are going through this OP, undermining your very sense of self-worth. Though I find it strange you have never wanted to "get to the bottom line about it with him". It's like you've been "dancing" around this very subject not wanting to upset the status quo. It's done nothing for your self confidence at the end of the day, thereby undermining yourself.

I would go for your idea of the study. Anything that makes the family unit stronger, financially, for the future is a good thing, whether living together or apart.

Thanks for all the replies even the harsher ones.

I'm going to set up some counselling for us and sincerely try to fix this.

I love him a lot and don't want to leave at all.

While we try to fix our relationship I'm going to do my degree and encourage him to have solo counselling.

If counselling doesn't work or we realise we're not right for each other then we'll both be in a better place to split - emotionally & financially.

I'd much rather stay with him.

I'm sorry some of you are or have been in similar positions, your insights have been great, especially chameleonspots and overthinker2016

Is he definitely hetrosexual op?

"I'm going to set up some counselling for us and sincerely try to fix this"

Why hasn't he done anything like this?.

It takes two though to fix things; you cannot do that on your own. What if he refuses to attend and that is not beyond the realms of possibility here. Being sexless suits him for his own reasons, I would also think his own upbringing has played a huge part in that. He is also refusing to see how this is affecting you.

And why have you taken this problem upon your own shoulders alone?

His previous track record re counselling is not good either and you have suggested that more than once. The appointment had to be cancelled for good reasons but it was never rebooked by him.

You're right - it does take two to fix things, the burden isn't only mine. What I want to do over the next few years is give it my all and try sincerely to do my part in trying to make it work.
It'll never work if he doesn't do his part too and if he doesn't I'll have to walk away but at least I'll know I did everything I could.

If things haven't changed and he still has no regard for my unhappiness I'll know for sure it wasn't me.

I'm as sure as I can be that he's heterosexual, gets turned on by and fancies women. When we first started dating I found some soft porn - all hetero.
Of course, I may be wrong and I did run that across my mind but my instinct says no, he's straight.

As Atilla says I think it's his upbringing that's the root cause, his mum is really uptight and religious and his dad split up with her after having affairs

I think you're right on reasons for his problems. How we grow up sets up our expectations and it sounds like he can't face a medical problem due to his experiences.

Set a date around 6 months after your degree ends and if things haven't improved through hard work during that time end it. You can both be happy separate and you'll have given it your all.

"What I want to do over the next few years is give it my all and try sincerely to do my part in trying to make it work.
It'll never work if he doesn't do his part too and if he doesn't I'll have to walk away but at least I'll know I did everything I could."

Over the next few years, no!. It will have to be over the next few weeks.

All of the above, particularly the first sentence here, sounds awfully like the sunken costs fallacy and that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

It’s a mistake to think that the amount of investment in a relationship automatically adds value to that relationship. It doesn’t. The value of the relationship consists of what is happening in the present and in the future. The past is done. The past is useful in predicting the future, but the past by itself doesn’t actually add any value. The length of a relationship or the amount of effort put into a relationship doesn’t actually add value. If it’s clear that a relationship won’t serve you in the future, your previous investment in the relationship won’t change that.
People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

You are married, yes? So half of his inheritance is your's anyway. If that's not the case in the country you live in, I would stay, on provision he seeks a counsellor/psychotherapist, whilst obtaining your degree, which will lead to a (hopefully) better paid job/income. Which in turn, will be beneficial for your children, the ones that he chose to father. Hopefully during this time, he will acknowledge there is a problem and seek help, and if he refuses, then leave.

Jane's "sex release" comment was ridiculous. In a loving relationship, sex is as much (more even?) about intimacy than just getting off. You can't cuddle up to a silicone buzzing thing and stare lovingly into it's eyes after you've popped can you?

Christ on a moped. If the genders were reversed (ie this was a man posting about not getting enough) the advice would be 'do more housework and have a wank'.

But here, within three pages, we have an insinuation that he must be gay ('your missus doesn't want to shag you? must be a lezzer!'), and posts discussing how to extract from the marriage as much of his inheritance as possible.

Words fail me.

OP, the he counselling is a great idea especially if the counsellor is trained in psycho sexual issues. However, I urge you to get him to the GP for a check. Yes, low testosterone does affect libido in both men and women and is treatable. As with many problems there is often more than one issue at play.

A friend suffered from her husband's Madonna/whore complex for several years after they married- all fine until then. He did actually get over it and their marriage has both lasted and improved over the years. Before that she was ready to walk because their relationship was just platonic.

Insist on treating this as a joint issue you both need to understand and work on together. No blame, no shame, just an issue within the marriage that needs addressing.Perhaps he can't or won't change but I believe there is a fair amount of hope but only if he is willing.

Good luck.

" how to extract from the marriage as much of his inheritance as possible."

Rey is entitled to half, and needs it to further her studies, so she can make a decent wage, in order to make both their DCs' lives better. Instead of relying on husband, who wasn't truthful with her about his distaste of sex, Dancing?

Not about gender, it's about being honest with one's partner. And he wasn't, so how can he be expected to be honest in the future, (ie. maintenance)?

But here, within three pages, we have an insinuation that he must be gay ('your missus doesn't want to shag you? must be a lezzer!'), and posts discussing how to extract from the marriage as much of his inheritance as possible.

Words fail me.

But yet, sadly they didn't. It is absolutely shit being in a forced sexless relationship. Men get different responses on here to similar threads as in general 99% of responses to male threads here are predictably rabid at worse and hectoring at best.