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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband to kick me out of house along with child with disability ...

19 replies

Shattered2013 · 04/08/2016 19:20

Hi , just thought I'd see what advice /support I can get on here , I'm new to this also .
I am a married mum to 3 boys , eldest is 15 with diagnosis of PDA/Autism , 13 year old and a 5 year old who has also been labelled with ASD.
To cut a long story short , my husband , who was our 15 year olds official carer has voiced that he doesn't want to be carer no more as he's 'sick of it ' 'sick of getting blame ' though he didn't live up to the role anyway as I did everything - it's just kept jobseekers off his back.
I have struggled to get husband to come to support groups , meetings , parenting classes to better our understanding and quality of life ... He just refused - Because of my frustration with this and how angry he gets with our 15 year old - I voiced that he's not living up to role as carer so hence why he gave it up because he's 'sick of me keep going on ' . He had never shown understanding /empathy for our sons difficulties which sometimes result in angry rages etc .... I feel if he had a better understanding of handling his son - it would help with our sons outbursts - instead of treating him as a naughty boy that needs diciplining .
Anyway - husbands had enough of everything though he does nothing and I am now being told that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and basically wants to chuck me out of our council house and take our 'naughty boy' with me . I reminded him we have 3 children who I refuse to split up and after speaking to housing officer I have been told that as much as the tenancy is in his name - the fact that we are married gives me the rights to stay .... There is more I could add to this - like the fact I believe how he has treated our son is a form of emotionally abuse . I don't have recordings or evidence just a 15 year old who feels unloved , not good enough and rejected by his dad . It's easy for people to tell me to leave .... It's not as simple as that with 3 kids and no where to go ? Anyone been in similar situation ? I don't think I can get legal aid in this situation unless I can prove the abuse - or what I class as abuse anyway . 13 year old doesn't ever do anything wrong to be on receiving end of his dad so he feels torn at the thought of a split and feels sorry for his dad if we all leave ? his dad's never done anything to upset him - he gets what he wants off his dad because he's a 'good boy '
All I'm guilty of is standing up to my husband and his negative angry mouth and advocating for my kids with disabilities ! Really upset and frustrated . As its the summer hols - I don't have the support of our family liaison officer as she works term time . Can I refer myself to social services ? Feel like I could do with the support and understanding to move forward from this because all I feel at the minute is trapped !
Thanks for taking the time to read .

OP posts:
Hagothehills · 04/08/2016 19:29

First Flowers for you and your dc's

You can absolutely self refer to social services and unfortunately by the sound of it, it might be a good option. Do you have any family or friends nearby you can call on for help?

Sorry op but your husband sounds like an arse. Why did he refuse to go to any of the classes that might have helped you both to better parent your children?

Nt kids are hard enough to deal with, multiple children with sn is exceptionally difficult and he should be pulling his weight, jumping at every opportunity can to better understand his children and learn to control his bloody temper!

He absolutely shouldn't be blaming you for his own shortcomings.

You are absolutely doing the right thing sticking up for and protecting your children

Msqueen33 · 04/08/2016 19:37

Two of my three kids have autism. Being a carer is really hard going. My dh works full time and I do all the appointments, meetings, groups, course, research etc. It all falls on me but we are united. Sometimes I do want to smack him in the face but I figure that's natural. Speak to social services. It sounds like he's awful 😢🍫💐 you and your children deserve better x

Original poster
Shattered2013 · 04/08/2016 19:37

Thank you , yeah he is and Arse you are bang on there! He incapable of seeing that his ways are not helping so doesn't see that he needs the help - if he accepts the help I think he's scared it will damage his 'I never do anything wrong ' ego . None of us parents get it right all the time .. I'm always learning and humble enough to know and admit when my actions have resulted in escalation rather than deescalation so to speak . He's just a person that can't bare to be wrong so he's going to justify his behaviour all the way .... He's clever at twisting things and denying at times things that have been said that hurt .... I used to think he could change but sees no error in his ways xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Shattered2013 · 04/08/2016 19:41

All I dream of is a husband that supports me and the kids .... The fact I've had to beg and challenge him for that has resulted in him being 'sick of me ' and wanting me out . I think he doesn't like the amount of attention / time I have to give our children but if he was united with me he would obviously get some husband time ! It's just got really stale now . I don't like him because of how cold he is to our PDA son so I have struggled showing him affection as I can't show affection to a cold person . My kids come first xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Shattered2013 · 04/08/2016 19:50

Does anyone think I have a chance of holding my ground here and fighting to stay in the family home for the sake of the kids ? He has tenancy in his name but we are married ? Housing officer says I do - husband says I don't have a leg to stand on as he's done his research !

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/08/2016 19:55

You have every right to stay there and he can't kick you out.

He can leave if he wants if you leave they'll say you've made yourself homeless.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 04/08/2016 19:58

Stay put, if he wants to split up, he can go.

