To those whose husbands came home after affair

[LippyLiz]

H had affair, all over, all out in the open, he's been stopping at a friends. After a period of indecision, he told me at the weekend he wants to get our marriage back on track.

He's not moved back in but he's slept here last 4 nights and he's said 'see you tonight' this am. I'm not quite 100% sure I want him back, I think I do but life needs to change and we've discussed this. I've decided to go with the flow for this week and next to see what efforts he is putting into the marriage. I'm then going abroad with DDs for a week. Time to reflect.

I'm keeping a list of his + and - efforts each day. These are simple things like a big hug when going to work, an odd text through the day, or not having cuddles in bed in the morning.

He seems to be slotting back in to the home as if he's never been away. That's good in the sense that I thought it would be strange having him back but not good as I don't want to settle for DH I had previously, and whilst he seems ok, he doesn't necessarily look happy, but not unhappy either. I've decided to be happy me and not to 'talk' about things prior to going away as I want to see how much effort he puts in based on normal happy me. I'm thinking if there's no obvious effort then he's not appreciative of what he's got. So I suppose I'd like your thoughts, or to hear from anyone else whose partner came home, is this normal, do things improve as those that say 'my relationship is so much better post affair'? Am I asking too much to expect more, which possibly wouldn't be sustainable long term? More affection is possibly the thing lacking for me, it's there, but not on any increased level than pre-affair.

He has his feet back under the table and far, far too easily. You even paste your "happy" face on for him.

No wonder he has stopped making any effort. A few meaningless words and all is well back in his world.

You know how you can tell a bullshitter is speaking ? He opens his mouth and sounds come out...

It's not too late to get yourself back in the driving seat, Liz.

Liz, tell him you've had a think and do not want him staying over 4 nights a week, you date, simple as that, if he can't even do that for you, he's showing you again he is still not worth your time and effort.

He seems to be in control of everything, take it back, you are your own person.

I think you both need counselling but I think if you want to make it work, it can.
If you want to make it work you need to move forward together.. He can't pretend it didn't happen but you can't keep a score of good and bad behaviour either

Any comments on the actual situation here, oly ?

Your reply looks like something generic cut and pasted from a textbook

Yes she can Oly, she can do what the heck she likes considering it's him who shat all over their marriage vows, and perhaps it's him who should go seek counselling to find out why he thinks it's alright to be a complete bastard to his wife.

Liz

Are you scared of asking him certain questions because of the answer he may give?

Like exactly why he wants to reconcile?

It's really easy to say 'I want to work on the marriage' ... but the why is very important.

I read around on relationship forums quite a bit and there are a great number of MM, who still pine after the OW, speak of how mhch love they had for her and how passionate the intimacy was, but they returned to the marriage because they felt it was the right thing to do.

They count the days of NC and there isn't a whole lot of thought for their wives TBH.

Just from your posts and tone of it, you don't sound convinced you want him back and I think there is your answer. Instead of thinking about his positives and negatives, be honest how you feel about you.

I think a good starting point is always to have a think about how you feel.

How do you feel about him coming home? Bit cheesed off....
Why? Because he assumes he can just take up where he left off....
Why? Because I am not sure he is here for the right reasons....
Why? Because after four days he's already making less effort....
Why?
Why?
Why?
What would make me feel better?

This really does work. I've used it countless times and it never fails me.

I would put myself at the centre of all this. What do you want? If you want space and time to decide then push him away for a bit. It sounds as if he has come to his senses but if he strayed then I'm not convinced he was happy and there's a high likelihood he will do it again.

I want him back, but I want the husband who shows me love, he is in quite a limited capacity, but as I'm insecure I need more than what I'm getting. Just reassuring cuddles, not occasional cuddles. I need to feel loved and I don't, not really. I felt it on Saturday when he was saying what I wanted to hear but right now I feel as though I've got the husband pre-affair not the husband who should want to make up for the affair.

