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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So angry I can't sleep

23 replies

chocoraisin · 04/08/2016 03:26

Help. I think I'm being irrational but I don't know what to do.

DP was away for days, came back today. I was happy to see him. He seemed happy to see me. 3 hours later it's 11 oclock and I say I'm going to bed, ask him if he'd like to come with me, he says he will be up in 20 mins. Long story short I attempt to initiate sex and he turns me down flat then says something along the lines of 'all you care about is a shag'.

I'm so fucking livid I don't know how to wind down. I know it's out of proportion. I also know why.

I'm so angry because in my previous relationship my ex regularly withdrew intimacy as a way of controlling me/our relationship, implying or outright telling me I was unattractive, weird, repulsive etc for initiating intimacy. Tonight seems to have lifted the lid on a great deal of anger from then. I cannot seem to separate what's happened with DP from an overwhelming feeling of all men are shits and I can't be arsed with being in a relationship.

I know it's out of proportion, I know IABU but literally don't know what to do with these feelings. Help?

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 04/08/2016 03:37

I'm not sure you are overreacting. If he wasn't in the mood he could have said so a but more kindly, especially as he has been away and it would have been maybe expected that you both would have missed intimacy.
How long have you been together? Do you live together? Is this the first time he's done this? Sorry for all the questions
I had similar with an ex partner and it was also about control so I understand how those feelings could have been stirred up.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/08/2016 03:42

we've been together 2.5 years. We're engaged, and going through the mother of all hard times. Living together, both have 2 DC of our own, none together. It's the first time he's done this, not the first time we've chosen to sleep in separate beds because we are hurt/angry or upset.

I have no clue what to do with the intensity of my feelings. Sometimes I feel like he's the best guy for me, other times I just don't want to even try. I'm pretty sure my abusive ex relationships have a major part to play in this, but not everything. He is responsible for some of it too. Feeling sad and hurt and rejected.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 04/08/2016 03:57

I know what you mean about the intensity of feelings. Being rejected in that way when you probably just wanted to reconnect is hard I know.
I think if you are going through some tough times counselling may be a good idea
I'm in a new relationship which is great but we both have had bad experiences in the past so we want to avoid bringing issues from them into our new life
My ex was abusive as I've said and I sometimes get irrationally angry and talking to a professional has helped with this.
Maybe wait till to feel calmer and talk to your partner and explain how this made you feel and how maybe it's linked to the past.
He needs to be sensitive to this and understand that rejecting you in that off hand kind of way is not ok

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/08/2016 04:01

thank you, it helps to know I'm not alone. We're supposed to be seeing a relationship counsellor together and he's seeing someone on his own because he gets so angry and defensive all the time. Maybe I need to see someone on my own too :( its shit. It's so hard. I don't know if I believe in my heart that any relationship is worth the risk of rejection any more. I am so tired of feeling hurt I don't know how to forgive. I was a nicer person a few years ago :(

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 04/08/2016 04:07

Well it's good he's willing to get counselling-my ex wouldn't as he would never acknowledge there was even a problem. I ended up going on my own to try and work out what was going on.
When you have been in an abusive relationship the feelings can come back up.
I get angry with myself for putting up with all the crap that I did.
You are not not a nice person- you are a person that's been damaged by an abusive one. It takes time and work to deal with it.
You are definitely not alone Flowers

Original poster
chocoraisin · 04/08/2016 04:09

thank you. Feel like crying now :(

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 04/08/2016 04:16

Oh dear :((( sorry if that's my fault.
Try and get some sleep and talk to him when you feel it's calm and hopefully he will understand.
It's taken me a while to get to a good relationship (I'm 50) and I know it's hard with all the pressures there are today. We both have dc from previous relationships and juggling it all is hard. Be kind to yourself as they say- you've had a rough time
It took a counsellor to list all the things I've been through to make me realise that

GoldfishCrackers · 04/08/2016 04:29

If he wasn't in the mood he could have simply said so - I'm not surprised you're angry that he had a go at you for wanting to have sex. You're obviously aware that this is bringing up old feelings from your abusive relationship - it's great that you've got this self-awareness. Does he also know that this was an issue with your abusive ex? Bad enough as it is but even more concerning if he does know and still does this.

Counseling for yourself sounds like an excellent idea. If no other reason than to have someone to help you think about why, following an abusive relationship, you're in a relationship with someone who has a problem with anger.

DonaldTrumpTriggersSJWlol · 04/08/2016 05:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mrskeats · 04/08/2016 05:11

Reported Donald. Is there any need?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/08/2016 05:14

Donald is trolling the boards this morning. Hmm

Mrskeats · 04/08/2016 05:14

Yep reported on a few threads

GreenRut · 04/08/2016 05:21

As witty and insightful as your name sake, Donald.

