I can't cope with DH's laziness anymore.

[KitKat1985]

Brief background: been with DH for 6 years, married for 3. We have one DD who is nearly 2 and I'm 5 months pregnant with our second. We both work full-time but I work double-shifts (as a nurse) of 14 hours so I only work 3 days a week. I do pretty much everything around the house in terms of cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping. I also do most of the childcare although DD is in nursery 2 days a week, but DH has to have her one weekend day when I'm at work. I'm really struggling with the exhaustion of working full-time, having a toddler, being pregnant and keeping on top of stuff around the house. I've begged DH for more help. He acknowledges he needs to do more, and may briefly improve for a day or two after each discussion then things just go back to how they are. He has currently got back problems (which are awful I know as I've had them myself). He's basically decided to sulk in bed about this since yesterday afternoon when he came home from work sick. Today I've snapped and told him me and DD are going out without him, and am currently trying not to sob in the middle of soft play.

As an aside, after a pretty poor effort on his part for my birthday last year, when he asked what I wanted this year I just said mainly some money towards a new laptop I needed (this was several weeks in advance of my birthday). Despite all the advance notice, my birthday was a week ago and he still hasn't even bothered to get my birthday money out for me. It's not really a question of the money, I'm just hurt that I'm clearly so low down his list of priorities that he couldn't be bothered to pop to a cash point for 2 minutes before my birthday so he could put some money in a card. I always feel I make a decent effort for his birthdays.

To top things off work has been really stressful recently and I've got a terminally ill Dad, which is adding to me feeling burnt out and exhausted.

I just don't know how to get him to help more. I do love him and he is very loving to me and DD, but his laziness at home is killing our relationship.

He says he struggles to do much Monday - Friday as he works 9-5 and had an hour and a half commute each way to work (which is true) so not much time to get anything else done in the week - there's plenty of time between 7.30 and bedtime. This does not even count as long hours for me or most people I know. Just an excuse.

But yes, I will consider getting a cleaner, because something has to give and I can't go on like this.

In that case OP as someone previously suggested ,make a list of things he can do which are not very difficult and make it clear You expect him to do them because you can't manage. Or get a quote for cleaner and make it clear he pays for one out of his salary.

I would have LTB over the lack of recognition of your birthday, never mind all the other shite.

How does having a bad back stop him from acknowledging your birthday and getting you a present/birthday money?

He sounds like a bit of a brat to me.

Get a cleaner and tell him to do overtime toco we the cost

You can LTB a bf you dated for few months when he didn't bother to get a birthday present for you, but if you have kids with the man, it's a bit more complicated.
Some men don't care about birthday and presents and think their oh wouldn't either. Deeply mistaken on that.
My DP makes a point of not doing anything for his birthday to extend him not replying to his birthday wishes and messages on social media. Some would say he's rude but I know it's just his quirky thing.
I no longer pick presents or plan special things for his birthday because I know he won't appreciate it and I'll end up frustrated with his ungrateful attitude.
But I save money and energy.
P.S. He knows I love to celebrate my birthday so he makes an effort to take me out and give a present, but I feel it's forced (he has to in order to avoid upsetting me ) .
It is what it is!

Right, birthday present solved, he pays for a cleaner £20/fortnight for the next year?

You are absolutely correct princess - he would have been dumped the first time he committed such a sin

Poppy that is genius!!!

What? Her gift if a cleaner?

His birthday gift should be a sodding cleaner!!

I may be out of order here. But lve noticed lately that quite a few women here who are nurses have completely useless dhs. I'm wondering is it because of your caring profession and the fact that ye are such hard workers that ye go so far past the call of duty to do stuff for these guys. My dsis is a nurse and one of the hardest workers l know but her dh, before she left him did sweet dam all. Stop doing everything. Your own work ethic is going against you here. Down tools. Either get a cleaner or let him do it. You cannot keep going with those awful long shifts.

I was in your same position. I waited a few years and now am LTB. I suggest you do the same althoughh I played the long game whilst i sorted out practicalities. You should be valued and respected.

He sounds like the opposite of "loving"

As a nurse, you will know that current advice for back problems is to keep mobile and not lie in bed which exacerbates the problem

So why are you tolerating this shit:😨

I could have written your post OP. I'm three years on from you, and am only now LTB. What a waste of time. They never change. A hard lesson I have finally learned.

It's so hard when you want to be a family, but you deserve to be cherished and respected. He is falling very short on this.

Op, I realise this thread is a few years old now. I was just wondering, what happened? Did he change? I feel the same way about my DP now