If his behaviour was loving and considerate, I'd be much happier, as it is now, I'm dissatisfied with the relationship we seem to be having. I don't think telling him what I need is going to make any difference, as I've told him many times before and as I've said I'm sick of talking about it.

I want to be the centre of his world again but I think self preservation mode is going to have to kick in and I think I need to tell him again that i'd like space on my own and that I need to stick with it. He needs a shock to come to his senses and if he doesn't I think I feel fine with that.

In other words, nothing has changed, you've just went back to how it was pre affair and yes as you say he should be moving heaven and earth to make you feel he's actually worth having back after hurting you like that.

You need distance to keep your head clear, it's easy for us to go back to our old habits but really, the elephant has never left the room.

You are quite right to value yourself more than someone coming back to you out of either convenience or/and a sense of loyalty, it should be all or nothing, not half hearted.

My exH had an affair. His attempts afterwards were pitiful. I was so accommodating to him, he was take take take.

One day I found out he was still seeing us both, so ended it. He then came back a bit later. We tried the dating thing, but truth is when something built on trust, loses its trust, it's bloody difficult to get it back. We tried for months and it got to the stage where I was bored, and also scared to discuss what happened incase it caused arguements - and even upset.

Made me realise that I never made it about me.

It did teach me that you shouldn't feel grateful if OH decides to come back. That feeling of grateful, or he loves me, he came back, he wants me, is a warped view and will not work.

In the end sessions of counselling, on my own, made me realise that my ex was a safety net. I never knew I could cope on my own, which I was told made me cling to hope we'd work.

Whilst I know I've talked about my situation, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes to be with someone who hurt you so much, you have to sacrifice so much of yourself, you have to question if it's worth it - for you, and NOT your kids.

So tell him that.... Tell him that you need space to decide what you want. Tell him you want to feel loved and reassured but you're not sure you're ever going to get that from him. Send a clear message that this is your decision and if he sincerely wants you then he needs to buck his ideas up.

I had very similar with my XP. He just never quite hit the spot in making me feel like I was the one. I think it was because I wasn't! Gradually came to the realisation that the situation would never change despite lots of talking (which I also got sick of!). In contrast, relationship with DH is total opposite and I do feel cared for.

You only get one shot at life. Don't waste it.

Sounds like it's all about him.

He decided to leave.

He decided when he came back.

His feelings are the only ones being talked about.

Etc.

I think you're being foolish to just let him straight back into your bed or life

You can only control your own thoughts and actions, so if he's not being loving and proving his love for you and you don't feel loved and secure you won't. You'll be left feeling resentful and back to being stuck with a man you can't love fully either.

You need more time before he just walks back in. If you really loved him, there'd be no hesitation imo. You're hesitant because your gut is telling you

You are the peaceful easy lull between the storms of his passions.

Get rid.

The thing is, Liz, those professionals that in my opinion really understand the psychology of affairs say that the person giving "least" to a relationship is the one most likely to have an affair. Even though they whine and say they were not etting enough from the cheated-upon partner and some kind of fucked up victim blaming dynamic

Your husband may not have explicitly said this, but in his head he justified seeking sex outside of your marriage to himself. He had already massively detached himself from you in order to give himself permission to cheat

So, you are absolutely right not to be satisfied with the husband you had pre-affair because that was man was already detached, already blaming you for his step by step choices and had unilaterally decided he deserved more than he was getting from your marriage so he went and got it.

That man is not good enough. That man will cheat again when life settles back into its humdrum groove and he realises he got away with it the first time.

You need a better man than that. If he isn't convincing you of it, then only more heartache lies ahead.

Why did the affair end Liz? And is he welcome at his friends? I think you need to take control.

I would say that you need to be 100% sure that this is right for you before letting everything settle again. If that means he stays away and you work it through with space, then so be it. He may have been the one who left, but his coming back is up to you, not him and he needs to be made aware of that. Nothing will change if you don't make it.

My 2nd sentence doesn't quite make sense but I hope you got the gist

Lots of really good advice on here....