OP, i would seriously consider not marrying this guy. Not because he didn't want sex one night but because you're already questioning if this is the right thing for you, generally.

As for his rude approach to saying no, let him own that. His mood, his decision. If he is content with reacting in a way which is unnecessarily cruel then it says alot about him. How you react to that is what you need to own. I wouldn't be stomping around. In a calmer moment I would explain why it was upsetting and tell him you wouldn't ever want to make him feel the way you did. It's done now but be clear that his behaviour was unacceptable to you. If he does it again then you've already set out the boundaries and you can assess clearly what this man really thinks of you and your feelings.

Amelie10 · 04/08/2016 06:18

If he's been away for a few days and maybe tired, and then you keep implying you want sex I can understand why he got so frustrated. He probably wasn't in the mood and then you took it to another level, you seem to be projecting your previous relationship onto this one.

HoggleHoggle · 04/08/2016 06:51

Saying 'all you care about is a shag' to someone is a horrible thing to say, unless it's a very specific 'in' joke. Which is obviously isn't here. He could have turned you down much more politely but instead chose to be rude. I think you need to talk to him about what he meant with that comment. It doesn't sound at all respectful.

1weekdown5togo · 04/08/2016 07:00

I think what he said was really hurtful. If he genuinely didn't want sex he could have said, sorry I'm tired and just cuddled up or something.

I know what you mean about how an abusive relationship makes you react differently. I am very over-sensitive these days and I am better off on my own than in a relationship.

I would definitely have a word with him and gauge his reaction but also question if you really want to be with him.

TheNaze73 · 04/08/2016 07:44

I think you need counselling OP. It's a massive overreaction on your part, however your back story clearly is the reason why. Does he know the full story? I take it he does so he should be more sensitive to it. Are you sensitive to his feelings though? If this was reversed there'd be all sorts of LTB cries, for not respecting how tired you were after a business trip. Communication is the key here. Good luck OP. Hope it sorts itself out

Joysmum · 04/08/2016 07:58

This is bad given you've only been together 2.5 years.

He's implying you don't want to make love (eg intimacy and expression of love) and just want to fuck.

The fact you're need relationship counselling so early on is worrying.

Being in a relationship should be instrumental in you being the best version of yourself possible and making it your aim to make each other happy.

attsca · 04/08/2016 08:25

So sorry to see it's you posting choco. It's horrible to see such an inspirational and lovely poster being brought low by a new partner.

Please remember that because your ex was a grade 10 arsehole (more like 25) you don't need to accept a grade 7 and be grateful. It really shouldn't be so hard this early on, perhaps some individual counselling would be a good idea before you consider the joint stuff.

davos · 04/08/2016 08:34

Can I ask exactly what happened?

You say he turned you down and then said what he said.

What was your response to being turned down? Did he try to do it gently then said that, because of your reaction or is that how he turned you down.

I am asking because if I turned dh down I would be really pissed off if he reacted badly to me not fancying sex.

Does he genuinely feel that's all you care about?

ThePinkOcelot · 04/08/2016 08:37

What he said was terrible. I wouldn't have been happy either. I think you need to look at this relationship Choco, because I also think needing relationship counselling after 2.5 yrs is very concerning. It should still be within the honeymoon period surely. Don't settle! You went through a lot with your ex and certainly don't deserve this. Again, don't settle. You are worth so much more xx

hellsbellsmelons · 04/08/2016 10:34

He was cruel in what he said to you.
Not nice.
You don't really feel like trying so why keep bothering.
He has anger issues too.
This doesn't really bode well.
Do all the DC live with the 2 of you?
Would it be easy enough to separate?
Are you tied financially? Mortgaged house etc...?

Planter22 · 04/08/2016 12:01

Firstly, I want send to you a big hug. Being rejected by the person who you have chosen to spend your days with, hurts. It hurts a lot.

Reading into things a bit deeper, there is clearly a lot more going on here for both of you than a simple he didn't want sex and you did. You said you're going through a rough patch right now, was his reaction a hangover from a previous disagreement about something? If he's holding onto negative emotions and resentment is it something you can both talk about calmly and most importantly constructively?

I think relationship counselling is often accessed when its too late.Its seen as a last ditch attempt to try and save the relationship. However by the time we get to the point we are often resigned to things ending and it becomes a tick box exercise we do to convince ourselves we "tried". So kudos to you and your other half for considering it.

Take stock, give yourself time, no decision needs to be made today. Remember this is the man you chose to bring into your life, and the life of your kids. From my own experience I know that's a painful, emotional and bloody hard thing to do.

You and your kids will be fabulous whatever you decide.

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