Date night

[NewStickers]

Dd is 3.5 and I have had a low libido since she was born. Dh is very understanding but also says he doesn't want a sexless marriage. We agreed to try having a 'date night' once or twice a week where we have dinner together and have sex. I am hoping that my libido will come back with practice.

The problem is it hasn't. I dread date night. I fancy dh and love him but I am rarely in the mood for sex. Dh makes a fuss of me on date night days, which is lovely, and I know he's doing it to make me feel relaxed and comfortable. But it also feels like I 'owe' him something so I end up resenting what he does. In general I would like some intimacy but am scared of anything because it always leads to full sex / giving him a blow job and so we can't just have a kiss and a cuddle.

I love dh and don't want to deny him an important part of a relationship. I don't know what is wrong with me. Perhaps the anti depressants I take (although he problem pre dates them). Perhaps that I have put on weight and don't like my body. Perhaps that dd is clingy so I spend all evening being touched. Perhaps that I'm tired ... But the main thing is I don't know how to get my libido back and am worried for the future or my marriage. I'm hoping some other people have faced similar and can tell me it gets better?

Surely date night is simply a night you spend together without distraction of children and can be the couple you were before kids same along? If sex is always required might as well call it sex night!

Unfortunately loss of libido happens, often for no obvious reason but it does sound a bit as if you cant see yourself as a sexual person anymore, you cant feel sexy if you dont feel attractive. And often it doesnt matter how much a partner might say you look great, if you dont feel it, you dont believe it.

You probably care far far more about your figure than he does. Lets face it, women dont always have a good barometer as to what men find attractive. Ie if men found vaginas as ugly and horrible as women tend to, the human race would never have got of the ground.!!

Get your confidence back and maybe everything else will follow.

So we had 'date night' last night and it was not great. I think I have cried every time we've had sex for the last couple of years! It's not that he's forcing me to have sex but just that I don't enjoy it and I want the old me back. (She definitely did enjoy it)

I'm going to suggest that instead of the next date night we do something non sexual but together

Wait, you've cried every time you've had sex for two years and your DH is still pressuring you?

He sounds like a twat

If you are crying during sex, I'm not sure why your DH is still insisting on it.

Hello,
I admit I've come to this as a result of a google alert for my date night business but I promise this isn't Spam. I came across something recently that may help. It's a bit weird so brace yourself before watching the video. Apparently it has helped lots of people in a similar situation. Its called Orgasmic Meditation, I daren't explain it but here's a video.... Wishing you all the very best and hope you work out a solution lovely :) xx

You say you fancy him but do you really?
Sometimes I cba with DTD but I adopt the Nike mentality and 'just do it' its nice it makes me feel close to my partner. He would never pressure me because he doesnt have to but my point is that sometimes I'm not in the mood to start with but I am soon!
The only time I have ever felt upset is when previous relationships haven't been right. Like being with the worlds loveliest guy but chemistry gone.
I hope you find some answers OP

Are you crying during sex and he carries on? Or after and he doesn't know about it? If he knows you're crying, why on earth is he carrying on? That's horrifying.

If I were you i'd say no sex for a month. One night a week you get to go out alone, and have some space. Start reading erotic literature or watching Hollywood movies which are sexy (but which don't necessarily have sex in them. It can just be suggested). Just get comfortable masturbating and building your own fantasies. Then try and work on the intimacy with your partner but have a strict rule it won't lead to sex. Then and only then reassess whether you feel like sex and want it and ideally you be the one to initiate it for a bit. I do think it would be good for both if you to lose weight too, just because I know I feel hideously unlike having sex when i'm bigger than a certain weight and things go in the opposite direction when i'm healthier. I do appreciate lots of people feel very sexier when bigger, but you obviously don't. I used to feel crushed by a big partner but for me that was a sign the relationship had run it's course. I never felt like that in the early stages of the relationship.

Btw all the above advice is for if he isn't fully aware of your distress. If he carries on while you're in tears, well, that would be a dead relationship for me. It's unforgiveable.

No he has no idea - I don't cry in front of him. He is very caring and careful and doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. He always asks if I'm ok and I could tell him to stop and he would.

But I don't know how to talk to him about this. We didn't have sex for months at one point and he told me how it made him feel - sad and lonely and frustrated. It was a really big problem. So this date night thing is our attempt to make things better but it's just not working for me and I don't know how to tell him that we are back to square one. I was really hoping something would have clicked back into place for me by now.

So. I have asked him to take dd out today and I have gone for a swim and eaten a healthy lunch. I have booked a massage for my birthday next month and will spend the whole day alone. And I have suggested that our next date night is nothing sexual. Tbh I don't even feel like looking at erotica etc - I Want some time to myself first, without feeling like I have to fix this.

