Husband cheated with young women, how to move on?

[Info0411]

I found out in November and have only told my best friend. I wanted to share online and hopefully get advice from other women who have managed to get through awful situations and come out the other side smiling.
My husband was taking cocaine and alcohol, was watching alot of porn which escalated. He started visiting numerous escorts. He then wanted the gf experience so would meet with one escort - 26 years old - and was with her for 9 months. Unbeknown to me, when he was 'working away' he was meeting with her, taking her abroad on all of his business trips, spending our profits on her. (We own a business together). One day he took her to a lapdancing club, and whilst she went to the bathroom a lapdancer 'gave him his number'. He finished with the escort and started seeing the 22 year old Russian lapdancer. He spent thousands on her. His behaviour at home had became intolerable and I was trying to pluck up the courage to separate from him then (I didnt know about the girls). But when I discovered the affairs I just broke down. I couldnt work for 4 months and couldn't understand why this affected me so deeply. I have always been strong. I am so sad that I trusted him so implicitly with the accounts and with where he was and what he was doing. At first he blamed me for the affairs, he was still heavily drinking. He then slowly began to see what he had done, since April he hasn't drunk or taken any drugs. He confessed all of the above to me. He went to a therapist for a few months. At first I was devastated about the affairs, then it was the fact that they were all 20 years younger than me, then it was the money, now I just feel numb. I wanted to stay with him, we have been together 20 years and have 3 children and a business together. He was a good man and a good husband until 2 years ago. But now I have spent months tracing my lost self-esteem and feel I can separate, but it all just seems so hard to do. I have lost all joy from my life...I would really appreciate any stories you have to share x

I know you're not ready to leave yet, and you know what? that's okay. It sounds like you want to leave, and you probably will. Take things at your own pace, one day at a time.

However the coke and booze is a huge concern. How long was he taking drugs/drinking heavily for? How can you possibly ever trust him to be in charge of the DC if you're out? I wouldn't be able too, and I'm a total hippy smokes pot Don't underestimate your DC. I don't know how old they are, but when I was 8 I was very aware of a friend's father's alcoholism. Not the nuances, obviously. And he wasn't a 'go to the pub and pass out' type of guy. He had a respectable job and never drank outside his house, never in front of us. But I still knew.

Your DC deserve a better role model, especially if you have girls. Imagine how they'll feel about him if it ever slips out than on top of the booze and drugs, he cheated on you? I don't mean details like who/how old/how they met, I mean just knowing that not only did he treat you like shit for (how long?) and drink/do drugs, he also cheated on you. And you stayed. That's not a good message for them.

As PP said, be kind to yourself! Like you said, your life changed overnight in some respects. You don't have to have all the answers right away.

"Family ideals"?! You do realise your husband has completely pissed all over those, right?!

His actions were 100% his fault and his responsibility. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you could have prevented them by doing anything differently.

IMO the only way you can move on is to LTB.

Special
I agree with your post but this is a bit of a strange thing to say:
"Your DC deserve a better role model, especially if you have girls."
I think it's equally important for girls and boys to have positive role models (male and female) and examples of healthy adult relationships.

Forgot to mention if I were you, it'd play on my mind a lot that he treated the OW (escort one) so appallingly. Most OW I've know or known of in real life are yes, treated badly in the 'I won't leave my wife' sense, but were almost obsessed over as if the MM had landed Elle MacPhearson.
It'd bother me that he traded in a woman he was paying for sex - pretty much - the money he spent on her and places he took her? I doubt an escort would stay with one man if he didn't spoil her - because he found a younger, better looking version.

Creepily calculating that he picked women from jobs he knew that they got paid for sex/nudity. Sorta suggests he knew he if he could flash his money around, he could enjoy taking his pick of a lot of good looking, willing young ladies. (Obviously not all strippers/escorts, but enough)

Please tell me he didn't actually say 'the girlfriend experience' thing to you? That's also creepy.

I think it's equally important for girls and boys to have positive role models (male and female) and examples of healthy adult relationships

Totally agree, I worded it badly. I meant that in the part of my post where I was talking about if they ever found out, it would probably be harder on the girls than the boys. But I will hold up my hands and say that's purely anecdotal. I should have thought before I posted, so thank you for pulling me up on it.
Sometimes our inner 'prejudices' regarding children slip out! And I try really hard not to do that. So thank you for pointing it out

I'm currently with (sort of) DH when most rational people would say leave, so I get it I really do.

Ripping your life apart isn't easy especially when you are feeling battered.

In your situation though, honestly there is no way forward. Think of it as ripping the bandage off and just get it over with. Close your eyes, close your ears and just say the words "get out don't come back" to him. Then face what comes.