EX- separated 13 years ago, he still swears at me (Co parent) will this ever end?

[Vegetablegarden]

Just got a series of sweary texts from my EX. He's completely changed the date our daughter is due back from staying with him (by a week). He said he'd organized it a couple of weeks ago but never told me...

I have tried to be NC (no contact) for years now, after a particularly ranting, nasty, series of emails and telephone calls. We live in different towns. He blames me because I moved (to be nearer my family, financial reasons too) 13 years ago. I have tried to be more than fair, arranged visits, kept the peace. But the result has been that at least twice a year I just get a series of horrible texts, always about our DD and his lack of time with her or a visit that he mucked up but blames me. His rants turn into just general digs.

Anyway, not sure if the details are important this time. I am just SICK of receiving texts from him or emails that I find abusive. I always respond with 'I am not responding to abusive texts' and then leave it. I know it's generally twice a year, and some other people have a lot worse. But why should I have this at all?

Grrrr.... And to top it all, our daughter says that she thinks 'I hate him'. Even though I have never, ever, moaned about him to her. She says that he 'is totally fine about me' but that I am not. So somewhere, at some point, she's picked up on my stress, or something. And I am being turned into the 'bad guy'.

I just feel like there is nothing that I can do! I don't even respond anymore, and yet they still come!

I do need to keep a record. He's actually not as bad as he was a few years ago, when I refused all verbal contact. But still he should have stopped or not even started.

My daughter does adore him, she refused to believe he was really being nasty and said she didn't want to see any texts or emails.

I also agree with Midnight. Your DD has an unrealistic belief in what her father is like and it sounds as if he feeds her a line about how horrible you are to him.

For her own protection she needs to have a more realistic view of what her father is like or the false relationship dynamic he is selling will be the one she carries through life.

FWIW though I think you are absolutely right to facilitate their contact if he is a good dad to her, there is nothing right about lying by omission about what her father is like and allowing him to manipulate how you are pictured. Wait a few days then hand her your phone unlocked and tell her to read it.

"These last arrangements were made through DD. It was all very last minute. I asked for dates as DD was very fuzzy about these, I got sent them by her father with the costs asking me to pay fuel. I just ignored them"

I think you are going through a change as you move from parent specified contact to your daughter led contact.As your daughter matures she'll handle the arrangements better.Did you ignore the text because it was sweary or other reasons?
When you moved away did you agree to contribute to fuel if ex was doing the driving as that's often recommended by court when resident parent moves away.

I think teen daughter and mum can be at this age be a difficult relationship.If you generally feel your relationship is strong, you spend fun times together and can talk about what's happening in her life you'll be ok in the long run (speaking as a mum of older girls).

Thanks newname and improvising

Perhaps my daughter will handle the arrangments better in the future, but I think that I have tried to also say that I need some notice, and need to agree dates. In the last 6 months, because of last minute arrangements, cancelled arrangements all by EX, which daughter just thought were OK, I had to cancel a weekend away, cancel a birthday plan.

Trouble is, any asking to be told dates or wanting notice is likely to be met by hostility.

I was the one who moved away, and have in the past paid for the majority of costs but this was never 'an agreement'. I have put myself in debt because of it and cut back a while ago. It was never, ever, enough and he always complained about it. However, I found him difficult even before I moved, quite oppressive, my mental health improved when I had some family support and some space.

I didn't ignore the dates in the email, I got back with a brief 'OK dates are fine' but I did ignore the asking for fuel. He always does this. Often just takes it out of the maintenance. I don't say anything I just don't want to get into any discussions any more.

P.s. I do generally had a good relationship with my daughter. However she is beginning to see her Dad as the confident that will back her up no matter what, and who will allow her a lot more freedom.

You do need to think of this all as a potential learning opportunity for your DD.
Ask her how she would deal with someone swearing at her?
Ask her how you can avoid having to cancel plans in future (or inconvenience her if she agrees to inconvenient changes, someone I knew used to make her DC arrange their own sleepovers if needed).
Talk about relationships in general.
And expect her to be able to understand the need to communicate with you and liaise.

Good advice mummytime. In my more depressing moments I think DD is picking up on her fathers traits. She also doesn't realise that if she says anything, my Ex turns it into having a go at me. She was 5 mins late for school once, and I got a very snide comment as she told him.

To ex 'I've emailed you'
'Dear Ex. I totally agree that the texting is not working, so in order to faciliate DD's contact with you, I have set up this email address that will go to both her and my email accounts and as such, will keep us all in the loop around contact. I will not be responding to any further text messaging, nor will my phone be able to accept any more of your text messages from today onwards, this is to be the only method of communication regarding access.
Kindest Regards Vegetablegarden'

Thanks Doreen - there really isn't any need for him to communicate any spite to me alone. It should just be agreeing dates and that is it. Nothing else. Which DD can start to be in control of.