I actually feel like a weight has been lifted now that I've just articulated this. It has been going round in my head for too long. Thank you all

If you haven't, definitely consider telling him that date night is too much pressure. My partner said that he sometimes felt disappointed that things didn't happen when we had planned them during the morning or the day before. I explained to him that I couldn't turn my desire on and off. If we didn't touch or talk much that day, if I wasn't feeling particularly attractive, or if I just wasn't in the mood, I wasn't going to want to follow through with the plans. He seemed genuinely surprised. For him, it's very much an on and off thing unless he's completely exhausted. Sexuality is complex and your DH needs to understand that it's going to take more than a dinner for you to be in the mood. Changing it will likely take complete honesty. He would likely be horrified to know that sex is making you so sad. Would you want to subject him to something that made him cry even if it momentarily brought you pleasure? Why make him into that person if you wouldn't. Sounds like you're making strides in taking time for you though! So a good start!

NewStickers

I sympathise with and totally recognise your situation. I would suggest, based on my recent experience that you go see a relationship counsellor sooner rather than later. Possibly initially on your own because you can discover so much about what the actual problem is (as opposed to what you think it may be) so quickly in a neutral environment talking frankly to a neutral outsider who potentially has lots of relevant advice.
I just did this and really wish I had gone 5 years ago - it would have saved so much pain and hurt further down the line and might have given my DH and I an opportunity to get to the heart of things. As it was, we didn't, I thought we could counsel ourselves and he went off and had an affair. Which is not a place I ever expected to find myself..

Well it can't go on if you have cried during sex for two years.

I agree that date night is not working. I would really hate that even if I wanted to pounce on the man.

I was going to ask like a pp if you are still attracted to him. The only two times I have cringed during sex is when the feelings weren't there. When I divorced I thought I would never touch a man again. But the first man I met several months later, I fancied like mad and still do 5 years on.

However some of the other things you mention could well be the issue eg not feeling confident about your body.

He always asks if I'm ok and I could tell him to stop and he would.

Why would he ask you? I think he's known something's not quite right.

Anyway, I think it sounds as though you've made good progress.

Good for you!

Based on experience I'd also strongly recommend the approach suggested by WTFhappensnext ... go see a relationship counselor sooner rather than later.

I was in this situation in the past with long term BF, great guy, kind, funny , attractive, similar interests, marriage plans, but seriously mismatched libido (me what I'd consider normal, him almost zero).

It became an issue over months, years, and we never worked it out. I did not want to spend my life like that. I will always appreciate that eventually my BF was honest with me, and we split.

In retrospect it really was best for both of us, and should have been done mush sooner. It would have been terrible if we had continued.

Go the counselling, be honest with yourself and partner, move forward (together or apart) knowing you are have tried and selected the best path.

Sadly in my case (and I may be outed by this as some here know me) wonderful ex-BF got married about a year later, same issues arose with his wife, affairs, acrimonious divorce, etc.

Nothing is going to put you off sex like making yourself do it out of duty. The date night idea was bound to be disastrous I'm afraid.

I think the date nights should stop until the problem is resolved, as it's creating an atmosphere where you feel obliged to put out, which just compounds your hesitance. It seems they're making the problem worse, not better, so put an end to them.

i think many mums with young children feel pissed off with the idea of sex, when they've been clambered on day after day. So what does your DH do to give you some personal space from your child? Does he share childcare when he's around? Does he pull his weight in the house? You need physical space to reclaim your body for yourself, he needs to help you achieve that.

Next, I would work on your intimacy without things turning sexual. Put a ban on whatever you don't feel like doing (you mention full sex and blow jobs). Take them off the table, so you can feel comfortable doing the other stuff without worrying it will lead to more. Hold hands, cuddle, kiss, snog, whatever you want to do, in the full knowledge that he won't try to progress things further. If you can try this for say a fixed period and see if you can improve your intimacy levels, you might find that you actually want to take things further yourself.

First things first though, you should mention this to your GP.

You can't expect your OH to live a celibate life, but likewise you don't owe him sex when you clearly don't want it.

Two other things, OP, if you're still around. Your antidepressant could be partially responsible. You mentioned that the problem pre-dates the antidepressant use but if you were depressed before taking it your sex drive may already have been impacted. SSRIs are well known for killing sex drives, regardless of partner. If it's working, then stick with it. But I had good success with Wellbutrin and noticed that my sex drive came back.
Another thing, do you get anything it of sex when you have it? Even at times I haven't been particularly physically attracted to my partner (it waxes and wanes for me), I've still enjoyed and therefore wanted sex if I finished too. It's less important for some people but I start to resent and find sex a chore if I don't get something out of it too. I now make sure I do, even if that involves using a toy during sex, and my partner is happy because I'm always in the mood. Hope things are improving!

