Striking balance between being kind to others but looking after yourself

[myownperson]

Long thread title!

I struggle with when it's putting yourself first and when it's being selfish. How do others approach this?

Current dilemma. Taking DC to visit their grandparents for 2 nights. Different country, bit of a journey, flights etc. We only really have one full day there. No other trips this summer.

I have a sibling and family there too. My mum wants me to see them. We're not at all close. I wasn't planning on seeing them. Just wanted a fun couple of days with kids and parents.

My sibling will be sad not to see me. I did a similar visit before without seeing them. It caused a row.

Is it awful to visit but not see them. Most people would feel hurt wouldn't they. Is it ok to be selfish?

My mum really wants us (siblings) to spend time together.

that would really cause a problem... I could do something with much less travel. I really am tempted.

Can you tell us more about the problem it would cause? Because I'm wondering if you've usually done things to avoid such a problem, and now it's no longer working for you.

Just arguing. Lots of phone calls, emails, overly emotional reactions. Yes, I always go along with things so it's rare but they've all fallen out with each for years at a time before. I hate the fuss.

Perhaps you're ready to try something different this time, or perhaps it's not got bad enough yet for you to change.

It does sound as though you're at the point of contemplating change though.

I am but it's difficult to know if I'm judging well what's ok to do. Thanks for good questions. I'll have a think. Thankyou

I know what you mean, it's very difficult when you've been conditioned all your life.

Well this was a mistake. Absolutely awful. I don't know what's going on. I decided to go along with things, be sociable, seemed easiest. But I can't do anything right.

I don't know whether she has always criticised this much.
Haven't visited without husband in years.

Everything I do is criticised. It's awful. Don't know how I haven't cried.

Just venting! Won't be repeating this mistake.