Oh, and he is a twat of the highest order.

Mycatsabastard · 04/08/2016 20:04

Speak to the housing people. I'm not sure how big your house is but surely he cannot stay in a council property on his own while making you and three children homeless?

I'd definitely get SS on board to help support you in making HIM leave.

My youngest is in the process of getting an ASD diagnosis. She's 10. It's been hard work and utterly draining at times. But dp (NOT dd's dad) has been 100% supportive and takes on board everything we've done including parenting courses and advice. That's helped massively.

Your poor son, not only does he have additional needs, he's also just a 15 year old boy who is going through puberty, pushing boundaries as all teens do and he needs stability, support and love. Not your husband being a dick.

aginghippy · 04/08/2016 20:16

He is saying those things to you because he is trying to scare you into leaving. Don't listen to him, listen to the housing officer. You have a very good case for staying in the family home with the children.

Definitely speak to social services and get them involved. With 2 asd dc you should be getting their support.

FiveFullFathoms · 04/08/2016 20:23

Stay put. The housing officer would not tell you that you had rights if you didn't have them - who's the expert here, the housing officer or your DH?.

Your DH is mouthing off and trying to scare you into leaving so he gets his way. Under no circumstances must you leave the house with your children. If you do this you are in a far weaker position.

And YY to self referring to social services.

Anonymouses · 04/08/2016 20:31

I'm fairly sure he can't keep the tenancy of a large family house for himself if he refuses to take the kids. Stand your ground. Yes to housing officer, social services and any other support you can get.

He needs to leave and imagine all your
Lives will become much better and easier.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 04/08/2016 20:45

Womens aid are very good at knowing a womans rights and what to do in these situations , would you be allowed to change the locks while hes out as its a council house ?

TrulyFubar · 04/08/2016 20:59

Your Council/Housing Association will have encountered situations like this many times so will know exactly what you are entitled to and where you can get help and support. HAs especially offer much more than just taking your rent nowadays are will probably have someone dedicated to helping tenants just like you. I would go into your Housing Office tomorrow and get the ACTUAL facts (as opposed to your hubby's 'researched' facts) then involve Social Services if you feel you'll need extra support. The bottom line is that IF he stays in that house he'll be stung for Bedroom Tax as he's under-occupying. He'll have to find that out of his JSA.

Get as much help as you can. You and your kids deserve much better.

Original poster
Shattered2013 · 04/08/2016 21:01

Thanks everyone , he's not directly kicking the other kids out - just said its best for me and 15 year old to go as he's the one 'causes the trouble' .PDA does affect my sons behaviour and he does come across as disobedient and rude at times but it comes with the label etc .... I obviously want the kids to be kept together as siblings so whatever happens they staying with me and I'll fight for that if I have too . Think he's clinging on to our 13 year old , trying to win him over by being really easy going in him etc .... Thinking if he has one of the kids he will get to keep the house or have more rights - another reason I would like SS involved is because I refuse to have the kids separated . I would like them all to reside with me legally and then the 13 year old is old enough to see his dad as he wishes . Thank you again for all the support above , I feel more empowered already .
Yes I do have my sisters I could go to , I've been up there for the past week but my 13 year old chose to stay at home where all his mid cons are ! ( sister only lives round the corner ) ... I had 15 year old and 5 year old with me ... I came back when I was made aware of my rights to stay as i wanted the kids to be together and sleep in their own beds . Instead of on floor and sofa at sisters . X

OP posts:
Original poster
Shattered2013 · 04/08/2016 21:11

TrulyFubar think I will do just that , go to council in person and get the situation logged / jotted down . It's a large 3 bed with dining room and would probably be classed as 4 bed if they re let it !

Thank you all above so much X

OP posts:
Original poster
Shattered2013 · 04/08/2016 21:23

I'm not trying to get all the kids with me for my own selfish need either - I just believe siblings shouldn't be split up - the fact he doesn't want his 15 year old around will force me either way to take or do what I'm doing with all 3 . I can't imagine being split from my siblings when my mum and dad split up . It doesn't seem right ? Just had to add that bit in there as if my 13 year old 'wants' to stay with his dad ( apparently hrs old enough to chose ) I'm going to put up a fight on the grounds that he is a shit dad to the 15 year old X

OP posts:
aginghippy · 04/08/2016 21:43

15 yo causes the trouble? Angry He is disabled ffs, not naughty.

smilingeyes11 · 04/08/2016 21:46

He is vile suggesting you leave and split the children up. You definitely need to call Women's Aid and I would log his behaviour with your GP and SS too.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 04/08/2016 22:13

I doubt he will get kicked out for keeping the place

Look at pensioners who rattle around in 3 bed houses

He'd prob be subject to the bedroom tax if it still exists though

He sounds hideous, good luck op

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