Thanks for all your messages. Things are not exactly going well. I tried to talk to dh about not feeling obliged to have sex and he got very very upset. He said he couldn't imagine why I was being so unkind and couldn't I just do it for him. Also criticised how bad it is. I said the reason it's bad is because I am doing it out of duty ( like he apparently wants). Turns out he he noticed me crying after all. Later he apologised and I thought he was going to say I shouldn't have sex if I don't want to, but instead he said that it is ok if it's perfunctory when I'm not in the mood.

He also said loads of stuff about making me feel better but when I pushed the point about not having to have sex if I don't want to he said 'yes yes blah blah blah' as if he was agreeing with me but disagreeing at the same time.

I'm currently unemployed after taking redundancy, so am technically living off dh's income (we spent the redundancy on an extension). I am job hunting and networking during the days but feel guilty for asking for 'more' free time. It was great having a morning last week but it is not enough. He asks me what I've been doing every day, and I feel like the answer is always 'not enough'.

I'm not sure what is real and what I am projecting of my own insecurities. It seems like relationship counselling is the right thing to do, but when I've suggested that in the past he's not been keen. Now that I have no income I don't think I can start on my own.

Maybe I should focus on getting a job, which will help with self esteem and give me a bit of money of my own. Then start counselling.

As it stands, in return for my non sexual date night on Friday, we have to have sex on Wednesday. Can't be tomorrow because I have to spend the evening paying bills and sorting out the house.

Feeling pretty shit about the whole thing.

I am attracted to him but he has very bad breath which I've asked him to sort out but he hasn't. It makes kissing difficult.

Don't know why I'm posting really. Just had to write this all down. I am very scared that this is the beginning of the end. We have been together nearly 20 years

Oh that's awful I really feel for you. You are going to dread Wednesday aren't you? I don't like this payback idea. That just can't work. It sounds like he is ok with it even though he knows you're not. As for him noticing you are crying and he carries on, well I'm shocked at that.

You really don't have to do it you know. It is awful when it gets to the stage where you don't want sex at all and yes you might have to consider it is the end of the relationship which is why it is worth trying counselling sooner rather than later despite the costs.

And no wonder you don't want to kiss if he has bad breath. That would make sex a non-starter for most people.

Plus he's got a bit of a nerve criticising you for the quality of the sex when you're the one who never has orgasms.

I'm going to get rangy here and say that I really do bloody not believe in "Date Night". It's lovely when my parents take DD for a couple of hours and we go to Pizza Express. Even better if they keep her overnight and we go to the cinema too. But what is not bloody nice is doing those things and being knackered from parenting/breastfeeding/being touched out by a toddler and then getting home and instead of being "allowed" to put on your comfiest nightie and watch Netflix and have a cuddle- or not have a cuddle- you're being expected to put on a basque and act like a frigging porn star.

I'm sorry but I just think it's a fucking con. Do I want less sex now I'm knackered parent who- as mentioned above- has been breastfeeding or pregnant for four years and gets up most days at 6 for Mr. Tumble? Of course! When I was a care free 20-something with all those lazy mornings in bed and less CBeebies in my life, I definitely felt sexier. No, I don't want to live in a sexless marriage and nor does my husband but equally he's got more respect for me than to think paying for half of a Pollo Pesto and a couple of glasses of Chardonnay is the answer to that.

I want to have sex when I feel loved, respected and supported. I don't feel those things (necessarily) from a "Date Night" and certainly can't be turning that shit on twice a week so my husband can get a blow job. Sex by appointment is gross and he can't feel good about this if you're not into it, surely?!

Early days of parenthood just aren't that sexy for most people, in the same way that they're generally not very glamorous or flowing with cash for the majority. You need to have a serious talk with your husband about feeling respected, feeling supported and knocking bloody pizza and blowies night on the head.

I'm angry for you that he thinks his need for sex twice a week is more important than how you're feeling in any way.

Oh God and I've just seen that he can't even make you cum! Twice as angry now. What a prick.

Hi New. I don't normally post on Relationships but felt so bad for you reading this. Your husband does not sound like a nice man. You DO NOT have to have sex with him just because he says so. Your last post makes it very clear the reasons why you don't want to sleep with him. He has no regard for your feelings in this, for your right to privacy within your own body. He doesn't care that you cry or that he upsets you. Questions you about what you do all day and doesn't 'let' you have your own free time? Does not care about the effect his bad breath has on you or understand the demands of a small child and constant house care doesn't exactly leave you feeling up for it.

Focussing on your own self esteem, job hunting, counseling for yourself. Bounfarirs. All these things are good and positive. I know it's scary but you can start again without him if that's what you decide. No matter how hard you would be fine, a lot sooner than you think.

And you DO NOT have to have sex with him. You really don't.